The churning stomach…


What an emotional day.  It was the end of an era, the end of everything, The Office finale…  Oh how I cried.  But another post on that later.  I just checked my psychology essay results, and my internet has been running slow for the past few days, possibly because of all the windows and tabs I have open for online shopping.  Anyway, blackboard is always super slow on the turn it in thing, and whilst waiting for it to load, my stomach was actually churning.  I’m not sure that it’s ever churned before…  Unless churning is also what you call what your stomach does when you’re really hungry.  
In my tutorial on Wednesday my tutor was pretty…I’m pretty sure she hinted that we didn’t do very well, and that means, people failed.  I was sure I’d fail.  But then there’s also that tiny tiny part of me that hopes that maybe I am so naturally talented in some area and don’t even know it that I pass…  Well that feeling wasn’t that prominent this time.  And to kill the suspense, I failed.  Horribly.  Well I didn’t fail horribly, but I did fail.  My raw mark was a high pass, it makes me wish that I’d handed it in a week earlier and I would’ve at least passed the essay…but now I’ve failed.  I guess I can take this into account as, I’m not a complete failure, well my work isn’t.  But meh.
I think overall I was pretty prepared to see a whole lot of comments.  And I did.  To be honest I read the first three and couldn’t be bothered anymore.  It’s not even that they were making me feel sad, or bad about myself.  I just assume all the comments will be about similar mistakes, like I’ve stated facts that are actually wrong…  Not that I’m expecting any positive comments, but I doubt I’ll have any of those anyway.  An email went out a few days before saying that the tutors will mark hard?  Actually I don’t think it said hard, but they wouldn’t hold back from pointing out flaws, in order to improve.  And also that the essay isn’t a mark of your potential, or you as a person.  The fact that the coordinator or whoever stated that specifically was comforting to me and made me feel better.  But all in all, I think after writing all this, I feel sad.  I still haven’t started any of my two essays, and in an attempt to start later, I decided to check my results after remembering that they were released at noon.  
I don’t even know.  It makes me so sad that I have to do assignments.  Well essays.  I don’t even know…  I went to the bathroom and thought…  Arts is all academic, all about academic essays.  I was thinking of picking up film studies, but then I also realised that that too was about analysis and academic writing.  All the subjects are.  Then I thought about journalism, at UTS or at Usyd, and realised even though it’s not particularly academic, the writing is still supposed to be sophisticated…I don’t really know.  Then I thought about fashion, writing is important, but it’s not the major factor.  Should I be doing that?  I don’t know.  I imagined myself transferring to UTS…not sure how I feel about that.  The only thing I really love about Usyd is the campus, how it’s massive (even though walking is a con) it reminds me of going to uni in America or something.  UTS is literally one ugly and tall building, with ‘campuses’ separated by commercial blocks…  I love Usyd.  Some people say to me, they don’t actually love Usyd, but then others say they love it.  I was sitting in a lecture thinking, I wish all I had to do was listen and take notes, not have to write essays, not have to do exams.  My exams are in less than three weeks and I haven’t even handed in my last two assessments.  Life.
Not to mention tomorrow I have my second day of work.  I didn’t actually tell you how my first day was.  It was last Sunday and I worked five hours…  I work at my old tutoring place.  I don’t really know what I expected, I kind of thought I’d be teaching primary school students.  But tomorrow I have to assist a year twelve class, I don’t even know what to do.  To be honest, I mean I’ve always known and thought this, but I’m not that good at english…  Not good enough to teach other students.  And these students are only a year younger than me, in the position I was in not only a few months ago, and now I’m (sort of) entrusted with their future.  I’m supposed to mark essays and stuff.  I remember having tutors help me with mine, they gave me examples, what to put in my essay, things I need to expand on and points.  My tutor even gave me and my friend essays to mark one time, I literally had no suggestions and have no idea.  