Just Another Woo Girl
Just Another Woo Girl
Anything I say is probably never going to be a true epiphany, but I’m pretty sure I just realised that all the greatest memories, I guess recently, that I’ve had have been because money has allowed me to have them. After finishing high school and the HSC and all that, I had the greatest holiday of my life. Not even because I hadn’t been on a proper holiday probably since I was 11 and went to China.
I went to Thailand, I went to America, and visited all the major cities there and fell in love with New York, it’s as great as everyone says and as everyone portrays it in film and television… Greatest love of my life. I want it to be my life goal to live there, but I feel like I’m not even as brave or spontaneous (maybe I was never spontaneous) as I thought I was, I feel old now that I’m 18. And not even just because I’m legally an adult, it’s that, I’ve gone through the system, finished the mandatory years of school and am now in the time of my life where I actually decide and work towards what I want to do with my life.
I’m doing an Arts degree, which really won’t get me anywhere, and is basically a 3 year stepping stone, but do I even want this stepping stone?! I suppose the most obvious reason is that I have no other choice, I seriously have no idea what I truly want to pursue with my life, and this 3 year stepping stone is none other than obligatory, and I guess essential to moving on, and I think maturing…
Anyway, blah blah blah, in that holiday after I’d come back from my travels, I got a shitload of money because I was turning 18, Christmas and Chinese New Year all in a matter of two months. This meant, a SHIT-LOAD, more than what I usually get. It’s all gone now, which makes me very sad on how and why I’d waste it so quickly and on materialistic things, that in the moment, brought me pleasure. (Hedonism?) Although, I guess now I can look back and still think it was a lot fun, hanging out with my friends and just buying whatever I wanted. I bought a lot of stuff… My most memorable buy must’ve been last year when I went shopping and bought 2 dresses from Princess Polly in one go, adding up about $220? One of them was the most amazing old school banana dress, with capped sleeves, and circle skirt, the raddest pattern and a massive open back! I wore that to the Ed Sheeran concert actually, best use of an amazing dress ever! And best concert, and first concert, I’d ever been to! Ed was amazing!!
Anyway, went clubbing, bought drinks, etc. etc. And it was all because I had money that was seemingly limitless that made it fun. I mean I can’t even go out anymore since I don’t have money, and no one will hire me, although I haven’t actually sent out my resume yet since I haven’t seen the right job… I mean going out can be expensive even when you’re minimal! I.e. a low entry fee with be around $5-$10, pre-drinks $10, drinks in club $10, cabs around the city $15, night ride with a friend $3, but a fucking cab home if you’re alone and can’t walk home by yourself $75!! So basically if you’re cheap, it’s around $50 to be safe, and $150 to be safe if you’re getting a cab.
Anyway, so basically, money is the key to my happiness, so what does that say about me and my values? Am I materialistic? Is it the world around me that has moulded me into only valuing things that cost money? Or is it society for being capitalist and too darn expensive that I can’t enjoy even the most simple night out with friends. Well maybe I’ll leave those answers for another time… Time to catch up on New Girl!
Just Another Woo Girl
P.s. Game of Thrones premiere last night… Been too fucking long!! Was godly.
After the last four hours laying on my bed incessantly typing on my computer, texting, googling, making a pretty useless pros and cons list, the UAC preferences are in and the decision of my future now lies beyond my own control. Sometimes I feel it’s the universe, taking my life on a whirlwind roller coaster of inward stress and outward calm, much like prior a tsunami, that is in fact just a 20th century train, though instead, maybe we should take our lives into out own hands and determine our own future. Well, that’s not even a maybe statement, that is something we should all be doing. And when I say all, I mean in particularly, me, but even as I think and type this statement, I feel like it’s all just words with no meaning and no drive behind them. Just like my tutor said to me, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Okay, maybe not in such a cliched way, but that’s he meant, and disappointingly, he did not get to see it.
Will this be a New Years resolution? To work hard for my goals, and not let ‘life’ get confused with ‘fate’? The more I type about this shit the more I think it’s more and more improbable, so maybe I’ll just leave it for now.
Just as the clock stroke twelve and the preferences were rendered unchangeable, it flashed before my eyes, the measures I could’ve taken earlier to try and figure out what it is I truly wanted to do. One thing was to write out all the possible scenarios for each decision I make, and make a risk ratio. That would’ve been helpful, for face value, but then now when I think about it, it seems like a waste of time. Or maybe I only think it’d be a waste of time because I didn’t do it and subconsciously wished that I did. Whatever the cause, the past is the past and we can only work to make the future.
