I must find peace

I was really inwardly stressed about this week.  I had my philosophy essay due on Friday which I missed the deadline for.  I was planning to hand it in today before 4pm and have it only be a day late.  But obviously, it is now 11:13pm, it didn’t happen.  Would I say it’s wishful thinking that I would hand it in, not even on time, but three days late?  I did even say today that it was.  What I really meant to say, and what probably is the true of this situation, is that I really just didn’t try hard enough.  By 3am last night, I decided, fuck it.

And this is why.  My philosophy paper is worth 30% of my final mark.  Yes, this is a shitload compared to my preliminary assessments of anthropology and sociology which were only worth around 15% I think?  (Take into account, I have two major essays for these classes due on the same day in two weeks, so not really a win).

May I just interlude with, this is Arts!  It’s JUST Arts!  It’s a single Arts degree, nothing more, nothing less, so why is it so hard?  The ATAR cut-off for a single Arts degree is so low.  I remember my year seven PDHPE teacher asking me what I was doing next year, I said, “just Arts.”  Basically, it was just to clarify that I wasn’t doing anything else with it.  She said to me, “No, Alina.  It’s not JUST Arts.  Be proud of what you’re doing.  Arts is a hard degree.”

What I thought to myself at the time was, “but I’m not proud of my degree.”  The only thing I’m proud of (and I’m not even proud) is that I’m going to Usyd.  I also thought, “Arts isn’t a hard degree, why would the ATAR so low if it’s so hard.”

Now I realise it’s probably just because there are so many available positions it’s not exclusive or whatever, I can’t think of the word I’m looking for…

Anyway!  Back to the point.  The philosophy paper is 30%, whilst my psych paper is 25%.  Psych is apart of the Science faculty so it’s policies on late work is different.  For Arts, it’s a 2% penalty for each WORKING day.  And I think for psych, it’s a 10% penalty per week.  Which actually ends up being the same thing.  So since it’s Monday night, and both of them haven’t been done, the psych paper hasn’t even been started.  I began to think.  With my brain.  I feel like I’ve done a lot of thinking the past few days, but it’s really been backward, I’ve been thinking hard about ways to hand in my assignments late rather than just doing them…

There’s basically no way I’m going to finish my psych essay on time.  I would have had to finish it on Tuesday night in order to hand it in online before uni on Wednesday.  That would leave me (now) one night, that would be tomorrow night.  So it’s basically impossible.  No, it is, impossible.

If I hand my psych essay in late, I may as well give myself the week since it’s penalised weekly.  So I’ll hand it in next Wednesday.  I will lose 2.5% of my overall mark.  But on the paper, it will say, “-10” which will make me very sad and want to jump in front of a train.

Now that leaves my philosophy essay.  Now I actually have to hand this in to the fucking office.  If I hand it in on Thursday before 4pm, I will have lost 2.4% of my final mark.  If I actually had the time to finish my psych essay on time, this would be worth it.  I’d work on my psych essay until I hand it in, and then spend Wednesday night completing the entire phil essay.  I would lose nothing for psych (except maybe quality) and only 2.4% of phil rather than 2.5% for psych if that were late.

Anyway blah blah blah, my new goal is to finish my philosophy essay ASAP.  The latest by Thursday, and the earliest achievable, by Wednesday early night.  That will give me around 6 days to complete my psych essay, including research (mother fucker) and writing.  Psych is so hard, but interesting.

I’m really thinking I might have to transfer.  But I don’t even think I can since my grades are so low.  I got a credit for my first essay, which was also late.  I might want to go to UTS to do fashion, or journalism, subjects which I can actually visualise myself getting a distinction or higher.  I can’t imagine that I’ll achieve that in my current course with these classes.

For this weeks tasks, I really just have to find peace with what I’ve decided, because it’s the best choice out of the ones I have remaining.  The best series of events is that I would have handed my phil in on time, and got on to my psych.  Or even better, done them weeks ago.  Somehow, I have to find peace, find peace with seeing those massive numbers make my grade go down a whole degree.  10 marks for psych is literally the difference between each grade.  If my work is only a pass, I am going to fail.  This means I have to at least make it a credit.  Or best case scenario for all my late works, to get an 87, and then down to 77, and get a distinction since I’ve had extra time.

Now that’s, wishful thinking.

How do I become a better student?  How?  The question is stupid, I should just work to become one, and figure out how at the end of the process…  Or maybe that’s the problem in a nutshell.  Maybe I’m always looking for the quickest and easiest way to do things and figure out what’s been done at the end.  I mean, I told myself during the HSC, meh, ATAR doesn’t matter, I’ll just do better in uni, and basically flunked out.  I can’t let this attitude rule my life.  I MUST CHANGE!  But all these things are just words, there is no action.  In fact, the action I’m doing right now is the complete opposite of what my words are saying.  I’m just tricking myself.  But I really need to vent these thoughts, these mundane thoughts that are stupid.  Or maybe that’s just another excuse to do what I’m not supposed to.

S.O.S.,
Just Another Woo Girl

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