I thought something was funny but I won’t say what

I don’t usually hahahahaha in my posts but today I’ll make an exception because I’m feeling slightly spritely at this moment besides also feeling sluggish from lying in bed all day.  If I don’t say why I’m hahaha-ing is this post kind of pointless?  Probably, but I don’t care.  I had fillings and a clean at the dentist today, I got needles, and half my face was numb.  I think I should drink more water, and try to read my tutorial notes so I can start recording my procrastination and study habits that I was supposed to start on Monday.  However, I can’t because I’m behind on readings for psychology, and basically all my subjects and it’s only week three.  I dunno, this post just doesn’t feel like it’s the right time to bring in the hahaha’s, but it’s been done and undoing it seems kind of, redundant.  I don’t know why I chose the word redundant, but hopefully you can assign some sort of understanding to what I actually mean by it, because I have no idea, and I’ll just agree that that is actually what I mean.  Maybe I meant what you mean but I didn’t even know it.  I have a bunch of lecture slides, notes and exercise notifications sitting in the printer downstairs.  Downstairs being the word of importance.  I feel like I want to just dance around my room so I can use some of this pent up energy (and not to mention unused calories) but I’m just not feeling it, I don’t have any music in mind.  Also to that, I have to update my iTunes because I’ve been listening to Halcyon by Ellie Goulding non-stop, with intermittent Katy and Marina and the Diamonds, and every so often just repeating some Miley because I only have two songs off her new album on my iTunes right now.  This is quite devastating.  So many readings to catch up on.  Today I was supposed to catch up on everything.  Oh my god, and I still have a brain and behaviour lecture to catch up on that I keep forgetting I’ve even missed.  How does one become organised???  Should I use my diary??  I think the answer is yes.  Okay, let me start using my forty dollar diary more thoroughly like I had in the past.  Oh my god, and also, where the hell are my really nice binders I used for school?  I had a mint fabric covered one and a gold metallic fabric covered one, both of which, were so nice.  I want to use those folders to start filing my notes in rather than these flimsy cardboard ones.  I mean, they’re nicely coloured, but the feel and touch of cardboard makes me sort of cringe.  I know, petty reasons, but…  No buts!!  But I’ll still but…  Anyway, I don’t even know.  Just so many funny things right now.  Not right now, but what I’ve discovered.  It’s kind of hilarious.  And also, I don’t know.  I was just thinking about love, and when I say love, I basically just mean romance in general.  It can be so, different, there are so many things that could happen, so many ways actual love can come to be or come to realise itself.  There’s no way of saying which one is the best and which one is the most long lasting, it just depends, on the people, the person, the everything surrounding the love.  Oh wow that last part sounded lame.  But I won’t delete it, because I feel like this post is a rant post.  Not for anyone else, just for me.  To vent things, just to type and think, but not ponder, okay, maybe ponder, but to not dwell.  I think sometimes, well a lot of the times (The Office) I dwell on thoughts.  And sometimes, when I’m reading about psychology I think, oh no, do I have a mental disorder?  Am I over thinking to the point where I could be classified under some sort of anxiety or depressive disorder (my inability to even name one actual disorder shows a vast gap in my understanding and my study of psychology, or if there even is a gap, maybe just an empty space, much like an abyss of nothingness.  Yes, I think that could be closer).  Oh my god, this whole last part seems a lot like dwelling.  Okay, let me move on.  I need to invest in some hand cream, a nice compact hand cream I can carry in my bag.  My hands are so dry right now, just, it’s uncomfortable.  I feel like my blog is very mundane and it’s often just talking about how I suck and venting stuff, but I do have lots of fun as well in my life.  I was about to add to the end of that sentence, “I suppose,” but I do!  I don’t know, I don’t blog about it because I feel as though the good things, are so ephemeral.  I just love that word.  And what I mean by that is what everyone always says, that kind of cliche saying, I don’t even remember the saying.  Just the one that says that you always remember the bad things more than the good things, especially when it comes to compliments and put downs, but I feel this a lot and also more in reference to the bad feels.  Yes, feels.  They’re not bad, well they are, but I mean nothing about death and things.  Just things that make you kind of anxious are the things you tend to think about the most.  And I think, that you have kind of a limit to the things you can think about all at the same time.  And if you’re thinking about something negative, and you keep thinking about negative things, you overtime squeeze out the positive and happy thoughts from your mind.  Not on purpose, just by habit.  I guess that’s why they say think positive, be optimistic.  Because once you hold onto something negative, your whole attitude is infected, and your mind becomes diseased.  At this point, just try your hardest to be positive, fake it till you make it, before it becomes epidemic.  But then at the same time I think that if you fake it you could also end up repressing feelings that you need to let go of, I guess it really depends on what exactly you’re dwelling upon…