It’s because I’m not at all confident or opinionated about these things, I have no idea what the author is trying to say, or what they are saying.  So how can I possibly help others…  Not to mention again that the class splits into two, one on Hamlet and one on Yeats.  I don’t even know what the fuck Yeats is.  I think I have to research or read up on it before tomorrow.  And read up on techniques that I’ve forgotten…  One of the girls who I’m assisting said that I have to get used to teaching stuff I don’t know at this tutoring place.  This makes me sad.  I suck seriously.  I’m considering resigning because I literally don’t think I have what it takes to teach or even assist or even mark HSC essays…  I don’t know how I’m going to survive the two hours tomorrow, bullshitting my way through, pretending to be smart.  
I was watching BeautyCrush on youtube again today, of her behind the scenes of fashion shoots (link here).  It made me realise that I’ve got to learn to get used to this feeling because all my life it will be like this.  Sammi was helping with styling at the shoot with people I assume she’s never met.  Caught a plane alone to Ibiza to meet with people she’s never met.  Had to have lunch and make small talk with them.  Feeling like a newbie, which is what I feel like at work, and sometimes at uni.  I say sometimes at uni because I don’t feel like that all the time, but I am still a fresher and literally think it in my mind.  Yeah I don’t really know where I was going with this or if I’ve already made my point but whatever…
Oh watching the video also made me want to be a model (lol).  It just looks so fun!  Not that I’d ever be one.  It reminds me of being an actor or something because you have to audition all the time and you’ll get rejected and things like that…
Sigh, I’ve also run out the Tim Tams my mum bought…  So no more delicious Tim Tams with tea…  I don’t know if I told you but I finally found Yorkshire tea!  It was in Coles I think.  I was getting more tea after I’d run out of English Breakfast and saw it just sitting there!  Finally when I wasn’t looking for it, it appears!!  And then I wikipedia-ed it in store to see if it was the actual one, and it was!  So yorkshire tea is the brand, and it makes black tea, so there is no other Yorkshire tea.  That’s just what I’ve gathered…  Here’s the attractive picture I took.
Image
I actually think this picture is attractive, not sarcasm.  Well actually this is far too big, I can really see it all in it’s not so glorious form.  I think shopping would make me feel a lot better…  But there’s no time for that.  I really can’t fucking be bothered.  I can’t go now since all the stores will close/have closed.  I can’t go tomorrow since there’s not enough time before work.  I have to start my assignment tonight and also read up on Hamlet, Yeats and techniques.  That’s for tonight and tomorrow morning.  Then I have to work until two, and then probably walk around my local stores and see nothing worthy compared to the top shop pants I want.  Maybe I should just trek it out there tomorrow on a fucking Sunday to buy them if the weather is good…  Shops close early on Sunday as well…  I don’t know.  It’s really pissing me off that I can’t make the picture smaller.  It’s either me or wordpress, but either way it’s pissing me off.  Minus one to wordpress, fuck.  I woke up at like twelve today and realised it was sunny outside, opposed to the rainy weather report.  Annoyed…!!!!  I should’ve gone to the library but I thought it’d be raining and I don’t like going outside when the weather is that miserable.  Lugging around an umbrella is the worst.  I really need to buy a new umbrella, some sort of compact one, but not enough money to spare for that.  My mum is so annoying, I don’t ask her for money for things I want, like clothes and stuff, nor do I go shopping with her because every time I regret it.  Anyway, so one time she was like, just tell me what you want and I’ll give you money, and you concentrate on studying.  I think this was in reference to me not having a job before and not having any money because literally no one would hire unexperienced me.  I really wanted to work in Sportsgirl or General Pants or even Glue.  I think one person kept saying to me, General Pants is so exclusive, and I was thinking, I fucking know, but there’s no harm in still applying…!!  Yeah well my mum hasn’t really done anything to support what she’s said.  Plus she only says things like that when other people are around.  Meh.
Cya bitchez,
Just Another Woo Girl