I think I’ll continue to clean my room tomorrow. It’s currently empty aside from the furniture and make up in my dresser. The clean up has been on hiatus for a few days now. I made heaps of progress in the first two days, where I basically, actually literally, emptied out the contents of my room including draws and wardrobe. It’s all in the guest room, thank god for the guest room. All except my year 8 and 9 school books and diaries that are on the highest level of my wardrobe, still have to clean out that shit. And also the board games I have up there… Not sure whether to keep it, I haven’t looked at it for probably five years since we moved in. They were under my bed for a period of time but I found a better place for them and they’ve been there ever since.
I am so tired right now, exhausted, but I feel, or my fingers still feel relatively agile.
I hope I make it into law or something, or into media and communications. Sometimes I think maybe I don’t actually want to be a lawyer and it’s just something that was etched into my mind as some sort of higher purpose. I have no idea. The thought really occurred to me when the youtuber Danisnotonfire said that he studied law for a bit and had an existential crisis and realised he only studied it because he thought it was a stable and respectable career, but fell into his true passion, drama and making youtube videos. It’s kind of interesting how quickly he realised and acted on it though, some people realise it and continue with their unfulfilled lives hoping it’ll get better, and other’s have a hole in their existence their whole lives… I hope that’s not me.
I love singing and imagine I’m on stage at my own concert performing to thousands of my fans, but then I think that probably every girl has that same dream. Everyone experiences the same things, the difference is, some people get their dreams and some don’t.
What the fuck I have 70 new emails?!
Anyway, I’m trying to get offers to arts and fashion and design, so hope that works out and I won’t have to decide so early. I’m going to watch youtube now! Also need to buy a fucking terabyte hard drive because my ‘startup disk is full’. SIGH.
Just Another Woo Girl
P.s. Now I can close my hundreds of windows and tabs. I’ll start thinking again in 2 days.
I wasn’t really looking forward to getting my HSC results, it was sort of a thing that was happening but I didn’t particularly realise the impact it would later have on me. Just putting this out there, not at all am I depressed, but honestly, I am slightly maybe more than slightly glum, as I did see this coming. In my generally carefree past few weeks of going on a wonderful trip to Thailand, to falling in love with Americans in America (minus San Francisco, not really a fan) and just chilling and doing whatever I want, I have thought of university as a distant future, one that excited me yet frightened me and made me nervous at the same time. Leaving the nest (lol) of high school and heading out across the great seas (lol again), but what anchored me was the fact I would be studying something that interested me completely, that it meant something, that I would be continuing to learn these amazing things for the few years at uni and the rest of my career, corny and what not.
To be honest, I don’t think I would mind if the world ended tomorrow. On condition that we merely just vanished into particles in space that retain our minds as a free spirit. It would be equally interesting if I died in a way that wasn’t painful and then got to view the earth from the atmosphere in another outer body spiritual mind experience, where human beings and animals were no longer were on earth, and it was raining down giant flaming space rock from the sky. Or possibly just any sort of being that existed infinitely, with maybe a vast and diverse limitless range of activities that ‘atmosphere’ or non-physical beings could enjoy, the same or even more than human beings can enjoy on earth!
Sci-fi and other limitless possibilities in the universe seem to (obviously) intrigue me. They of course exist, it’s just a matter of time that human beings will discover their existence, unless we become extinct before the end of the universe, which is another likely event according to the lifespan of the sun. But I’m just playing around and imagining these things. But then again, does the power of imagination increase the power of discovery thus knowledge?
Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching the first two seasons of Misfits for the first time, and loving it. And also completely loving the imminent romance/love between Alisha and Simon… So freaking cute.