Yes so anyway, tomorrow is a new day.  I don’t know why I say things like this, but it is.  You already knew that.  I don’t know.  I don’t know anything.  So funny though, I look in the mirror and I say to myself, “Oh my god pizza face” and laugh.  And then I’m like, “No!  Positive thinking!!  You look nice, me… Lol.”  Yeah I also say lol in my head, it’s kind of pathetic and not an attractive trait.  But you know, I used to “oh em gee,” and I also do that again, sometimes?

Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s.  These are basically the hashtags which made me laugh and want to blog about it, this is as vague and as specific as I can be, and now, I silently laugh through weird puffing sounds #wordpress #discoverme

P.p.s.  I guess this is also the first time I use hashtags in my post.  Wow, great day for firsts.  I’m going to read some of this blog now.

Scrolling through my Facebook timeline

I was scrolling through my facebook timeline, having a few laughs with myself…  I used to post a status everyday, more than one and mostly about Glee, Nick Jonas, food or being bored.  The comments I used to reply sound so dry when I read back on them, even though at the time I was so happy with everything in general, must’ve been my cool, laid back, “idgaf” facebook persona.

But mostly, aside from cheesy lines and some really weird sexual posts, I’m sad that 19 year old me hasn’t achieved anything that 14 year old me once dreamed of.  I posted about wanting to go to Juilliard and going on a gap year to Italy.  All those things of which didn’t  even cross my mind in year twelve.  I mean it occurred to me I could go on a gap year only because some friends were going on a gap year of their own, but to me, it wasn’t a real option.  And even though this year I want to travel, it seems like Italy hasn’t even crossed my mind as an actual possibility.  Before I would’ve gone there, just to Italy, stayed and lived there for a few months and just probably gone back home to Sydney, with a possible spontaneous road trip to the next country.  But now, I feel like I wouldn’t even travel to Italy by itself, I would have to travel all or at least one side of Europe in one go, and that’s only due to money.  But I feel as though, why should money be the reason that I don’t travel to a single place, at this moment in my life?  Is it because I’ve grown up and realised money is essential to actually doing things, for life?  Or is it because I’ve lost the thrill and the dream of travelling for the pure pleasure and new experiences?  Well, I feel that maybe now that I’m five years the wiser (what a long time that is…) I’ve realised that there are restrictions to what I can do.  But then I tell myself, and people say, the only things restricting you are the restrictions you place on yourself.  So if I think of it that way, I can do anything that I want.  In respects to travelling, I guess it’s just a balance between the need for money and the seeking of thrills and experiences.

I just keep thinking of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.  Blake Lively went to Italy, right?  Some European country I think it was anyway.  And for a few months?  Seems amazing.

