Please use your inside voice

Lol my fan is so loud when I close the door I can’t hear my parents screaming at each other.

I actually sort of think my dad may go through some sort of monthly issue like PMS but I don’t think there’s any sort of scientific reason behind his temperamental and anger management issues.  It’s weird because he used to be a lot worse.  And when I say used to, I mean maybe around six years ago?  I mean recently we had a huge fight because I wanted to turn on the air conditioning and he said it’s a waste of energy and basically said he would kill me at that very moment by punching me and he wouldn’t even care about the consequences.

Literally I said to him, okay, the fuck is wrong with you?  Why are you being so crazy over the air conditioning…  And I slammed the door and then he rams into it trying to get in like a fucking maniac saying he’s going to knock me dead.  I was like okay, kill me then (you idiot).  And then he’s all like, “why you slam the door?!”  And I say, because I’m angry at you for not letting me turn on the air conditioning when my room is fucking what 35 degrees and I can’t breathe, i.e. what we were just arguing about (idiot).  And he gets even more angry because he doesn’t like my answer and I’m like, what, that’s exactly why I slammed the door and I don’t even give a fuck.

What’s weird is that my mum was downstairs shouting for him to stop screaming, yet she didn’t take the actual effort to come and stop him.  I mean, hello, he said he was going to murder your own daughter, what are you gonna do about it.  Obviously she’d rather I die than to come up and have him get angry at her as well.  So good luck dealing with the popo when they find a dead teenage girls body in your house that is your freaking daughter.

Anyway so right now I’m just chilling in the only place in my room that I can sit down on, my bed.  I was about to start planning my (very stressful) 19th birthday when I realised, oops, my bladder is almost full.  Not oops, I did not actually piss myself thanks.  So I opened my door and was surprised to hear my parents screaming at each other again in chinese.  As usual when I first hear them fight, my heart is like “uh oh,” and I slowly freeze and try to listen.  Realise this, I am all the way upstairs, nearly on the other end of the house and they’re in the kitchen.  What I mean by that, is their shouting is motherfucking loud.  All I can understand mostly is something about arms and hitting them, and maybe murder.  Sigh, just calm the fuck down.  My aunty is over as well so please, calm the fuck down.

So yeah I don’t really know what they were arguing about.  I heard something about money and medication, maybe for my mum, or from my acne creams, I don’t know.  I feel like they might be stressed over all the investment properties they’ve bought, which is quite a lot.  And I feel like they don’t even really know what they’re doing…

I dunno.  Every time I turn on the air conditioning because it’s too hot in my room my mum’s like, just come downstairs it’s cooler.  First of all, everything I want is in my room.  If I’m at home I’m in my room (or the kitchen).  Secondly, why the hell would I want to hang around downstairs with you.  You stare at me, watch what I’m doing on my computer or phone, annoy me, and do gross things.

I could tell my dad was pissed even when I got home.  I had thought, er how can you be pissed already, what can you even pissed off about.  The only thing I can think of that I know about is that my aunty came over for dinner, but mum hadn’t made dinner, and dad tried calling her but mum didn’t pick up her phone because the screen was frozen.  Which to be honest, is a much too petty reason to be angry.  Why don’t you just cook?  He was planning to just eat at our local japanese restaurant which has yummy eel, but mum was just like no, I’ll cook fish and stuff, it’s quick.  I think he might’ve gotten pissed then.

Also this event that I will describe to you pretty much confirms his jealousy of my meal freedom.  You see, one day mum made dinner, but I ate a mango instead.  And today, mum is making dinner, and I had a delicious pork roll instead, and some ice cream.  And today, my aunt was apparently eyeing the mangos but my dad told her that they were for me (lol).  He was very bitter about this.  Because mum then said to him, er she (my aunt) can eat them!  They’re not all for me (me).  And he got pissy because my mum told him that he basically couldn’t eat the mango the other day because it was for me.  I dunno this explanation is boring.  So maybe their argument stemmed from that.

But to be honest, I can’t even be bothered trying to decipher why the fuck they’re fighting because a lot of the times the things they scream over are fucking petty as fuck.  They can be so immature.

And what I also thought when I peed was that, this is why I’m like this.  I scream at them because they scream at each other, and they also used to scream at me.  Every teenager probably feels like this but it was fucking annoying when I used to (and sometimes still) fight with my parents and they don’t even fucking listen to what you’re actually saying, and this tends to lead to screaming.  Though the thing is, what I then thought in my puny brain, is that I can’t blame them for how I am now.  When I was little you can blame them, because you don’t know any better.  But the fact that I am aware and so conscious of this I have the power to be different a change.  I have my own mind and make my own decisions about how I want to be.

That’s how I feel about complacent people.  I know I am lazy, that’s not something I’m proud of or attribute to “just being me.”  It’s something that I want to change.  But people who are just complacent with their flaws that they know are fucking flaws and basically prevent them from achieving and succeeding and being the best they can be at life, are just fucking stupid.  Being hard working, and not lazy, is so important for just life.  Everything is hard and takes effort, you just have to realise this.  Anything easy is not worth doing.  It’s only when it becomes difficult and you overcome obstacles that what you do is worthwhile.

So derp.

