So hello, I am so not in the mood for life. I collected my philosophy essay today after my tutorial. My tutor told our class that no one failed, so yay, I was happy to hear that. Other than that, I got my essay back, and to be honest, I saw the mark and thought, meh. I didn’t want to read the comments because I was with a friend, and was hungry and rather not be bummed out from the comments. I mean, I scraped a pass with my ten mark loss, so the comments wouldn’t be praising. I was already in the pass zone without the penalty, so you can probably guess how low I scored…
I love my tutor though, he’s so cool. Such an awesome tutor. If I compare him to my other two tutors, he is better infinitely… I’m seriously rethinking taking philosophy next semester, I’m obviously shit. In fact, I scored ‘poor’ on referencing and bibliography. That’s not all that crucial to the content, but he also commented that I said that other academics said something that they actually didn’t… Fml. That’s pretty important. And basically I suck at everything. Although, he ended the comments with, good work! I’m not sure how to take that. I wonder what he says on HD essays, “Incredibly amazing young Einstein!” Fml. If he’s saying good work to make me feel better, then, I don’t know. If he says it but actually means it in a mediocre way that is representative of my work, meaning he thinks my shit is actually good, then that’s sad for me. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.
Also the comments he left where quite vague, and I guess I’m not good at all with criticism even though I know my essay sucks. I don’t even have the will or want to do my two late essays now. This is the worst time of my life. It was tough enough for me to do the philosophy and psychology essays, let alone anthropology and sociology essays that were due on the same day. In fact, it will be a ten mark penalty by tomorrow. If these were the first essays to do, I’d probably have a more optimistic outlook and pull an all nighter.
The thing is, I just can’t be fucked, but then I don’t want to fail. If I attempt the essay I could scrape by with a pass. But now, I don’t even know if I will since it’ll be so late. I don’t want to live if living is like this. What can I do? I don’t mean this as, what can I do – do my essay. I mean, what can I do – this course is not for me. Or maybe these subjects are not for me.
Will I go out this week? I kind of just feel like chilling, and if it’s at night, chilling at a bar with live music and going home at like eleven or twelve… Nothing really calls to me. The last time I went clubbing was to Pontoon (an asian club) and basically, meh, that encapsulates the whole night. I’m not sure whether it’s the club (highly likely and influential since, blurgh) or just that it’s not as fun as it was when I went out the first time. Also, every time I go out, I would only go if I know how I’m getting home. And now, even when people who live near me go out, they go home a different way with other people so it’s kind of a hopeless and stupid situation.
Actually it’s weird. I feel like everyone wants to go out clubbing but all I want to do is go shopping and chill. It’s like a complete turn around from last holidays… Life. But I don’t have any money. I had a lot of money last holidays. Meh. I wonder why I feel so down, is it because I’m going to get my period soon? Is it because I’m failing uni? Is it because I have no money which is stopping me from fulfilling my material wishes? To be honest, if I had a lot, I mean even more than what I had last holidays, I would be able to go out and just get a cab home, but I can’t.
So what I learnt today in psych is to live in the present. It’s kind of a generic motto. But the real question is how do you live in the present? What I’m doing now, writing in my blog, doesn’t seem that fulfilling or amazing, it’s not propelling myself into some sort of awesome future.
Actually I read this really creepy and distressing story on reddit, I’ll link it here. It could also be a reason why my mood is not lifted… (Click to read the scary story). It really is an intense story, gets you right in the thick of it all…
And fuck, I forgot to do my weekly psychology quiz. Fuck my life. I’d set an alarm for Sunday afternoons, and I always do it, but I saw the alarm, and forgot about it…
Arts… What a waste. Unless you are amazing at one field, it’s so pointless. My life is pointless… My studies are pointless… I don’t think I have clinical depression but I read somewhere people who sleep a lot could be depressed…
And as I sit here typing feeling sorry for myself, I could start on my sociology essay. I’m really going to fail. I really, truly, am. I will. I can’t even hold an optimistic view… My hair gets so greasy to quickly now. I’m pretty sure I washed it yesterday and now it feels a bit oily. Maybe it’s because I sprayed it with hairspray… Putting on some Jedward to make me feel better.
Oh I love listening to Lana Del Rey when I’m walking or going places, it makes me feel like I’m in a movie or something, soundtrack to my life! Fun.
Just Another Woo Girl