Appaz money makes my world go round

Anything I say is probably never going to be a true epiphany, but I’m pretty sure I just realised that all the greatest memories, I guess recently, that I’ve had have been because money has allowed me to have them.  After finishing high school and the HSC and all that, I had the greatest holiday of my life.  Not even because I hadn’t been on a proper holiday probably since I was 11 and went to China.

I went to Thailand, I went to America, and visited all the major cities there and fell in love with New York, it’s as great as everyone says and as everyone portrays it in film and television…  Greatest love of my life.  I want it to be my life goal to live there, but I feel like I’m not even as brave or spontaneous (maybe I was never spontaneous) as I thought I was, I feel old now that I’m 18.  And not even just because I’m legally an adult, it’s that, I’ve gone through the system, finished the mandatory years of school and am now in the time of my life where I actually decide and work towards what I want to do with my life.

I’m doing an Arts degree, which really won’t get me anywhere, and is basically a 3 year stepping stone, but do I even want this stepping stone?!  I suppose the most obvious reason is that I have no other choice, I seriously have no idea what I truly want to pursue with my life, and this 3 year stepping stone is none other than obligatory, and I guess essential to moving on, and I think maturing…

Anyway, blah blah blah, in that holiday after I’d come back from my travels, I got a shitload of money because I was turning 18, Christmas and Chinese New Year all in a matter of two months.  This meant, a SHIT-LOAD, more than what I usually get.  It’s all gone now, which makes me very sad on how and why I’d waste it so quickly and on materialistic things, that in the moment, brought me pleasure.  (Hedonism?)  Although, I guess now I can look back and still think it was a lot fun, hanging out with my friends and just buying whatever I wanted.  I bought a lot of stuff…  My most memorable buy must’ve been last year when I went shopping and bought 2 dresses from Princess Polly in one go, adding up about $220?  One of them was the most amazing old school banana dress, with capped sleeves, and circle skirt, the raddest pattern and a massive open back!  I wore that to the Ed Sheeran concert actually, best use of an amazing dress ever!  And best concert, and first concert, I’d ever been to!  Ed was amazing!!

Anyway, went clubbing, bought drinks, etc. etc.  And it was all because I had money that was seemingly limitless that made it fun.  I mean I can’t even go out anymore since I don’t have money, and no one will hire me, although I haven’t actually sent out my resume yet since I haven’t seen the right job…  I mean going out can be expensive even when you’re minimal!  I.e. a low entry fee with be around $5-$10, pre-drinks $10, drinks in club $10, cabs around the city $15, night ride with a friend $3, but a fucking cab home if you’re alone and can’t walk home by yourself $75!!  So basically if you’re cheap, it’s around $50 to be safe, and $150 to be safe if you’re getting a cab.

Anyway, so basically, money is the key to my happiness, so what does that say about me and my values?  Am I materialistic?  Is it the world around me that has moulded me into only valuing things that cost money?  Or is it society for being capitalist and too darn expensive that I can’t enjoy even the most simple night out with friends.  Well maybe I’ll leave those answers for another time…  Time to catch up on New Girl!

Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s. Game of Thrones premiere last night… Been too fucking long!!  Was godly.

Out of my hands bitch, brain, relax

After the last four hours laying on my bed incessantly typing on my computer, texting, googling, making a pretty useless pros and cons list, the UAC preferences are in and the decision of my future now lies beyond my own control.  Sometimes I feel it’s the universe, taking my life on a whirlwind roller coaster of inward stress and outward calm, much like prior a tsunami, that is in fact just a 20th century train, though instead, maybe we should take our lives into out own hands and determine our own future.  Well, that’s not even a maybe statement, that is something we should all be doing.  And when I say all, I mean in particularly, me, but even as I think and type this statement, I feel like it’s all just words with no meaning and no drive behind them.  Just like my tutor said to me, “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  Okay, maybe not in such a cliched way, but that’s he meant, and disappointingly, he did not get to see it.

Will this be a New Years resolution?  To work hard for my goals, and not let ‘life’ get confused with ‘fate’?  The more I type about this shit the more I think it’s more and more improbable, so maybe I’ll just leave it for now.