Sigh I have to clean my room it is actually a dump.  And I have so many new clothes and shoes to find a home for.  And I have to plan my birthday.  And I have to make facebook events.  And just life is a lot to do and it’s hard.  I spent too much money today…

Anyway, no more complaining…

Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

Trapped in the pantry (Friday the 13th)

So since I’m trapped inside a walk in pantry for god knows how long, I thought I’d blog. And yeah, I haven’t blogged in a long time, but to be honest there hasn’t really even been much to blog about, and also I just can’t be bothered.
I was going to ask if I was weird to hide in the pantry when my mum came home unexpectedly with a guest while I was eating frozen bananas in the kitchen. Caught off guard. To the point, I guess it is weird, I didn’t want to tweet about it cos it’s too embarrassing so here I am, back on the blog. This isn’t the first time I’ve been trapped here either. I’m pretty sure it was exactly the same situation as well, where I was sitting carefree devouring food in the kitchen when I suddenly here the turning of the keys in the door, the rattling of the metal door frame and the quick creek of the wooden door with the clanging of the chain. As soon as I heard it, my mind was racing, do I take the risk and stay in the kitchen in my bright pink robe and see if maybe it’s just my mum, or make a dash for the pantry?
Well you know what I decided… I thought, I could take my embarrassing robe off, but I wasn’t wearing a bra. I wish the kitchen was closer to the stairs so I could make a dash for my room, which I spend most of my time anyway. Convenience.
But instead it’s on the far end, and so I had to take my frozen banana and run into the pantry.
Far out I can hear them talking about me, I knew this would happen. They’re like, oh I’m not even bothered to ask her to come with us (on holiday to China) anymore, she’s unhappy there and even the older one isn’t happy! Well oh my god, mum is seriously such a baby sometimes. One time when we were all in Melbourne she started crying because she didn’t want to go to yum cha or some shit like that. What the fuck.
Anyway, awks. She thinks I’m upstairs in my room or something but I’m not, I’m right here listening.
OH NO I NEED TO SNEEZE!!!! Quietly… Just sneezed three times. I think I’ve gone unnoticed.
What erks me is that even though if I were in my room it’s highly likely I wouldn’t be doing my philosophy assignment, but now I physically can’t even if I wanted to! This is frustrating. Usually it’s just my own procrastination that prevents (well I guess it’s just me that prevents me) from doing my work. But now it’s the fact that I’m stuck in the pantry with an empty bowl, my phone and a stool. There’s not even food in the pantry, not that I’d eat it anyway (I’m on a diet). There’s only hair dye, appliances and non-edible stuff.
Usually I’d be content surfing social media on my phone, not thinking it was that boring. But as soon as I closed the door on myself, I thought, “fuck, this is going to be boring”. And that it is.
Now I’m sniffling, trying to quietly, because of the sneeze. Far out, they’re just gossiping about shit. I don’t really even know what they’re talking about. Drink tea and go away already.
You may be wondering about the last time this happened to me. I feel like I’ve thought about that time, many a time. Just thinking how odd and weird it was. And now here I am again. Last time I don’t think I even had my phone. Even if I had, I think I had a Nokia or something with no fun things on it. At least now the possibilities are broader with the iPhone… Last time it was my soon-to-be or maybe already uncle who came over to talk to my mum. I ran inside the pantry, trapped, and luckily there was some sort of fold out garden chair, and I sat on that. When he left I revealed myself to my mum, that I had been sitting in the pantry. Quite lol. I won’t be doing that this time. Not really sure how I’ll make my exit this time.
I feel sick. I want her to leave. I want to go back to my room, which by the way, in an act of procrastination, I’ve moved around. It took me maybe half an hour to rearrange a few things, my bed is facing the door now which makes me feel unsettled because the last time my bed was like that I had the most turmoiltuous dreams.
Eugh, I just heard the word diet. Shut the fuck up stop talking about me. Now they’re whispering and talking about how I went to dinner on Tuesday. What the fuck, I think she thinks I have a boyfriend (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH THIS IS HILARIOUS!). Actually now I’m not sure if they are talking about me. Oh my god, I wish I wasn’t here. She says I’m not confident, oh my god… This is so fucking weird. Please… I’m DEFINITELY not revealing myself now! But now I don’t even know how to!! I hope they both just leave and go shopping.
Life…
I don’t know what they’re talking about again… So anyway, uni update, I got a credit for some film studies exercise but so sad, I was a mark off a distinction! I handed it in on time as well! But my philosophy assignment was due/is due at four but I’m going to incur (I think that’s the right word) the two mark penalty because I don’t even fucking know what the questions asking. I want to apply for special considerations but it’s too late…
Lol I think they’re talking about me being lazy about dinner. I don’t think I am! I make my own shit, kind of, especially now I’m on a diet. Fuck I just want them to leave!!! I’m tired and don’t want to deal with this shit.
Well what do you know, I guess this is my Friday the 13th unlucky luck. This is what I get for being a ‘sceptic’ about it. My friend was like, “Be careful guys! It’s Friday the 13th!” And I thought, “Heh, whatever.” Well look at me now. Feeling slightly vomity in the pantry with 20% battery and an assignment to do and having to hear crap said about me. At least I don’t have a stomach ache (which I have been having a lot recently). Hopefully I haven’t jinxed it.
Well, we’ll see how this plays out. Looking at this bright screen in the dark makes me feel a bit nauseas.
See you on the other side (I’m definitely not wooing),
Just Another Woo Girl

I met Harry Styles in the most amazing dream…again

So I haven’t blogged in a while seeing as I’m extremely busy not studying for exams…  So today I had my first exam for anthropology, which as you know, I’ll probably have failed anyway, and did today.  And last night, I was up till around one am just…looking at really vague revision slides that the lecturer made for the last week.  Kinda helped and kinda didn’t, but turns out, I should give myself a bit more credit, some stuff I did listen to in tutorials did come in handy.  So with an early wake up call at 6:30am that I left till 7am (good job me) I feel asleep exhausted, and went to gain an eventful and blissfully euphoric six hours sleep…

And the dreaming begins…

Much alike any other dream I’ve had, this specific section was dreamt just before I woke up from a pressed bladder.  Anyway, rather than beginning with how amazing and overwhelmed I felt in my dream and when I woke up, I’ll try to begin by recounting this epic love story…