But onto Juilliard.  Obviously I would never go there, I couldn’t.  I mean, even if I tried for the rest of my life, I doubt I’d make it in.  It doesn’t really appeal to me anymore in that sense.  But is that because subconsciously I’ve set it aside because I think it’s far too out of my league anyway?  Or is it because that career and the passion for singing isn’t with me anymore?  I love singing, is it a passion?  I don’t think I’m good enough to make anything of it anyway, yet I often think about living the life of a popstar, what kind of tolls it would have on me as a person, travelling non-stop for almost a year touring, not seeing friends and family.  Right now I’m studying Arts, and let’s not turn this into another existential crisis about my university course, but obviously it’s not something I want to do or pursue the rest of my life.  And I say pursue, because every career is an endless pursuit, you can always better yourself, learn more, and I feel as though anything or any career that has a distinct ending point is pointless.  I mean, I define a career as a job that is your passion, and a career is something where you always have more to achieve.  But don’t think of it in a negative light where you’ll never finish, because if it’s your passion you never even want it to finish.  You don’t look at is as an infinite number of stages where you’ll never be the best, but you should look at your career as things you have achieved already to get to where you are, and where you are is your best, it’s the best you can be at the point in time, and rather it should excite you that you haven’t reached the end.  Because once you’ve reached the end, you’ve reached the end of your passion, and if it’s your passion, probably the end to any meaning to your life (in that respect, of course you should also have actual people relationships…derp).

Anyway, so what I mean is that, my life right now, it seems all a bit purposeless.  High school is fine, everyone has a purpose, it’s to discover who you are, what you love, what you want to be, and all that.  But university, or whatever it is that you decide to pursue after your usual obligatory years in high school, is supposed to be all the more meaningful, the start of a new era in your life where you can discover yourself surrounded by your passions and the people you actually care about, the time where you really start to grow and learn.  To be honest, I feel like the same person.  Actually, sorry, no I don’t, that just sounded more dramatic.  I mean, I feel different than before, but yet I still feel the same.  Let me think about how so…  I’m not all too sure.  For one, like I said before, I don’t know what my passions are.  But are passions just hobbies that you’ve grown to love and are dedicated to?  Is music my passion?  Is singing my passion?  Is fashion my passion?  (Lol).  Is makeup my passion?  Those are the only things I really like to do for the sake of only that it’s fun and I think I’m pretty awesome.  But I’m can’t sing that high, or that uniquely.  I don’t follow avidly any fashion blogs at all, and I’m not up to date with high end fashion.  And I don’t see how makeup can take me on a never-ending life journey…  Well actually it could, I always imagined it to be like being a celebrity makeup artist, travelling the world with them.  But what would I do when I don’t want to travel around constantly anymore?  Will I become a glorified sales assistant?  Will I start my own makeup school?  Makeup brand?  And also I’ll have to defer or be a college drop out to become a makeup artist.  But this is all silly.  I shouldn’t limit myself.  Why do I have all these doubts.  I should try to be a free thinker.  I will become a free thinker and do what it is I want to do.

Yeah I was going to say something else but I’ve forgotten.  Now that I’ve not even been working I have realised what the lives of the unemployed is truly like.  I mean, I thought I’d experienced it before, but now, I really have.  Last time, I was just going out, having fun.  But this last week, I’ve literally been sitting on my ass all day.  Not even that, lying in bed watching random shit on the internet and scrolling endlessly through newsfeeds.  I’ve feel as though I’ve gotten lazier and lazier now that I have no structure to my life.  And now I can understand the vicious cycle of unemployment and the real will that they all lack to find a job.  I have a resume, yet I haven’t applied anywhere properly yet.  I am the worst.  But I can be better.  I’m still deciding whether I want to work retail, hospitality, or the truly mundane, call centre things.  To be honest, I’d work any if it was high paying (except maybe hospitality, that might be do much physical endurance for me, although it probably has weight loss benefits).  I think I’d most prefer to work high end retail, it’s a higher pay, better work environments, though there’s also much more client care and commitment, which I don’t mind, and probably enjoy.  Call centres and such will probably be much too boring for me, not enough human contact, plus, weird hours.