Just as the clock stroke twelve and the preferences were rendered unchangeable, it flashed before my eyes, the measures I could’ve taken earlier to try and figure out what it is I truly wanted to do.  One thing was to write out all the possible scenarios for each decision I make, and make a risk ratio.  That would’ve been helpful, for face value, but then now when I think about it, it seems like a waste of time. Or maybe I only think it’d be a waste of time because I didn’t do it and subconsciously wished that I did.  Whatever the cause, the past is the past and we can only work to make the future.

I think I’ll continue to clean my room tomorrow.  It’s currently empty aside from the furniture and make up in my dresser.  The clean up has been on hiatus for a few days now.  I made heaps of progress in the first two days, where I basically, actually literally, emptied out the contents of my room including draws and wardrobe.  It’s all in the guest room, thank god for the guest room.  All except my year 8 and 9 school books and diaries that are on the highest level of my wardrobe, still have to clean out that shit.  And also the board games I have up there…  Not sure whether to keep it, I haven’t looked at it for probably five years since we moved in.  They were under my bed for a period of time but I found a better place for them and they’ve been there ever since.

I am so tired right now, exhausted, but I feel, or my fingers still feel relatively agile.

I hope I make it into law or something, or into media and communications.  Sometimes I think maybe I don’t actually want to be a lawyer and it’s just something that was etched into my mind as some sort of higher purpose.  I have no idea.  The thought really occurred to me when the youtuber Danisnotonfire said that he studied law for a bit and had an existential crisis and realised he only studied it because he thought it was a stable and respectable career, but fell into his true passion, drama and making youtube videos.  It’s kind of interesting how quickly he realised and acted on it though, some people realise it and continue with their unfulfilled lives hoping it’ll get better, and other’s have a hole in their existence their whole lives…  I hope that’s not me.

I love singing and imagine I’m on stage at my own concert performing to thousands of my fans, but then I think that probably every girl has that same dream.  Everyone experiences the same things, the difference is, some people get their dreams and some don’t.

What the fuck I have 70 new emails?!

Anyway, I’m trying to get offers to arts and fashion and design, so hope that works out and I won’t have to decide so early.  I’m going to watch youtube now!  Also need to buy a fucking terabyte hard drive because my ‘startup disk is full’.  SIGH.

Ciao mofos,
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s.  Now I can close my hundreds of windows and tabs.  I’ll start thinking again in 2 days.

Excitement nullified

I wasn’t really looking forward to getting my HSC results, it was sort of a thing that was happening but I didn’t particularly realise the impact it would later have on me.  Just putting this out there, not at all am I depressed, but honestly, I am slightly maybe more than slightly glum, as I did see this coming.  In my generally carefree past few weeks of going on a wonderful trip to Thailand, to falling in love with Americans in America (minus San Francisco, not really a fan) and just chilling and doing whatever I want, I have thought of university as a distant future, one that excited me yet frightened me and made me nervous at the same time.  Leaving the nest (lol) of high school and heading out across the great seas (lol again), but what anchored me was the fact I would be studying something that interested me completely, that it meant something, that I would be continuing to learn these amazing things for the few years at uni and the rest of my career, corny and what not.

But now, the excitement’s disappeared, lost, nothing’s really happening.  The choices of courses have been limited to courses I hadn’t even considered doing, to universities that were completely off the grid, yet I’m still only looking at the top three in Sydney, no thank you to the two hour trip to any other university.  And yeah, don’t know what to do, yet don’t want to waste precious years of my youthful life…  
Adolescent dilemmas.  Being like Benjamin Button makes sense, yet, it’s also very creepy.  Though I suppose it wouldn’t be creepy if everyone was like that and we didn’t know different.
Goodnight world,
Just Another Woo Girl
P.s.  Sometimes I find the name I have given to myself in this blog quite ironic, and then I lol because it’s still connected to my Google+ account, which never really overtook Facebook did it, and I suppose never will.  