So I was in the shopping centre, not sure which one, and I was with a friend, also not sure who.  Actually I think it might’ve been my sister…  Anyway, we are in the middle of turning the corner to go down the escalator when from the corner of my eye, I see this curly haired cute boy with hipster glasses on.  I’m like, oh my god, is that who I think it is?  I look at him, and he looks back at me.  I look at him half quizzically and he turns back to whatever he’s doing and is trying to be inconspicuous.  I’m not quite sure, I think I say to my sister something like, “Oh my god, I think that’s Harry Styles over there…!!!”  It’s my last chance, as we turn and walk down I call out, “HARRY!!”  He turns and looks up at me!  It is him!!  It’s Harry Styles!!  His effortless bespectacled disguise cannot fool me!  My life flashes before my eyes (okay well this is just author exaggeration, it could’ve happened!).  He shoots me this look as if he’s saying, “Come now if you want to meet me!  Before everyone realises it’s me and crowds me…”, his eyebrows raised, eyes wide and neck jerked slightly forward.  So of course, I make my way hurriedly back to him!!

I’m somewhat swoop up to him and we embrace!  It’s warm and longing, and my arms loop under his arms, around the back of his chest, hugging him so tight!  (Wow, sorry, I feel really lame writing like a fanfiction, but to be fair, this is a real dream I had last night!)  I say something like, “I love you so much!  This is the most amazing moment of my life!!”  Something really cheesy like that, that he hears all the time.  But to be honest, I don’t think I even care.  I am euphoric, my heart is racing, it feels like it’s going to burst from my chest and I can’t stop smiling!!!

I had always thought about what I would say if I met Harry, and the others boys too, trying to think of something memorable, cool and interesting!  But then I realise, that the only reason why I’d want to say something like that is so I can spark up some sort of friendship, when in reality, it will never happen.  But then I tell myself again, you have to believe if you want to achieve!  Be positive and optimistic!  (Or it could be contrarily construed as naive and wishful).

Anyway, back to the dream!  In my dream, Harry was wearing a thin white tee with some sort of black calligraphic drawing on it…so loose yet form fitting, caressing his sexy body.  (Ultimate fanfiction moment).  He says something back to me like, “I love you too.”  I don’t know, I don’t remember what he said to me in my dream, but I’m going to make myself believe it was something as amazing as that and that it really did happen (in my dream I mean, I suppose I could also be delusional and make myself believe it happened in real life, but that’s just crazy).
I’m not sure what even happens, but then some people he knows or I know, or maybe even randoms come up to us (while we’re having an intimate moment) and basically I end up taking a few pictures of Harry and some fans or friends.  I’m handing him his phone or something and we’re standing close…and then I wake up.

Oh lord, when I woke up, it was 6:18am.  I was smiling so much my cheeks hurt!  The dream was so amazing, and incredible, and fabulously intimate I felt as though my heart would burst out of love!  Yet at the same time, I felt so incredibly sad that this may never happen, and I will never even get to experience this utterly epic sensation, it’s unforgettable…  So basically, an overwhelming overload of euphoria and melancholy, as I have described many dreams and moments before…  Oh life.  What a hand you’ve dealt me.  What an amazing dream.  I wonder what will happen the next time I dream about Harry…just wondering makes me smile.