Oh yes, what I was going to say is that maybe I want to be a psychiatrist, which is linked to my current studies in psychology.  I thought maybe it would be good because you have ongoing relationships with your patients, you get to know them, so you can understand them and truly help them.  You’re helping people in a meaningful way.  But I’m not sure whether I want to because I just finished watched the first season of My Mad Fat Diary.  It’s really good by the way, a British series.  I found out about it on tumblr, and I was like what the hell, I so want to watch this.  It’s about this fat girl who basically ends up with the hottest guy in school, so basically, I can relate and can fantasise about this minute possibility.  Also the guy, Finn, is gorgeous and so cute.  Classic bad boy, with a good heart and is really sweet and actually really kind.  Yeah, so when I saw all these GIFs of it, I was like, huh, these names sound so familiar, and the characters as well.  It looks like this book I bought and read ages ago.  AND IT WAS!!!  It’s the adapted version of My Mad Fat Teenage Diary which I read in maybe year seven.  I loved that book.  I can’t tell if it was actually great or just a good teen drama.  I think it was the latter.  But seriously, watch the whole first season, it’s only six episodes.  At first I was a bit like, this is alright…  But you get to know the characters, it’s a bit like Misfits in the cinematography.  Finn is sexy as fuck.  I cried so much in the last few episodes, that’s how good it is.  Love it.

Anyway, I’m getting two of my wisdom teeth out tomorrow.  I haven’t been dreading it much.  But that’s probably because I’m too stupid to actually imagine and comprehend the read pain I will be in tomorrow.  Stop it, me, I’d rather be half oblivious than wretchedly scared.  Okay fuck, I think I’m getting that TSI or whatever hand thing from typing too much, I really hope I don’t get arthritis in my fingers when I’m older.

I’m going to watch the Lilo and Stitch films now.

G2g,
Just Another Woo Girl

Today I saw my future self

Today, in fact I think even maybe this very second as I sit on the train defeated, I’ve seen my future self. I mean maybe face wise. It’s not good. My face has deteriorated and can no longer hold itself up. My eyes are puffy. I don’t want to get old. More specifically, old and ugly. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with getting old. Of course except that I’d rather be young forever. But I think we can all agree that me and my features will not withstand the test of time. And as they all say, Asians deteriorate at an increasingly steep rate all of a sudden. There are heaps of attractive old, and by old I mean grannies, out there whose features still seem to peer through the wrinkles and sagginess. I, however, have a dire future ahead of me. Oh my god. Seriously, I don’t think I want to live if everyday I have to see myself with wrinkles and slowly watch my youth seep slowly from my being. As if everyday I were to wake up and know that another little particle of myself is gone forever.

Obviously this is a rather extreme and superficial outlook on life. But let me be clear, this is only how I see life in the far future from this very moment. It’s almost impossible that I will keep this perspective as I continue to mature and grow, my mind that is.

Why can’t I have it all? I watched some interviews of Aaron Johnson on YouTube and wow has he aged. But he’s still young, he’s supposed to be around 22 or something. But he’s got all crows feet around his eyes. And yes, crows feet are from smiling a lot but, how? Is his wife sucking the youth out of him? Ah yes, that is quite cruel of me and I can try and suppress these superficial thoughts but no matter what, I think it anyway which means there’s no point trying to hide it from everyone. The only reason you would hide thoughts like these is to prevent people from thinking badly about you, that’s self preservation and image issues. But then that can decay your relationships so really, I should keep things like that to myself. But in my defence, everyone is thinking it and they said it about Britney Spears and Madonna…so yeah.

Also the lady who I thought could be my future self was chomping down on a sushi in a single bite. I don’t do this but…I probably would if I was by myself. It’s like how I don’t eat my pork roll unless I’m by myself or with people who I don’t care what they think. That didn’t really make sense but my brain is hurting right now…

It was also awkwardly hot today. It’s winter now and I’m wearing a long sleeve chiffon shirt with a short sleeved sweater over with my anorak. I stepped out of the door today and immediately it was hot. But I didn’t have time to go back and was half an hour late to my lecture anyway…. I don’t even know. I can’t even deal with this sociology essay even though it’s a substitute. This is bad. I really can’t find any good articles. Not even good-but relevant articles!!!!!!!!

I’m tired.