The Mayan Apocalypse

To be honest, I don’t think I would mind if the world ended tomorrow.  On condition that we merely just vanished into particles in space that retain our minds as a free spirit.  It would be equally interesting if I died in a way that wasn’t painful and then got to view the earth from the atmosphere in another outer body spiritual mind experience, where human beings and animals were no longer were on earth, and it was raining down giant flaming space rock from the sky.  Or possibly just any sort of being that existed infinitely, with maybe a vast and diverse limitless range of activities that ‘atmosphere’ or non-physical beings could enjoy, the same or even more than human beings can enjoy on earth!

Sci-fi and other limitless possibilities in the universe seem to (obviously) intrigue me.  They of course exist, it’s just a matter of time that human beings will discover their existence, unless we become extinct before the end of the universe, which is another likely event according to the lifespan of the sun.  But I’m just playing around and imagining these things.  But then again, does the power of imagination increase the power of discovery thus knowledge?

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching the first two seasons of Misfits for the first time, and loving it.  And also completely loving the imminent romance/love between Alisha and Simon…  So freaking cute.

Anyway, back to the Mayans.  Another reason that I wouldn’t mind it being the end of the world (though it is kind of opposing that I would also like to be young forever and be able to gain the knowledge of the universe), because, of yes, my HSC results.  Aside from achieving a thousand times less than I would’ve thought I’d achieve when I was twelve, it’s even worse knowing that those ‘dreams’ (for lack of a better word) would not be met by modern me.  My parents said, “I don’t mind, because I know you haven’t yet reached your full potential.”  Which really doesn’t erk me at all, because I know I could’ve tried harder and done better, but then at the same time I think, maybe, this is how it’s meant to be.  Like how apparently we only use 99% of our brain power or something…  Whatever the percentage, maybe that’s all the will power I will ever be able to access.  But I suppose, or know, that that’s just the mindset of a loser and a lazy shit, is it time to change?  I guess change doesn’t have to occur all at once, but is incremental, so suppose I start now?  Maybe I shouldn’t mark the beginning, or have a starting point, or set a time or an alarm for a specific situation in which I start striving rather than being complacent.  I think I’ll just go with the flow.  Then again, that sounds a whole lot similar to my currently negative state of mind.

Whatever.  Yeah, I probably don’t want to the world to end.  Many opportunities lie ahead and many mistakes will be made, I just have to make sure that by the end of my life cycle, I will have achieved whatever that it is I wanted to.  Okay now I’m just thinking too far into the future.

Back to Misfits!
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s.  Whilst proof reading this, I really do sound off my head.  And now saying this in my mind whilst typing and acknowledging this whack talk, is kind of making me feel crazy.  But maybe it’s just the flustered mind of the month talking.  Lolzoid.

My intense anger

So I have been patiently awaiting the arrival of my iPhone 5, after having lived with my Nokia for the past 2 years whilst everyone around me basks in the glory of apple sensations.

And today, it finally arrived!  I hear the delivery man from my room, and go downstairs, to find he’s already gone.  My mum stares at me.  I was also waiting for my dress (formal dress number 2, replacement dress) and ask her if it was my dress, which I thought she’d hide so I didn’t try it on instead of studying.

She says no.  So obviously it was the iPhones.  She lies, says they’re not here, I’m smart and know they are.  Anyway, I see them and she’s like, you can’t open them.

Why the fuck not?  You’re not allowed.  You’re dad hasn’t given it to you yet.

Fine, whatever.  I’ll see when I get home from the library and dad is home.

Anyway, I get home.  “When can I use my phone?”

You’re not allowed to take it to Thailand.

Whatever, fine, okay.  Can I use it now anyway?

No.  You have to study.

Fine.  Can I open it after my last exam?

No.  You’ll make it look old.  (The fuck?!  It doesn’t even matter if it looks old, as long as you have a receipt that proves you bought it within the 30 day period!)