All my love,
Just Another Woo Girl

Mould1001

So yes.  My room is currently the most messy it has ever been, to my recollection.  Now, it’ not even just messy, it’s actually disgusting.  I don’t want to go into all the details because it will just gross you out and make you all think I am really disgusting and messy…  So anyway, as you would’ve known, the past few weeks (maybe not the most recent few) have been hectic with assignments.  Now, it’s not even that I pull all-nighters consecutively before the due date, which would probably be more beneficial, but a single all-nighter before the day I hand it in, whether it’s (not ever) on time or days/weeks after.  So yes, I had the phase with the tim tams.  Recently though, I haven’t been doing that.  I think I may be put off on that for at least a few months.
I’d been drinking a lot of tea in an attempt to boost energy and caffeine levels to no avail.  And so, seeing as these past few weeks I’ve just given up, I had just left these mugs of half drunken tea in my room.  Fermenting, as you will.  To be honest I think they’ve been in my room for maybe two weeks.  And my room is strewn with my clothes because every morning I don’t know what to wear.  I’ve worn this top this week already and I don’t want to look like a dirty hoe who wears the same clothes everyday with obviously no time to wash them.
So anyway, they’ve just been sitting there.  And for some reason just now I decided to finally take them downstairs to the kitchen.  But before doing that I had a tiny peak inside…  EWWWWWWWW MOULD!!!!!!!!  EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh my god it was excruciatingly cringeworthy!  Oh how I cringed!  I saw it and quickly put the lid back on.  As I’m writing this I am cringing, eughhHH!!!!!!  There were like black green circles of mould sitting on the top, and I think the tea had turned into some acidic translucent colour.  Most likely due to the soy milk in it.  Oh so gross.  At first when I looked in I thought it might’ve been the tea bag, but it was peaking out from two ends of the cup, and that was when I realised it was mould and shut it!
I’m not sure, but this might be the most disgusting experience of mould I have ever experienced!  Equalling this other time…
The other time was in probably year eight I think, when I was thirteen.  My mum used to pack me sandwiches for lunch and sometimes I wouldn’t eat them because instead I’d buy something from the canteen.  Usually, one of my friends would be hungry and they’d end up eating my sandwich.  I think on this particular day, I forgot about it and I’d already arrived home from school, the sandwich still in my lunch box.  Of course I couldn’t leave it there, otherwise my mum would’ve gotten me in trouble for not eating and also might’ve made me eat it then and there.  So I snuck it out of my back and stashed it in this massive plastic storage container I had with all these old books and girly files that you’d write in.  And then, I guess I forgot about it.
Sometime later, I don’t really know how long, I opened this container for some reason and holy mother of god, how it stank of death.  Oh man, it smelt so bad, it was sour and strong, like an actual garbage dump.  I opened up the paper bag, and there was the sandwich.  Soooooooo grossssssssssssss.  All mouldy.  Not sure which is more gross, the mould growing on the sandwich or the mould floating on the tea.  Fuck.
Mould is like the one thing that is actively revolting.  It’s not even the type of gross thing that is so gross but you just can’t help looking at it.  It’s the gross thing that is just like eugh, get out of my face and out of my memory.  So bad.
Yeah so I took that downstairs and left it on the counter.  My mum cleaned it.  Lol.  If I was living alone I would’ve just thrown the cups and everything touching it into the garbage bin.  So damn disgusting.  Well, I don’t know what she did with it, maybe she threw it as well.  But I supposed I can’t ever drink from those cups again.  Fml.  Well not really fml, but just so gross.
My room is a mess.  I haven’t started writing the essay that is a substitute.  It was due Friday and now I want to hand it in on Monday before 6pm so I don’t accrue even more than two late marks.  I suck.  And I have work tomorrow…  I’m so bad at work.  I’m just so bad at what I’m supposed to do.  Oh fuck, I am going to fail all my exams.  I can feel it.  I told my mum I want caffeine pills.  She said no…  I must pull an all-nighter on Sunday.  Otherwise I won’t be able to start studying for my exams.  Oh I am going to fail.  
Lol my parents are trying to talk to me right now.  My dad bought me some stuff for my dry skin, oh it’s so dry.  It’s literally like vaseline that he’s bought me.  Lol my dad’s telling my mum that his brother, I think, had a baby and for her to congratulate them or something.  She’s like go away, you’re disturbing everyone.  Because I’m supposed to be studying right now.  I think she’s like, I’m not going to, because they didn’t congratulate her?  I don’t know. Oh right, it’s because they had a baby boy.  And my parents didn’t have a boy.  My mum’s like, I’m the only one who didn’t have a boy, what can I do…  Lol.  I don’t even know.  Kind of depressing really.  Oh well.  Oh well.  Oh well…
Eugh I think they wanted me to be a boy.  Oh well.  Eugh, I think I would’ve made a particularly ugly boy.  I don’t know, it’s much easier for a girl to improve their looks with makeup but for boys, it’s au naturale.  Meh.  I wonder how I would be if were a boy.
Anyway, I should try and get back to my essay which I haven’t done.  I haven’t even read the articles yet.  Fuck.
Cya all,
Just Another Woo Girl

Today I saw my future self

Today, in fact I think even maybe this very second as I sit on the train defeated, I’ve seen my future self. I mean maybe face wise. It’s not good. My face has deteriorated and can no longer hold itself up. My eyes are puffy. I don’t want to get old. More specifically, old and ugly. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with getting old. Of course except that I’d rather be young forever. But I think we can all agree that me and my features will my withstand the test of time. And as they all say, Asians deteriorate at an increasingly steep rate all of a sudden. There are heaps of attractive old, and I mean grannies out there whose features still seem to peer thought the wrinkles and sagginess. I, however, have a dire future ahead of me. Oh my god. Seriously, I don’t think I want to live if everyday I have to see myself with wrinkles and slowly watch my youth seep slowly from my being. As if everyday I were to wake up and know that another little source of myself is gone forever.
Obviously this is a rather extreme and superficial outlook on life. But let me be clear, this is only how I see life in the far future from this very moment. It’s almost impossible that I will keep this perspective as I continue to mature and grow, my mind that is.
Why can’t I have it all? I watched some interviews of Aaron Johnson on YouTube and wow he has aged. But he’s still young, he’s supposed to be around 22 or something. But he’s got all crowd feet around his eyes. And yes, crows feet are from smiling a lot but, how? Is his wife sucking the youth out of him? Ah yes, that is quite cruel of me and I can try and suppress these superficial thoughts but no matter what, I think it anyway which means there’s no point trying to hide it from everyone. The only reason you would hide thoughts like these is to prevent people from thinking badly about you, that’s self preservation and image issues. But then that can decay your relationships so really, I should keep things like that to myself. But in my defence, everyone is thinking it and they said it about Britney Spears and Madonna…so yeah.
Also the lady who I thought could be my future self was chomping down on a sushi in a single bite. I don’t do this but…I probably would if I was by myself. It’s like how I don’t eat my pork roll unless I’m by myself or with people who I don’t care what they think. That didn’t really make sense but my brain is hurting right now…
It was also awkwardly hot today. It’s winter now and I’m wearing a long sleeve chiffon shirt with a short sleeves sweater over with my anorak. I stepped out of the door today and immediately it was hot. But I didn’t have time to go back and was half an hour late to my lecture anyway…. I don’t even know. I can’t even deal with this sociology essay even though its a substitute. This is bad. I really can’t find any good articles. Not even good, relevant articles!!!!!!!!
I’m tired.
Bye,
Just Another Woo Girl

Don’t try and tell me you don’t want to see what it would be like to grow old with me

