I thought something was funny but I won’t say what

I don’t usually hahahahaha in my posts but today I’ll make an exception because I’m feeling slightly spritely at this moment besides also feeling sluggish from lying in bed all day.  If I don’t say why I’m hahaha-ing is this post kind of pointless?  Probably, but I don’t care.  I had fillings and a clean at the dentist today, I got needles, and half my face was numb.  I think I should drink more water, and try to read my tutorial notes so I can start recording my procrastination and study habits that I was supposed to start on Monday.  However, I can’t because I’m behind on readings for psychology, and basically all my subjects and it’s only week three.  I dunno, this post just doesn’t feel like it’s the right time to bring in the hahaha’s, but it’s been done and undoing it seems kind of, redundant.  I don’t know why I chose the word redundant, but hopefully you can assign some sort of understanding to what I actually mean by it, because I have no idea, and I’ll just agree that that is actually what I mean.  Maybe I meant what you mean but I didn’t even know it.  I have a bunch of lecture slides, notes and exercise notifications sitting in the printer downstairs.  Downstairs being the word of importance.  I feel like I want to just dance around my room so I can use some of this pent up energy (and not to mention unused calories) but I’m just not feeling it, I don’t have any music in mind.  Also to that, I have to update my iTunes because I’ve been listening to Halcyon by Ellie Goulding non-stop, with intermittent Katy and Marina and the Diamonds, and every so often just repeating some Miley because I only have two songs off her new album on my iTunes right now.  This is quite devastating.  So many readings to catch up on.  Today I was supposed to catch up on everything.  Oh my god, and I still have a brain and behaviour lecture to catch up on that I keep forgetting I’ve even missed.  How does one become organised???  Should I use my diary??  I think the answer is yes.  Okay, let me start using my forty dollar diary more thoroughly like I had in the past.  Oh my god, and also, where the hell are my really nice binders I used for school?  I had a mint fabric covered one and a gold metallic fabric covered one, both of which, were so nice.  I want to use those folders to start filing my notes in rather than these flimsy cardboard ones.  I mean, they’re nicely coloured, but the feel and touch of cardboard makes me sort of cringe.  I know, petty reasons, but…  No buts!!  But I’ll still but…  Anyway, I don’t even know.  Just so many funny things right now.  Not right now, but what I’ve discovered.  It’s kind of hilarious.  And also, I don’t know.  I was just thinking about love, and when I say love, I basically just mean romance in general.  It can be so, different, there are so many things that could happen, so many ways actual love can come to be or come to realise itself.  There’s no way of saying which one is the best and which one is the most long lasting, it just depends, on the people, the person, the everything surrounding the love.  Oh wow that last part sounded lame.  But I won’t delete it, because I feel like this post is a rant post.  Not for anyone else, just for me.  To vent things, just to type and think, but not ponder, okay, maybe ponder, but to not dwell.  I think sometimes, well a lot of the times (The Office) I dwell on thoughts.  And sometimes, when I’m reading about psychology I think, oh no, do I have a mental disorder?  Am I over thinking to the point where I could be classified under some sort of anxiety or depressive disorder (my inability to even name one actual disorder shows a vast gap in my understanding and my study of psychology, or if there even is a gap, maybe just an empty space, much like an abyss of nothingness.  Yes, I think that could be closer).  Oh my god, this whole last part seems a lot like dwelling.  Okay, let me move on.  I need to invest in some hand cream, a nice compact hand cream I can carry in my bag.  My hands are so dry right now, just, it’s uncomfortable.  I feel like my blog is very mundane and it’s often just talking about how I suck and venting stuff, but I do have lots of fun as well in my life.  I was about to add to the end of that sentence, “I suppose,” but I do!  I don’t know, I don’t blog about it because I feel as though the good things, are so ephemeral.  I just love that word.  And what I mean by that is what everyone always says, that kind of cliche saying, I don’t even remember the saying.  Just the one that says that you always remember the bad things more than the good things, especially when it comes to compliments and put downs, but I feel this a lot and also more in reference to the bad feels.  Yes, feels.  They’re not bad, well they are, but I mean nothing about death and things.  Just things that make you kind of anxious are the things you tend to think about the most.  And I think, that you have kind of a limit to the things you can think about all at the same time.  And if you’re thinking about something negative, and you keep thinking about negative things, you overtime squeeze out the positive and happy thoughts from your mind.  Not on purpose, just by habit.  I guess that’s why they say think positive, be optimistic.  Because once you hold onto something negative, your whole attitude is infected, and your mind becomes diseased.  At this point, just try your hardest to be positive, fake it till you make it, before it becomes epidemic.  But then at the same time I think that if you fake it you could also end up repressing feelings that you need to let go of, I guess it really depends on what exactly you’re dwelling upon…

Yes so anyway, tomorrow is a new day.  I don’t know why I say things like this, but it is.  You already knew that.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.  So funny though, I look in the mirror and I say to myself, “Oh my god pizza face” and laugh.  And then I’m like, “No!  Positive thinking!!  You look nice, me… Lol.”  Yeah I also say lol in my head, it’s kind of pathetic and not an attractive trait.  But you know, I used to “oh em gee,” and I also do that again, sometimes?

Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s.  These are basically the hashtags which made me laugh and want to blog about it, this is as vague and as specific as I can be, and now, I silently laugh through weird puffing sounds #wordpress #discoverme

P.p.s.  I guess this is also the first time I use hashtags in my post.  Wow, great day for firsts.  I’m going to read some of this blog now.

Holy crap I have nothing to offer

“The group project is to encourage the ability to work collaboratively and effectively in groups; to manage conflicts appropriately and ethically; and to pool knowledge and abilities to produce a superior report of research and analysis, including a critique of published research.”

Holy crap I have nothing to offer.

Take deep breathes, stay calm, you can do it.  I’m sitting here at my desk, for the first time in the whole holidays writing a pros and cons list of why and why not I should take a second major in psychology.  There are so many opinions running through my head that make me just want to break down and have a good cry.  I just really need to figure out what it is that I want to do this year.

Well I want to get good grades and transfer, but also discover and learn new things that may open my mind to new possibilities (this is important because I still don’t know what I want to transfer into).  I hope writing out some thoughts that don’t fit into my pros and cons list is productive, I’ll just say it is because otherwise I will surely have an anxiety attack.

I’m just confused.  And I can’t even categorise it into what I’m confused about, that’s how confused I am.  Am I confused about myself?  My passions?  My abilities?  What I like?  Sometimes people say, you can do anything.  But then on the other hand, people will say to me, you’re doing arts, you can’t do science, good luck with statistics next semester, and laugh.  The thing is, can I do different things?  People say you can, try new things all the time, at least give it go.  I’ve given it a go, psychology and statistics, I did it last semester.  But did I really give it a good try?  Because I didn’t study the entire year, why did I not study?  I tried to in the beginning, and then just conked out.  Does this mean university isn’t for me?  I used to think I was smart, at least pretty smart and not an idiot, but now I’m beginning to think that I’m actually stupid.  I mean, even if I was a bit smart before in high school, I feel like I’ve completely lost any sort of academic intelligence.  Do I just need to ‘retrain’ myself?  Or am I just stuck being stupid.  But I don’t believe that anyone is ever stuck.  When people ask me for advice I always know what to do (well generally).  But sometimes I wonder, do they want to know what I would do.  I give advice, in a way where it’s kind of the epitome of ‘goodness,’ and I’ll usually add in what I would do personally in that situation.  Giving advice is hard because the person who actually needs it is the only one who can really know what is best for them.  But when I give advice to myself I always back hand the ‘good’ advice with something less encourage-able, a more dire outlook on life.

So maybe I should try and give advice to myself as I would give to others in my situation.  So me as my outer self is giving me as my inner self advice: Should I study psychology?  It’s really hard, it has statistics, and I’ve always almost prided myself to be a non-maths and non-science person even though I used to love science when I was little.  Science has always interested me, but I was never much good at it, I’d always prefer studying for music or doing practicals in textiles, drawing, or even learning languages or thinking deeply about concepts in english.  I guess now I see that those are the things I love, but I’m not doing any of those things anymore which to be true to myself, is really quite sad.  The most I do is sing in the shower, play the piano when no ones home, and the last time I did anything to do with textiles was alter my birthday dress (which I had great fun doing) and cutting tops into crop tops.  Though I think languages weren’t really my forte since I didn’t pick it up as an elective, even though I was acing French like a boss, still can’t hold on to a French accent though, or any, maybe with practice.  This will also seem like a petty reason, which it is, it’s that continuing with psychology will mean I have to deal with a clashing lecture.  I’ll probably have to listen to the stats lecture online, which I’m not sure, it could be detrimental to my learning.  For PSYC2011 we have an in-tutorial quiz every few weeks, I’m scared.  Reading the course outline makes me scared.  There’s a group assignment and I’m so scared I’ll let my class mates down, I really sucked last year, and I’m scared even if I try really hard I won’t be able to it.  I wonder if I try to pretend to be positive I will end up being positive, and succeeding.  Or on the other hand I will fail miserably and probably fall into some sort of deep depression.  Writing this is making me so sad.  Should I try and give myself advice now?  Get ready for some pump up talk (this is going to get weird I can feel it already).