Frustration grows.  I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW THOUGH!!!

If you’re lucky, I’ll let you use it to take photos at your formal.

If I’m lucky?!?!?!  What the hell?!?!  It’s a phone, I need to use it!!  I’ve been wanting and waiting since the beginning of the year!  I HATE THIS I HATE LIFE WHAT THE FUCK!!!  This is not even life’s fault, it’s my parents!!!  WHY THE FUCK!?!  Study my fucking ass, I’m not studying until I get my phone!!  Brat as that may be perceived, I don’t fucking care, this is torture, it’s not even worth being owned my someone!!  Just like the time my dad bought me a MacAir so I could use it for school, and he put under his own fucking name when the laptop is fucking for me and me only to use!!! DICK WAD.

ANGEEEEERRRRRRRRRR.

Fuck this shit,
Just Another Woo Girl

Unhelpful parents increase stressing

So I’m going to Thailand next week.  Two days after I finish my last exam.  So when does that leave me time to prepare?  I’m not talking just packing clothes, and toiletries.  I mean, money, passports, IDs, credit cards, debit cards…  So many things to think about, on top of that, HSC stress!

I’m more stressed about Thailand than the lame HSC.  Which, by the way, my parents are completely useless for.

I tell my mum I may need a debit card or something so I don’t carry a whole wad of cash around, which would obviously make me, a target for tourist dog shit scammers.  Anyway, she says, okay, I’ll go to the bank today and ask.

She does.  She comes back and says, “No, they said it’s pointless and you’d have to pay monthly fees and you need a job.”

WRONG.  I just did the fucking research, and all I need is a tax file number and I’m ready to have a FREE debit card account.  Well you know what would be helpful right now?  Someone to HELP me get a fucking tax file number.  Which is the most strenuous process I have ever come across.  It says, I have to go through my school as that’s the easiest way…  No it isn’t!  Not when I’m done forever in a week!

Oh man, I just had a realisation.  Even if I apply for a TFN it’s too late because it takes around 10 working days to get back to me…  That’s it.  Tomorrow I’m applying for a debit card, and I’ll just have to pay the fee.  I think it’s like $10 all up or something, or either $4 or $6 a month.  Which is a lot seeing as I have no income…  I don’t know.

Also, I’m getting an iPhone 5, to replace my old ass nokia, and I want to use it now!  And for Thailand or whatnot.  And my dad wants to get a tax refund for going overseas, called the TRS.  This is because we’re going to America.  Anyway, I want to use it in Thailand, and beforehand.  So I did my research.  And he can get a refund when I go to Thailand, and he’ll send me off the airport anyway!  Well he should.  But he’s in a crappola mood at me for some reason, probably because I’m not concentrating on the HSC, but fuck that shit.  I’m stressed.

ERGH!!!

Yeah so basically they can do what I want, they just chose not to.  And that leaves me to deal with my unbearable problems.  My first world problems.  Poo.

Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

Karma has been restored

So I suppose Karma is real.  Yesterday, my much long awaited Jeffrey Campbell Rosie Cutout Combat boots arrived.  Best time ever!  They were $280 including shipping (yes expensive) but so worth it!  Anyway, I had been looking at the shoes for 3 weeks before I bought them online, I’m size 6, and it was sold out.  I was checking online to find out where else to get them, and found out, devastatingly, that they were discontinued!  Basically, I couldn’t live life without these shoes.  In the end, I ordered size 5 after seeing reviews saying that they ran large.

So yippee they fit!  Here’s a pic.

My new Jeffrey Campbell Rosie Cutout!

Anyway, as you can see, they are perfect, perfect to me.

But guess what?  This good luck and my faith in the shoe, must of course be balanced by the earthly forces of the universe, in the form of my formal dress.

My formal dress is so fucking ugly, okay, not ugly, but fucking ugly on me!  Why?!  I consider myself to understand fashion and dress for my body shape, which is a fat ass jiggly puff.  But fuck how my senses had been muffled by the extremes of the HSC, or maybe I’m just sucking.  Whatever it is, it’s ugly!