YOU’RE IN LOVE EVERY OTHER DAY COS YOU SMILE AT ME LIKE YOU’RE DYING TO SAY THAT YOUR HEARTBEAT STOPS WHEN I’M WALKING AWAY SO DON’T WALK AWAY – YOU’RE IN LOVE!
Imagine drinking wine incessantly and you’ll be kissing me on New Years Eve…
I’m listening to You’re In Love by Betty Who thanks to Tyler Oakley!  It’s been stuck in my head all day but for some reason I’ve got to listen to it on SoundCloud because shitty iTunes won’t let me put it on my phone without syncing…  It’s such an eighties sound and I love it.
Anyway, I literally can’t find any fucking articles on Google Scholar for my substitute sociology assignment and it’s really getting me frustrated and angry!  My breathing is stressed even while I’m typing this!  I’m using all the relevant key words but nothing good comes up!  I’ve got two articles which are alright…
I’m sitting in the law library and when I walked in, it was so quiet.  It was scary.  My friend even wanted to go into the Cone of Silence, the ‘quiet study area’.  I’ve read all the confessions and spotted things on facebook and people get dirties for turning a page too loudly, and breathing.  No way was I going in there.  My friend had described this such phenomenon to me before, and she said that during the day time the sun shone directly from above the cone (there’s like a massive sun roof) and it’s as if there’s a godly beam of light streaming down that should be accompanied by an “Ahhhhhhhh!”
Anyway, I should get back to studying again seeing as this is my substitute assignment.  I was at my sociology lecture today with Salvatore, he is the greatest lecturer ever because he is so kind!!  Everyone says that sociology is really easy, and I can’t really say because I haven’t done the work, but the real reason why it’s so easy is because of Salvatore!  He is so kind and sympathetic!  Basically the exam is multiple choice and really simple and straightforward, unlike the psych exam which is full of tricks.  And the lowest mark you can get is 40/100!  Even if you get zero you’ll still get 40% because he says, that even in an essay, if you actually attempt it properly but it’s crap you won’t get under 40.  Only if it’s not a real attempt will you get under!  So that makes me feel a whole lot better!  So great!  But kind of annoying some two guys behind me kept remarking how they were getting HDs and how Salvatore was nice.  Just shut up, or learn how to whisper.  You know you’re doing it right when no one else can hear you.  And obviously they were doing it wrong.
My friend was like, what are you doing? (while I was typing).  I said, “writing in my blog.”  She like, “Oh, that’s why you were typing so fast.”  I don’t think I could ever even imagine myself typing so fast when writing an essay.   Eugh, even thinking about writing an essay in an exam is giving me anxiety!  I literally know nothing about anything.  Life.
Oh my god Game of Thrones last night.  Fuck, it was crazy!  But so perfect.  The credits with the silence, godly.  We were discussing it, as you do, and basically I was like to my friends, don’t tell me, no spoilers!  And they continued to talk about it ‘without spoilers’ but they spoiled it.  I never want to talk about Game of Thrones with anyone it fucking ruins everything.  And then they try to take the spoiler back, but they can’t.  Eughhh!!!!  Erks me man.
Also, I was gonna watch Gatsby with my old tutoring class but now they’ve all seen it, and I don’t really want to watch it by myself (technically not true).  Life.  Oh life.
I can’t do uni.  Mehhhhhhhhhhhh.
Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

A substantial crisis

So for the past few days I’ve had somewhat of a substantial crisis.  Some of you may agree, and some of you may not.  Meh.  Anyway, so I’ve had these two essays due for sociology and anthropology.  Both of which, were due on the same day, I think exactly two weeks ago! And basically, the protocol for late assessments (well my understanding) is that you can only hand them in with the normal penalty, before the date they’re handed back to everyone else. I think I’m actually so stupid, or so weary over study things right now…  But anyway, a few nights ago I was thinking to myself, holy shit, it’s actually been almost two weeks now and that means minus twenty marks for me!
And knowing this, it’s pretty draining.  By this time, I find it impossible for me to actually achieve a pass, which means I will fail.  Psychology is an example of this.  But if I look at my anthropology assignment one, I got a high credit, so I could possible still have a chance of passing that unit.  But whatever.
Anyway, last night I checked my uni email and there was one from my lecturer.  It basically stated some facts about the course, upcoming things like exams.  But one in particularly, became the bane of my existence.  The sociology essay was being handed back on Thursday.  You know what that means.  I quote, the “hard deadline” is tomorrow.  Which in present terms, is today.  I was like holy shit, my life.  
To be honest at that point, I didn’t realise the extremity of my position and what actual implications it meant for my future.  But after deliberating with my friends at 4:30pm today, 5.5 hours before it was due, I realised it meant I would automatically fail the unit, if I didn’t hand it in.  Which means I’d either have to take five units in a semester which is 16 hours for me, or do an extra year/semester.  No way.  So the email from my lecturer said, so nicely, “If you don’t think you can meet the deadline, email me and we can discuss a solution.”  Even though it was a gentle and kind leeway, I was still afraid to email him.
I mean, I see my lecturer as a distant figure, a tiny person at the bottom of the hall, chattering away.  Kind of like a celebrity.  I don’t talk to them.  Even when they look at you, how can you know if they’re looking at you.  You don’t smile at them when they look at you in a lecture, you just continue to listen intently and maybe stare back at them.  I find the relationship to be much like a famous musician at a concert, and I, a tiny speck in the crowd.  A tutor is more relatable and approachable.  I mean, for sociology, my lecturer has this thing after a lecture where he shouts students coffees a Taste.  I’ve never gone.  Don’t really plan on going.  But kind of sad that I’ve never gone, seeing as I don’t plan on doing sociology next semester.
You know what, I was so set on doing psychology into senior years, even though I flunked out and it was really hard, I still found it so interesting.  But now I find out you have to do some entire big thing on statistics, and maybe neuroscience.  This could be the death of me! I know if I put the time and effort in, I can do it, but…  No!  I can’t think like that!  Next semester, it’s all in, all brains!  Your brain is a muscle and it needs to be trained, otherwise it turns to moosh!!  True stuff.
Back to the essay.  Anyway, I ended up emailing him with the help of my friends guiding me with what to say.  And he replied to me saying that I can do a substitute assignment, even though it’s completely different.  Fine with me!!  So yeah, pretty ecstatic!  
I think the whole point of this post was to say, that this was really and extremely bad, I thought I’d have ages to do the essay before the hard deadline, but turns out I didn’t.  I was even more fucked than I have ever been.  More fucked that handing in an assignment so late the penalty marks end up failing it.  I mean, this would have meant I’d automatically fail the entire course.  So I’m glad.
Except now, I was kind of really chirpy when I was starting this post.  But now I realise, I can’t be.  This is only the beginning.  I’ve still got to do my entire anth essay before Monday morning.  I’ve got two things on this weekend so I’ve got to work hard.
Another thing.  I was planning to go to both my tutes today (since I had a presentation in one and missed my limit for the other) and then going home straight after to finish the essay and hand it in before 10pm.  But I got a text from my friend asking me if I was going to my lecture.  How convenient.  I hadn’t decided yet, but that made my decision all the more easy.  No I wasn’t.  So I hung out with her, and my other friend came from the lecture we were supposed to be in.  She also does sociology, and she was the one who said, I have to email him!  So if I hadn’t decided to be a bad student and not go home and do the essay, I wouldn’t of had an important discussion with my friend that would have allowed me to not fail the unit! I mean realistically, I highly doubt I would’ve been able to finish a really crappy essay anyway.  So what’s the moral of this story?  What is the lesson?  It seems that being bad has rewarded me…  (Oooo philosophical).
Anyway, I should do my anth essay now.  I’m actually at my local library right now!  Haven’t been here since the HSC.  It’s kind of weird.  So many HSC students, I feel out of place.  Wish I had my anth reader with me…  I’ll figure something out.  Or I’ll do my SONA stuff.  I signed up for some study about medicine, it’s online, it’s 2 hours long and fucking the most boring shit ever…  So I guess I’ll do more of that.
Out sistas,