Anyway, back to the Mayans. Another reason that I wouldn’t mind it being the end of the world (though it is kind of opposing that I would also like to be young forever and be able to gain the knowledge of the universe), because, of yes, my HSC results. Aside from achieving a thousand times less than I would’ve thought I’d achieve when I was twelve, it’s even worse knowing that those ‘dreams’ (for lack of a better word) would not be met by modern me. My parents said, “I don’t mind, because I know you haven’t yet reached your full potential.” Which really doesn’t erk me at all, because I know I could’ve tried harder and done better, but then at the same time I think, maybe, this is how it’s meant to be. Like how apparently we only use 99% of our brain power or something… Whatever the percentage, maybe that’s all the will power I will ever be able to access. But I suppose, or know, that that’s just the mindset of a loser and a lazy shit, is it time to change? I guess change doesn’t have to occur all at once, but is incremental, so suppose I start now? Maybe I shouldn’t mark the beginning, or have a starting point, or set a time or an alarm for a specific situation in which I start striving rather than being complacent. I think I’ll just go with the flow. Then again, that sounds a whole lot similar to my currently negative state of mind.
Whatever. Yeah, I probably don’t want to the world to end. Many opportunities lie ahead and many mistakes will be made, I just have to make sure that by the end of my life cycle, I will have achieved whatever that it is I wanted to. Okay now I’m just thinking too far into the future.
Back to Misfits!
Just Another Woo Girl
P.s. Whilst proof reading this, I really do sound off my head. And now saying this in my mind whilst typing and acknowledging this whack talk, is kind of making me feel crazy. But maybe it’s just the flustered mind of the month talking. Lolzoid.
So I have been patiently awaiting the arrival of my iPhone 5, after having lived with my Nokia for the past 2 years whilst everyone around me basks in the glory of apple sensations.
And today, it finally arrived! I hear the delivery man from my room, and go downstairs, to find he’s already gone. My mum stares at me. I was also waiting for my dress (formal dress number 2, replacement dress) and ask her if it was my dress, which I thought she’d hide so I didn’t try it on instead of studying.
She says no. So obviously it was the iPhones. She lies, says they’re not here, I’m smart and know they are. Anyway, I see them and she’s like, you can’t open them.
Why the fuck not? You’re not allowed. You’re dad hasn’t given it to you yet.
Fine, whatever. I’ll see when I get home from the library and dad is home.
Anyway, I get home. “When can I use my phone?”
You’re not allowed to take it to Thailand.
Whatever, fine, okay. Can I use it now anyway?
No. You have to study.
Fine. Can I open it after my last exam?
No. You’ll make it look old. (The fuck?! It doesn’t even matter if it looks old, as long as you have a receipt that proves you bought it within the 30 day period!)
Frustration grows. I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW THOUGH!!!
If you’re lucky, I’ll let you use it to take photos at your formal.
If I’m lucky?!?!?! What the hell?!?! It’s a phone, I need to use it!! I’ve been wanting and waiting since the beginning of the year! I HATE THIS I HATE LIFE WHAT THE FUCK!!! This is not even life’s fault, it’s my parents!!! WHY THE FUCK!?! Study my fucking ass, I’m not studying until I get my phone!! Brat as that may be perceived, I don’t fucking care, this is torture, it’s not even worth being owned my someone!! Just like the time my dad bought me a MacAir so I could use it for school, and he put under his own fucking name when the laptop is fucking for me and me only to use!!! DICK WAD.
Fuck this shit,
Just Another Woo Girl
So I’m going to Thailand next week. Two days after I finish my last exam. So when does that leave me time to prepare? I’m not talking just packing clothes, and toiletries. I mean, money, passports, IDs, credit cards, debit cards… So many things to think about, on top of that, HSC stress!
I’m more stressed about Thailand than the lame HSC. Which, by the way, my parents are completely useless for.
I tell my mum I may need a debit card or something so I don’t carry a whole wad of cash around, which would obviously make me, a target for tourist dog shit scammers. Anyway, she says, okay, I’ll go to the bank today and ask.
She does. She comes back and says, “No, they said it’s pointless and you’d have to pay monthly fees and you need a job.”
WRONG. I just did the fucking research, and all I need is a tax file number and I’m ready to have a FREE debit card account. Well you know what would be helpful right now? Someone to HELP me get a fucking tax file number. Which is the most strenuous process I have ever come across. It says, I have to go through my school as that’s the easiest way… No it isn’t! Not when I’m done forever in a week!
Oh man, I just had a realisation. Even if I apply for a TFN it’s too late because it takes around 10 working days to get back to me… That’s it. Tomorrow I’m applying for a debit card, and I’ll just have to pay the fee. I think it’s like $10 all up or something, or either $4 or $6 a month. Which is a lot seeing as I have no income… I don’t know.
