After the last four hours laying on my bed incessantly typing on my computer, texting, googling, making a pretty useless pros and cons list, the UAC preferences are in and the decision of my future now lies beyond my own control. Sometimes I feel it’s the universe, taking my life on a whirlwind roller coaster of inward stress and outward calm, much like prior a tsunami, that is in fact just a 20th century train, though instead, maybe we should take our lives into out own hands and determine our own future. Well, that’s not even a maybe statement, that is something we should all be doing. And when I say all, I mean in particularly, me, but even as I think and type this statement, I feel like it’s all just words with no meaning and no drive behind them. Just like my tutor said to me, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Okay, maybe not in such a cliched way, but that’s he meant, and disappointingly, he did not get to see it.
Will this be a New Years resolution? To work hard for my goals, and not let ‘life’ get confused with ‘fate’? The more I type about this shit the more I think it’s more and more improbable, so maybe I’ll just leave it for now.
Just as the clock stroke twelve and the preferences were rendered unchangeable, it flashed before my eyes, the measures I could’ve taken earlier to try and figure out what it is I truly wanted to do. One thing was to write out all the possible scenarios for each decision I make, and make a risk ratio. That would’ve been helpful, for face value, but then now when I think about it, it seems like a waste of time. Or maybe I only think it’d be a waste of time because I didn’t do it and subconsciously wished that I did. Whatever the cause, the past is the past and we can only work to make the future.
I think I’ll continue to clean my room tomorrow. It’s currently empty aside from the furniture and make up in my dresser. The clean up has been on hiatus for a few days now. I made heaps of progress in the first two days, where I basically, actually literally, emptied out the contents of my room including draws and wardrobe. It’s all in the guest room, thank god for the guest room. All except my year 8 and 9 school books and diaries that are on the highest level of my wardrobe, still have to clean out that shit. And also the board games I have up there… Not sure whether to keep it, I haven’t looked at it for probably five years since we moved in. They were under my bed for a period of time but I found a better place for them and they’ve been there ever since.
I am so tired right now, exhausted, but I feel, or my fingers still feel relatively agile.
I hope I make it into law or something, or into media and communications. Sometimes I think maybe I don’t actually want to be a lawyer and it’s just something that was etched into my mind as some sort of higher purpose. I have no idea. The thought really occurred to me when the youtuber Danisnotonfire said that he studied law for a bit and had an existential crisis and realised he only studied it because he thought it was a stable and respectable career, but fell into his true passion, drama and making youtube videos. It’s kind of interesting how quickly he realised and acted on it though, some people realise it and continue with their unfulfilled lives hoping it’ll get better, and other’s have a hole in their existence their whole lives… I hope that’s not me.
I love singing and imagine I’m on stage at my own concert performing to thousands of my fans, but then I think that probably every girl has that same dream. Everyone experiences the same things, the difference is, some people get their dreams and some don’t.
What the fuck I have 70 new emails?!
Anyway, I’m trying to get offers to arts and fashion and design, so hope that works out and I won’t have to decide so early. I’m going to watch youtube now! Also need to buy a fucking terabyte hard drive because my ‘startup disk is full’. SIGH.
Just Another Woo Girl
P.s. Now I can close my hundreds of windows and tabs. I’ll start thinking again in 2 days.