That’s not the only thing.

So I have to buy a new dress now (because I can’t get it altered, says my mum, and I don’t like it anyway.)  And the dress I like, isn’t as formal, it’s way less, and it’s $70.  That’s cheap for a formal dress right?  No!  Because I’ve been saving to get these new American Apparel high waisted shorts in dark blue, this is important because since I’ve gotten fat like an inflatable slug, I no longer fit my awesome vintage Levi’s and all my clothes, and no store sells actual high waisted shorts anymore, they’re just, mid-waist…  I mean, the fuck?!

So I need these!  But they’re $75!  And I only have $119 because I spend my money when I get it and I don’t have a job…

And this is where karma has restored itself.  With this ultimate first world dilemma.  And this is where I vent my fucking lame ass shit poop.

The dress I want from Princess Polly comes in stark white as well, and it’s $40, but I don’t know if I’ll look good in bright white.  Although, I will, be tanned from Thailand…  Also free shipping has added to the intense need.

FM1WL.  (Fuck my first world life).

Side note, I believe I made up atm (meaning at the moment), pretty sure I just made up FM1WL.  Not as catchy I must say.

Ergh,
Just Another Woo Girl

Annoying mum rant

I hate my mum so fucking much right now.  I like my dad, at least he slightly understands.  Far fucking out.  Just leave me the fuck alone.  She’s like get motivated, do something, I am fucking doing something!  She’s like get off the internet, I’m fucking doing my uni applications you dumb shit!  I mean fuck, seriously, just because she doesn’t use the fucking internet doesn’t mean I don’t need it!  I need to use the thesaurus, I need to listen to music to keep sane, I need to use my email, check terms, do the fuck whatever I want to do!  Don’t tell me to fucking get motivated!  You can’t just say something and expect them to do it, you need to instigate it!  Fuck, I mean seriously, she is the shittest at motivating!  I don’t even want or need her to fucking motivate me.  Her motivation tactics aren’t even motivation tactics, they’re just fucking nagging, and lecturing, shouting, and sneaking up the stairs ‘silently’ and then barging into my room!  Just fuck off seriously!  You’re not going to catch me doing something ‘naughty’ on the internet, not doing my work, watching a movie or some shit, because I will always be one fucking step ahead of you!  Far out, let me be, and do as I fucking will!  I know what I have to do, and nothing you do will make me want to do it more than I do my fucking self!  My dad tells me a story that is motivational and makes me understand.  My mum just storms into my room and says, why aren’t you at the trial test?!  Do your maths!  Don’t go to tutor with no questions to ask!  FUCK!  I already fucking know!  Just stop talking to me!  I don’t want to talk to you and all you do is fucking stress me the fuck out!  I tell her this!  She obviously doesn’t fucking care because she continues to talk under her breath, talk outside my closed door, just GTFO!!!  Fuck man…!!!

I’m out,
Just Another Woo Girl

What do I want to be when I grow up?

“What do you want to be when you grow up?