Also, I’m getting an iPhone 5, to replace my old ass nokia, and I want to use it now! And for Thailand or whatnot. And my dad wants to get a tax refund for going overseas, called the TRS. This is because we’re going to America. Anyway, I want to use it in Thailand, and beforehand. So I did my research. And he can get a refund when I go to Thailand, and he’ll send me off the airport anyway! Well he should. But he’s in a crappola mood at me for some reason, probably because I’m not concentrating on the HSC, but fuck that shit. I’m stressed.
Yeah so basically they can do what I want, they just chose not to. And that leaves me to deal with my unbearable problems. My first world problems. Poo.
Just Another Woo Girl
So I suppose Karma is real. Yesterday, my much long awaited Jeffrey Campbell Rosie Cutout Combat boots arrived. Best time ever! They were $280 including shipping (yes expensive) but so worth it! Anyway, I had been looking at the shoes for 3 weeks before I bought them online, I’m size 6, and it was sold out. I was checking online to find out where else to get them, and found out, devastatingly, that they were discontinued! Basically, I couldn’t live life without these shoes. In the end, I ordered size 5 after seeing reviews saying that they ran large.
So yippee they fit! Here’s a pic.
|My new Jeffrey Campbell Rosie Cutout!|
Anyway, as you can see, they are perfect, perfect to me.
But guess what? This good luck and my faith in the shoe, must of course be balanced by the earthly forces of the universe, in the form of my formal dress.
My formal dress is so fucking ugly, okay, not ugly, but fucking ugly on me! Why?! I consider myself to understand fashion and dress for my body shape, which is a fat ass jiggly puff. But fuck how my senses had been muffled by the extremes of the HSC, or maybe I’m just sucking. Whatever it is, it’s ugly!
That’s not the only thing.
So I have to buy a new dress now (because I can’t get it altered, says my mum, and I don’t like it anyway.) And the dress I like, isn’t as formal, it’s way less, and it’s $70. That’s cheap for a formal dress right? No! Because I’ve been saving to get these new American Apparel high waisted shorts in dark blue, this is important because since I’ve gotten fat like an inflatable slug, I no longer fit my awesome vintage Levi’s and all my clothes, and no store sells actual high waisted shorts anymore, they’re just, mid-waist… I mean, the fuck?!
So I need these! But they’re $75! And I only have $119 because I spend my money when I get it and I don’t have a job…
And this is where karma has restored itself. With this ultimate first world dilemma. And this is where I vent my fucking lame ass shit poop.
The dress I want from Princess Polly comes in stark white as well, and it’s $40, but I don’t know if I’ll look good in bright white. Although, I will, be tanned from Thailand… Also free shipping has added to the intense need.
FM1WL. (Fuck my first world life).
Side note, I believe I made up atm (meaning at the moment), pretty sure I just made up FM1WL. Not as catchy I must say.
Just Another Woo Girl
I hate my mum so fucking much right now. I like my dad, at least he slightly understands. Far fucking out. Just leave me the fuck alone. She’s like get motivated, do something, I am fucking doing something! She’s like get off the internet, I’m fucking doing my uni applications you dumb shit! I mean fuck, seriously, just because she doesn’t use the fucking internet doesn’t mean I don’t need it! I need to use the thesaurus, I need to listen to music to keep sane, I need to use my email, check terms, do the fuck whatever I want to do! Don’t tell me to fucking get motivated! You can’t just say something and expect them to do it, you need to instigate it! Fuck, I mean seriously, she is the shittest at motivating! I don’t even want or need her to fucking motivate me. Her motivation tactics aren’t even motivation tactics, they’re just fucking nagging, and lecturing, shouting, and sneaking up the stairs ‘silently’ and then barging into my room! Just fuck off seriously! You’re not going to catch me doing something ‘naughty’ on the internet, not doing my work, watching a movie or some shit, because I will always be one fucking step ahead of you! Far out, let me be, and do as I fucking will! I know what I have to do, and nothing you do will make me want to do it more than I do my fucking self! My dad tells me a story that is motivational and makes me understand. My mum just storms into my room and says, why aren’t you at the trial test?! Do your maths! Don’t go to tutor with no questions to ask! FUCK! I already fucking know! Just stop talking to me! I don’t want to talk to you and all you do is fucking stress me the fuck out! I tell her this! She obviously doesn’t fucking care because she continues to talk under her breath, talk outside my closed door, just GTFO!!! Fuck man…!!!
Just Another Woo Girl