Just Another Woo Girl

I am never painting my nails during the day ever again

So just wanted to let you all know that I am never painting my nails ever again during the day.  Ever.  Usually I do my nails at night before bed because otherwise it hinders me from doing other things during the day, but then my room always smells of poison during the night, not that I really notice…  But for some reason, some stupid reason, I decided to paint my nails in the middle of the day.  Well the reason is procrastination (not that it can really even count as a reason).  So instead of writing my essays, I sat and watched spongebob on my computer whilst doing my nails.  
For some reason there’s this massive hype right now, I keep seeing memes about it, of how cool and awesome Spongebob is as a cartoon, and that it should be for adults.  I love how when you watch old children’s shows as an older person-
Oh my god stop right there.  I am an adult.  I am eighteen.  I am an adult.  Holy crap!  This is so weird!!!!!!!  This is the first time I’ve thought of or called myself an adult!!!  Well I actually didn’t call myself one because as I was thinking and typing it in my head it didn’t sound right…  I usually refer or categorise myself as a teenager, because I still am a teenager…  Wow!  I’m an adult!  Not sure whether when I turn nineteen next year that I’ll call myself an adult or still a teenager.  Maybe save adult for when I’m twenty.
Anyway, when you watch kids shows when you’re older there are so many things you don’t pick up on that you do now, like sexual innuendo.  It really makes me think what the writers are thinking when they write stuff like that…  Is it apart of how you make a children’s show?  You have to put sexual things in that they won’t get as some sort of underlying meaning and when they’re older they feel comfortable with sex?  I don’t know.  Well I thought Spongebob had some…  I watched the first few episodes a few weeks ago and didn’t think it lived up to it’s hype.  But now, after a few episodes in I feel like it’s heaps better!  I really like it.  Was never that into Spongebob when I was little anyway.
It’s kind of weird thinking that Spongebob is old, but he is so cute!  He acts like a little kid in the show.  But then Squid-ward is actually like an old man, older man…  So there’s this weird uncle-child relationship…  I don’t know.  Pearl is just weird.  Creeps me out.
So yeah basically painting my nails in the middle of the day has basically made my entire day revolve around painting my nails.  They don’t dry quickly since I’m not using OPI and so I have to be careful.  Then I think they’ve dried, literally six hours later, but they haven’t.  I accidentally scratch like a hole in the middle and have to fill it.  Then I’m in the shower and it moves off the nail and feels like rubber.  And now I’ve had to remove two of my nail polished nails and redo before I sleep because obviously, that is the optimal time.  
There’s literally nothing to eat at home.  I saw Maxim icecreams in the freezer every time I opened the fridge but wanted to save it for later.  I was nagging my mum that I wanted icecream and I suppose she or my family friends mum bought it.  And then tonight, I was like, now’s the time, the perfect time, there is no other time before until this time, to eat chocolate coated vanilla ice-cream!  I was so excited.  And then, to my complete horror, it was gone.  All gone.  The box is gone.  Just an empty space left behind.  Fml.  Now I’m eating some seaweed crackers, fuck.
Teen-life,
Just Another Woo Girl