A simple question really, but why do we always get asked it when we’re in primary school?  Is the answer that we give them at that time, when we’re innocent and naïve, how we truly feel as a person, and embody our true dreams?  When I was asked that I used to say, “famous!”  And my sister would mock me saying, “What, a famous murderer?”  What I really meant was I wanted to be a famous singer!  I’ve always wanted to a singer.  In my high school years, the ‘dream’, as you call it, moulded as I began to see reality.  I’m seventeen, it’s not that awesome when a teenager can sing.  The wow factor is intensified by the younger you are, and I know I’m still young, but not relatively.  Plus, there’s a important aspect, called talent.
But if what we want to be when we’re young, our true feelings, should we strive to achieve that dream?  I think while I was watching Glee or something, they said, 95% of people don’t pursue their dreams and settle with something less than what they could ever achieve.  Even if you put your whole heart and soul into something, it still mightn’t work out.  But then again, it could.  Is that a risk I’m willing to take?  Or anyone is willing to take?  There are so many options out there.  I don’t want to go into university thinking, I don’t like this, and this is mundane and so boring.  I want the assignments and things I undertake to be something I am engrossed in, because essentially, whatever you learn in university are the kinds of skills and types of things that you will go on to do in your career.
It’s pretty sad that majority of people don’t live out their dreams.
Then again, what if you wanted to become an astronaut when you grow up?  Lots of little kids say, fire fighters and things.  There is literally no demand for an astronaut.  Are we even still looking at travelling into space anymore, time travel anyone?  Just because Neil got to go, doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t.  Though, if your dream is so far fetched than should you not pursue it?  Which contradicts my idea of the ‘true dream’.
I admire people who know exactly what they want to do, and they strive to achieve goals in order to achieve their dream.  Why can’t that be me?  I was thinking, maybe if I take a gap year or something I will be able to figure out who I am, and who I want to be.  But then, I don’t want to waste a year of my life thinking about what I want to do, and what my passions are.  The only passion I can think of is singing.  I like fashion, and I like dressing well, but I’ve never dreamed of being a famous designer.  I want to be able to start my career before I’m twenty-five.  I was thinking of doing post-grad law or something, and that’d mean I’d finish university around twenty-eight.  Twenty-eight!  That’s almost thirty!  I want to be topping it in my field by then (well not if I was to become a musician, actually I should be aiming for that, because I wouldn’t count on any sort of success when I’m that freaking old…).
So I guess, it can be said, that I want to succeed in any industry before I’m twenty-four, and that’s pushing it.  I just want to be in a girl band, I don’t even care.  Yuck I just looked at my hand and I can see the little holes where the hair comes out of. 
Other than becoming a singer, I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer and study law.  I’m not sure though, just because it is so demanding in studies and career wise.  I’ve always said no to becoming a doctor, I guess that’s probably due to my stubbornness.  Family friends would ask me when I was like five or six if I wanted to be doctor like my dad, and I’d be like, “no way!”  I like to think I was the artistic and creative one of the family.  Am I?  My sister liked to sing, that’s why I sang.  She used to make me sing Spice Girls songs with her when she was fifteen and I was around four.  I heard that anyone can sing, it just takes time, so if you’re singing earlier then you can sing (learnt that from Ed Sheeran).  Beside, I used to sing “I’m horny horny horny tonight” when we were in the markets when I was like four, I didn’t know what it meant.  My sister would tell me to stop singing, and I’d just keep singing because I liked it.  Suckers.
Oh, another reason why I mightn’t be able to study music.  Just because I’m prissy or something, I’ve wanted to go to the University of Sydney.  I love the campus, I love everything about it.  And the best music school in Australia, I believe, is the Conservatorium of Music, which is a school connected to Usyd.  It’s amazing too.  I love Usyd, and thus, I love the Con.  But to get into the Con, you have to study Music Two for the HSC or have Grade Six Musicianship, and you have to audition and take some aural test or jazz aptitude test.  The only thing I can really do is sing, my aural and composition skills are average.
I could study Arts majoring in music, but it’s different.  And if I do study that, it’s so basic.  If it doesn’t work out, I’m fucked.  So if I study a combined degree with Arts, like Arts/Law or Commerce/Law (I’m not really into commerce though, apart from marketing), I’ve got to get a super high ATAR of 99.7 or 94 for the commerce one.  So either way it’s hard.
The other option is to study at AIM, the Australian Institute of Music.  Though, I don’t really see it as nationally recognised.  And you don’t apply through UAC, the normal way, but through application straight to the institute.  Probably because it is an institute, not a university.  They offer a Bachelor of Music as well, and I’d choose performance.  It sounds good.  But it’s such a risk.  I like Law.  Oh how life is hard, and if it’s strenuous now, I can’t even fathom the amounts of depression destined for me in the future.
Oh well.  I will think on…
Bye,
Just Another Woo Girl