Dear self, I know you’re having troubles right now, believing in yourself, but you can do it if you put your mind to it.  You can achieve anything.  You’ve got your entire life and you’re only nineteen, you can’t give up now because what will happen for the rest of your life?  You can’t be complacent.  Nothing is easy.  And everything that is easy gets harder, but that’s what makes it worth while, makes life worth living.  Pursue your short term goals and they’ll evolve into long term goals, into your career, into your passion, and into your life. Do what makes you happy.  If you don’t know what makes you happy, then try new things, how about you try actually trying this year.  Don’t give up.  If you’ve fallen behind, don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything, study, get back on track, and maybe reward yourself.  It doesn’t matter if your timetable is difficult right now, you have to do what you have to do.  I think you should do psychology and listen to stats online, it’ll give you time to process what they’re saying, pause and listen, take notes, especially if it’s hard.  You just have to make sure you listen every week.  Set some classes on Tuesday and go to uni, and listen to the lecture afterwards.  Doesn’t matter if you’re tired, you’re always tired because you’re a bit of a major lazy shit.  It’s time to get up early and just go.  You used to get up at 7:15am for high school, what makes university different?  Get up, get ready, go to uni, or take your time and have a proper breakfast, meet up with people before you head off, if you’re at uni early go to the library and revise your readings, don’t be late to class.  It doesn’t matter if you only have class for a tiny bit in the morning on Tuesdays and it’s your only class and you have to go because it’s a tutorial, you will study afterwards.  It doesn’t matter that you’ll have one less day to work, and one less day to make money for an overseas trip because uni is more important, it’s how you’ll make money in the future, and real career professional money, not retail base rate teenager pay.  If you study hard and properly you won’t let your class mates down.  Just try your best, that’s all you can do.  Uni is a full time job, five days a week, you’ll have a work shift now and then but don’t let that make you tired and think, no studying for today.  Study everyday, everyday of your fucking life.  Do what needs to be done, do more than needs to be done.  Study at least six hours a day.  You need to study otherwise you’ll fail like last year.  You are smart.  And you can do it.  If you work hard you can achieve anything.  You aren’t born smart, you’re made smart, you can make yourself smart.  (Okay that just sounded a bit derp but whatever).  YOU CAN DO IT.

Sigh.  I feel slightly better and bit lame.  Anyway, I think I’ll do what I told myself to do, because I know that’s what’s best.  Let me learn my lesson by saying that I could’ve been having the time of my life studying Fashion at UTS right now, but because I was stupid, and even though I knew what I should’ve done, I made the wrong decision and now I’m here doing Arts.  Arts is cool, just not for me.  Even though UTS is ugly and stupid, it was better and I should’ve put that as my first choice.  I am an idiot for putting Arts first when the ATAR was so fucking low.  But at least I’m trying to do something, to change it, to be better.  Back to thinking, I will fix my timetable, apply for jobs, find someone to swap shifts with me, and organise my shelves, make a list of stationary to buy, and hopefully buy that tomorrow.

Also I’m having major hair issues and food craving issues I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Stay strong, me.

Ty,
Just Another Woo Girl

A revelation that has already been revelated

It’s pretty interesting, this idea that we are influenced by the people around us, whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally or personality wise (if that’s even a separate point).  I’m sitting currently, at a Gloria Jeans, enjoying a (too) hot chai tea latter (yum, though nothing can beat the goodness of the green tea frappacinno at Starbucks), and I realized I was sipping my drink like a squirrel.  Taking a tiny sip, and doing that thing where your tongue touches the top of your mouth and you make that really annoying sound.  And I realized, I’m doing that thing that my sister does, she eats like a squirrel and it’s really a, what the hell are you doing, moment.
So I guess, we, as people, are just an amalgamation of everyone around us (wow a revelation…).  If I’m a little like my friend, that means I’m a little like everyone they used to know before me.  When we’re little we’d have little (or major) aspects of our parents and siblings.  And when we’re older, our friends.  The way we think, the way we act, but hanging out with so called ‘bad influences’ doesn’t necessarily mean you will also become a ‘naughty’ child.

It depends on your own influence, how much you make an impression on someone.  And here comes the ultimate American flick cliché, the good girl meets bad boy, they fall in love, and she changes him with her goodness and he becomes a better person.  Yes he might change, but it will predominantly be only temporary, they break up, he goes all bad boy again and he’s like, “Oh girl, you can’t change me, I’m a bad boy to the core.”  I guess what I’m saying is that, it also could turn out like the High School Musical scenario.  Gabriella changed everything, Troy, the school, the status quo!

Anyway, I guess that’s what makes us unique, we take miniature features of the people around us, which are really miniature pieces of their past, or the people we admire, unconsciously or intentionally, and then we end up with, us, and you.  An original, irreplaceable, and most exceptional person. 

Nice pep talk.

Sincerely,
Just Another Woo Girl