The churning stomach…


What an emotional day.  It was the end of an era, the end of everything, The Office finale…  Oh how I cried.  But another post on that later.  I just checked my psychology essay results, and my internet has been running slow for the past few days, possibly because of all the windows and tabs I have open for online shopping.  Anyway, blackboard is always super slow on the turn it in thing, and whilst waiting for it to load, my stomach was actually churning.  I’m not sure that it’s ever churned before…  Unless churning is also what you call what your stomach does when you’re really hungry.  
In my tutorial on Wednesday my tutor was pretty…I’m pretty sure she hinted that we didn’t do very well, and that means, people failed.  I was sure I’d fail.  But then there’s also that tiny tiny part of me that hopes that maybe I am so naturally talented in some area and don’t even know it that I pass…  Well that feeling wasn’t that prominent this time.  And to kill the suspense, I failed.  Horribly.  Well I didn’t fail horribly, but I did fail.  My raw mark was a high pass, it makes me wish that I’d handed it in a week earlier and I would’ve at least passed the essay…but now I’ve failed.  I guess I can take this into account as, I’m not a complete failure, well my work isn’t.  But meh.
I think overall I was pretty prepared to see a whole lot of comments.  And I did.  To be honest I read the first three and couldn’t be bothered anymore.  It’s not even that they were making me feel sad, or bad about myself.  I just assume all the comments will be about similar mistakes, like I’ve stated facts that are actually wrong…  Not that I’m expecting any positive comments, but I doubt I’ll have any of those anyway.  An email went out a few days before saying that the tutors will mark hard?  Actually I don’t think it said hard, but they wouldn’t hold back from pointing out flaws, in order to improve.  And also that the essay isn’t a mark of your potential, or you as a person.  The fact that the coordinator or whoever stated that specifically was comforting to me and made me feel better.  But all in all, I think after writing all this, I feel sad.  I still haven’t started any of my two essays, and in an attempt to start later, I decided to check my results after remembering that they were released at noon.  
I don’t even know.  It makes me so sad that I have to do assignments.  Well essays.  I don’t even know…  I went to the bathroom and thought…  Arts is all academic, all about academic essays.  I was thinking of picking up film studies, but then I also realised that that too was about analysis and academic writing.  All the subjects are.  Then I thought about journalism, at UTS or at Usyd, and realised even though it’s not particularly academic, the writing is still supposed to be sophisticated…I don’t really know.  Then I thought about fashion, writing is important, but it’s not the major factor.  Should I be doing that?  I don’t know.  I imagined myself transferring to UTS…not sure how I feel about that.  The only thing I really love about Usyd is the campus, how it’s massive (even though walking is a con) it reminds me of going to uni in America or something.  UTS is literally one ugly and tall building, with ‘campuses’ separated by commercial blocks…  I love Usyd.  Some people say to me, they don’t actually love Usyd, but then others say they love it.  I was sitting in a lecture thinking, I wish all I had to do was listen and take notes, not have to write essays, not have to do exams.  My exams are in less than three weeks and I haven’t even handed in my last two assessments.  Life.
Not to mention tomorrow I have my second day of work.  I didn’t actually tell you how my first day was.  It was last Sunday and I worked five hours…  I work at my old tutoring place.  I don’t really know what I expected, I kind of thought I’d be teaching primary school students.  But tomorrow I have to assist a year twelve class, I don’t even know what to do.  To be honest, I mean I’ve always known and thought this, but I’m not that good at english…  Not good enough to teach other students.  And these students are only a year younger than me, in the position I was in not only a few months ago, and now I’m (sort of) entrusted with their future.  I’m supposed to mark essays and stuff.  I remember having tutors help me with mine, they gave me examples, what to put in my essay, things I need to expand on and points.  My tutor even gave me and my friend essays to mark one time, I literally had no suggestions and have no idea.  It’s because I’m not at all confident or opinionated about these things, I have no idea what the author is trying to say, or what they are saying.  So how can I possibly help others…  Not to mention again that the class splits into two, one on Hamlet and one on Yeats.  I don’t even know what the fuck Yeats is.  I think I have to research or read up on it before tomorrow.  And read up on techniques that I’ve forgotten…  One of the girls who I’m assisting said that I have to get used to teaching stuff I don’t know at this tutoring place.  This makes me sad.  I suck seriously.  I’m considering resigning because I literally don’t think I have what it takes to teach or even assist or even mark HSC essays…  I don’t know how I’m going to survive the two hours tomorrow, bullshitting my way through, pretending to be smart.  
I was watching BeautyCrush on youtube again today, of her behind the scenes of fashion shoots (link here).  It made me realise that I’ve got to learn to get used to this feeling because all my life it will be like this.  Sammi was helping with styling at the shoot with people I assume she’s never met.  Caught a plane alone to Ibiza to meet with people she’s never met.  Had to have lunch and make small talk with them.  Feeling like a newbie, which is what I feel like at work, and sometimes at uni.  I say sometimes at uni because I don’t feel like that all the time, but I am still a fresher and literally think it in my mind.  Yeah I don’t really know where I was going with this or if I’ve already made my point but whatever…
Oh watching the video also made me want to be a model (lol).  It just looks so fun!  Not that I’d ever be one.  It reminds me of being an actor or something because you have to audition all the time and you’ll get rejected and things like that…
Sigh, I’ve also run out the Tim Tams my mum bought…  So no more delicious Tim Tams with tea…  I don’t know if I told you but I finally found Yorkshire tea!  It was in Coles I think.  I was getting more tea after I’d run out of English Breakfast and saw it just sitting there!  Finally when I wasn’t looking for it, it appears!!  And then I wikipedia-ed it in store to see if it was the actual one, and it was!  So yorkshire tea is the brand, and it makes black tea, so there is no other Yorkshire tea.  That’s just what I’ve gathered…  Here’s the attractive picture I took.
Image
I actually think this picture is attractive, not sarcasm.  Well actually this is far too big, I can really see it all in it’s not so glorious form.  I think shopping would make me feel a lot better…  But there’s no time for that.  I really can’t fucking be bothered.  I can’t go now since all the stores will close/have closed.  I can’t go tomorrow since there’s not enough time before work.  I have to start my assignment tonight and also read up on Hamlet, Yeats and techniques.  That’s for tonight and tomorrow morning.  Then I have to work until two, and then probably walk around my local stores and see nothing worthy compared to the top shop pants I want.  Maybe I should just trek it out there tomorrow on a fucking Sunday to buy them if the weather is good…  Shops close early on Sunday as well…  I don’t know.  It’s really pissing me off that I can’t make the picture smaller.  It’s either me or wordpress, but either way it’s pissing me off.  Minus one to wordpress, fuck.  I woke up at like twelve today and realised it was sunny outside, opposed to the rainy weather report.  Annoyed…!!!!  I should’ve gone to the library but I thought it’d be raining and I don’t like going outside when the weather is that miserable.  Lugging around an umbrella is the worst.  I really need to buy a new umbrella, some sort of compact one, but not enough money to spare for that.  My mum is so annoying, I don’t ask her for money for things I want, like clothes and stuff, nor do I go shopping with her because every time I regret it.  Anyway, so one time she was like, just tell me what you want and I’ll give you money, and you concentrate on studying.  I think this was in reference to me not having a job before and not having any money because literally no one would hire unexperienced me.  I really wanted to work in Sportsgirl or General Pants or even Glue.  I think one person kept saying to me, General Pants is so exclusive, and I was thinking, I fucking know, but there’s no harm in still applying…!!  Yeah well my mum hasn’t really done anything to support what she’s said.  Plus she only says things like that when other people are around.  Meh.
Cya bitchez,
Just Another Woo Girl

