My parents have been talking about getting a new toilet seat for a while now, and finally, I suppose my dad cracked and decided he would go out on his lunch break or something and buy a new toilet seat. (Other scenario, both, my mum and dad decided on getting a toilet). Anyway, whatever the series of events that led up to this fateful decision has left me, having to go downstairs to go to the toilet now. No matter the time, not matter the darkness, I cannot, will not, relieve myself in this creepy, disgusting, pregnant toilet.
Maybe it was my mistake, my dad asked me to come out of my hermit shell, otherwise known as bedroom, to look at this new toilet seat he’d gotten. To my surprise, he had not gotten it to replace the shitty plastic one downstairs, but the actually ceramic one upstairs. Another thing I might add is that I never use to the downstairs bathroom, it’s quite heritage, or as I will describe it as, old. I was watching the latest episode of The Big Bang Theory so I gave it a miss, thinking, (foolishly), it’s a toilet seat? What could possibly be wrong with it? Toilet seats really only come in ceramic and wooden designs, so that would make risk of cringe-worthiness, almost 0%.
Oh, how, ever, was I wrong. After finishing the episode, I went out into the light, of the corridor and headed down the hall to see the toilet seat. I looked at it from the door, my dad had just finished installing it.
“Looks the same,” was my response.
Funnily, my dad pointed out nonchalantly, “No it’s not, the connecting part is metal, that’s different.”
Okay whatever, I go downstairs, go about my business, have dinner, and now comes the time in which I need to use the portal to the sewers. I ask my dad if I can use it yet, he says yes. I head upstairs to the bathroom. I lift up the lid, and to my extreme mortifying horror, there is a fucking baby toilet seat stuck underneath the actual toilet seat…WHAT THE FUCK?! Okay, my reaction wasn’t that big at first, I thought, oh, the toilet seat is stuck under the lid, then I realised, no, there’s already a toilet seat on the toilet…THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?! Oh the horror, oh the extreme mortification, I wanted to cringe and possibly endure a seizure-ous attack on the ground but I didn’t want to have my head anything near this creepy monstrosity.
Just so you better understand what the toilet lid looks like, it’s like the toilet seat lid has been spooned out so that there is space to fit, a mini toilet seat, that I thought must be for babies, because it looks like one of the add-ons. I would show you a picture, but I’ve only seen the toilet once, and haven’t been there since 6 hours ago and don’t ever plan to, in my life, go in there again, when that creepy ass fuck toilet seat is in there.
I went downstairs to tell my dad, that THIS IS NOT ALRIGHT! THE TOILET IS NOT ALRIGHT!!! I will seriously not go to the toilet when the freaky miniature toilet seat is facing the back of me, possibly could fall and touch me, EWWW!!! I asked him directly, “What is it?!” He replies, “It’s good.” I ask him if it’s a fucking baby seat, and various other objections, and he continues to answer with the same thing, “It’s good.”
Well fuck this shit I’m not going to use that toilet ever again.
Anyway, I tell my mum, and at first she’s like, in her mind (I can tell from her face), uh oh, what has he bought. She obviously didn’t know that he’d bought this devilish thing. She went upstairs to check it out, and came back down not objecting to its freakishness at all! Saying, he didn’t know, that we can’t return it, that he’s thrown away all the packaging.
Firstly, he obviously did know, because if that’s not the reason he bought it, he would’ve seen it whilst installing it. And she’s probably right, he can’t return it, because he fucking wanted to buy that toilet seat.
Anyway, long story medium length, he also bought a new shower head which I was looking forward to enjoying, and apparently got a $64 toilet cover… I have not seen either. And don’t plan to. Though I’m sad I don’t get to use the shower. Oh yes, he also admitted that the freaky baby toilet seat, is actually a male toilet seat. WHAT KIND OF SALESPERSON PAWNS OFF A SHITASS WEIRD TOILET SEAT ONTO A GULLIBLE ASIAN MAN?! A dick of course! Now I’m stuck with it too. I seriously think he expected me to not notice it, or not care, or think it was cool, dude, I find double yolked eggs freaky, but this is even freakier!!
But now I also feel awkward and bad, and don’t want to tell him to return it anymore since he obviously liked the benefits of having a male toilet seat (I don’t even know or want to know what that entails…).
Just Another Woo Girl
P.s. The toilet seat looks like it fucking had a baby. It’s disgusting.