Pointless

So hello, I am so not in the mood for life.  I collected my philosophy essay today after my tutorial.  My tutor told our class that no one failed, so yay, I was happy to hear that.  Other than that, I got my essay back, and to be honest, I saw the mark and thought, meh.  I didn’t want to read the comments because I was with a friend, and was hungry and rather not be bummed out from the comments.  I mean, I scraped a pass with my ten mark loss, so the comments wouldn’t be praising.  I was already in the pass zone without the penalty, so you can probably guess how low I scored…
I love my tutor though, he’s so cool.  Such an awesome tutor.  If I compare him to my other two tutors, he is better infinitely…  I’m seriously rethinking taking philosophy next semester, I’m obviously shit.  In fact, I scored ‘poor’ on referencing and bibliography.  That’s not all that crucial to the content, but he also commented that I said that other academics said something that they actually didn’t…  Fml.  That’s pretty important.  And basically I suck at everything.  Although, he ended the comments with, good work!  I’m not sure how to take that.  I wonder what he says on HD essays, “Incredibly amazing young Einstein!”  Fml.  If he’s saying good work to make me feel better, then, I don’t know.  If he says it but actually means it in a mediocre way that is representative of my work, meaning he thinks my shit is actually good, then that’s sad for me.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.
Also the comments he left where quite vague, and I guess I’m not good at all with criticism even though I know my essay sucks.  I don’t even have the will or want to do my two late essays now.  This is the worst time of my life.  It was tough enough for me to do the philosophy and psychology essays, let alone anthropology and sociology essays that were due on the same day.  In fact, it will be a ten mark penalty by tomorrow.  If these were the first essays to do, I’d probably have a more optimistic outlook and pull an all nighter.
The thing is, I just can’t be fucked, but then I don’t want to fail.  If I attempt the essay I could scrape by with a pass.  But now, I don’t even know if I will since it’ll be so late.  I don’t want to live if living is like this.  What can I do?  I don’t mean this as, what can I do – do my essay.  I mean, what can I do – this course is not for me.  Or maybe these subjects are not for me.  
Will I go out this week?  I kind of just feel like chilling, and if it’s at night, chilling at a bar with live music and going home at like eleven or twelve…  Nothing really calls to me.  The last time I went clubbing was to Pontoon (an asian club) and basically, meh, that encapsulates the whole night.  I’m not sure whether it’s the club (highly likely and influential since, blurgh) or just that it’s not as fun as it was when I went out the first time.  Also, every time I go out, I would only go if I know how I’m getting home.  And now, even when people who live near me go out, they go home a different way with other people so it’s kind of a hopeless and stupid situation.  
Actually it’s weird.  I feel like everyone wants to go out clubbing but all I want to do is go shopping and chill.  It’s like a complete turn around from last holidays…  Life.  But I don’t have any money.  I had a lot of money last holidays.  Meh.  I wonder why I feel so down, is it because I’m going to get my period soon?  Is it because I’m failing uni?  Is it because I have no money which is stopping me from fulfilling my material wishes?  To be honest, if I had a lot, I mean even more than what I had last holidays, I would be able to go out and just get a cab home, but I can’t.
So what I learnt today in psych is to live in the present.  It’s kind of a generic motto.  But the real question is how do you live in the present?  What I’m doing now, writing in my blog, doesn’t seem that fulfilling or amazing, it’s not propelling myself into some sort of awesome future.  
Actually I read this really creepy and distressing story on reddit, I’ll link it here.  It could also be a reason why my mood is not lifted… (Click to read the scary story).  It really is an intense story, gets you right in the thick of it all…
And fuck, I forgot to do my weekly psychology quiz.  Fuck my life.  I’d set an alarm for Sunday afternoons, and I always do it, but I saw the alarm, and forgot about it…
Arts…  What a waste.  Unless you are amazing at one field, it’s so pointless.  My life is pointless…  My studies are pointless…  I don’t think I have clinical depression but I read somewhere people who sleep a lot could be depressed…  
And as I sit here typing feeling sorry for myself, I could start on my sociology essay.  I’m really going to fail.  I really, truly, am.  I will.  I can’t even hold an optimistic view…  My hair gets so greasy to quickly now.  I’m pretty sure I washed it yesterday and now it feels a bit oily.  Maybe it’s because I sprayed it with hairspray…  Putting on some Jedward to make me feel better.
Oh I love listening to Lana Del Rey when I’m walking or going places, it makes me feel like I’m in a movie or something, soundtrack to my life!  Fun.
Life,
Just Another Woo Girl