Bye,
Just Another Woo Girl

I am so crazy right now, I think I’m time travelling

So hiya all.  My mind is totally racing right now.  I’m typing this and thinking, very quickly, and thinking, am I going really fast?  I feel like I might be revealing some sort of mental problem right now, but then again, what if I’ve discovered my super power?  (I’m not crazy).  (But that’s what crazy people say).  (Eugh stop typing in brackets).  I heard a car zoom past a few minutes ago, but it sounded as if it zoomed past at lightning speed, what I mean is faster than life.

Or maybe I’m going even slower, slowing down time…  Meh.  Meh.  Meh.  Meh.  Meh.

Okay, cya, guys!
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s. Just watched Smash.  Epic.  Kinda wanted Hit List to win though, but I suppose we started off with Bombshell.  Meh.

Sleepy is cute but it’s not tired

I was just procrastinating and reading through some of my old blog posts from September last year, one specifically entitled, Dermatology win!  To be honest, I did win, but I didn’t even do anything about it.  My dad gave me a referral letter and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost it.  I mean, this was at least six months ago, and I’ve changed my room around, and everything’s different.  I really do wonder where I put that letter…  I bet I put it in my skinny bookshelf when I got it, like behind some books because I had a habit of slotting all the school, board of studies, and uni letters there.  It’s normal, I think, I mean, I don’t even get that many letters so where the hell would I put them?  I should probably start researching a way to keep my letters in check, seeing as I’m finally growing up!  I don’t know if I’ve let the bloggosphere know, but I applied for my own debit card a few months back.  It was pretty invigorating…  That’s not the right word, but you get the gist.

Also, tumblr, I’ve made other accounts on blogger and tumblr:
justanotherwoogirl.blogspot.com
justanotherwoogirl.tumblr.com

Blogger is actually my original account so you can check out heaps of my old posts there.  I think they’re better written than these ones, mostly because I had more time, and more interesting things to vent about.  So, love that.

I’m still not sure which out of the three I like best.  I love how wordpress has prettier themes, uses categories, and widgets, but then you have to pay for actual customisable themes.  And I’m so broke right now, I have no money in my bank.  But yay!  My old english tutor offered me a job as his assistant, so I’ll see how that goes, I’m excited!  I like tumblr because I think it’s more accessible, but then maybe my blog-style isn’t suited to it.  I like the themes on tumblr too, they’re alright.  Blogger is just ugly, or really boring and generic, also it doesn’t have categories, widgets, it’s probably harder to use, and a con for me is that it’s so simplistic.  But I love the stats page, it’s so easy.

Meh.  I have a psych essay to write for Wednesday.  It was due last Wednesday.  Fuck my life.  I feel so, meh all the time.  I’ll try to source references and articles tonight and read them tomorrow morning.  I’ll only have less that 24 hours including procrastination time to finish it.  And I absolutely have to finish it, I can’t lose another ten marks on top of my current negative ten.  It makes me sad.  I feel so stupid saying that, “I’m sad.”  Lol.  I can’t believe I’ve been “lol-ing” on my blog, I never wanted to.  I should probably just stop and try expressing myself better like I used to.  I want to say it again.

I’m tired.  I read a tumblr post that was like, “sleepy is such a cute word, why don’t we just always say sleepy instead of tired?!”  (I thought sleepy was so cute before this post, I’m not hipster).  And then someone’s like “I’m fucking sleepy of your shit.”  And that was so funny.  I laughed so tiredly.  The reason we don’t say sleepy instead of tired is because there’s actually a fucking difference.  I don’t mean to call the person who posted it a douche bag because sleepy is actually a cute word, but it is no replacement for tired.  Sleepy is associated with happiness, like you’re so sleepy from having an amazing but relentless day.  Tired is bad, it sucks, I associate it with being in the state I’m in now.  Tired from doing shit that wasn’t all that enjoyable, or specifically to my case, tired from doing jack shit.  Tired from sitting on the computer half-assedly attempting to do an essay.  Tired because I’m to pussy to try and figure out what I’m supposed to do because it’s just too hard.  Hard.  Hard.  Tired…

1:15am.  I thought to myself, try and think of it as due tomorrow morning.  But then I continued to write this post.  So it didn’t work.  After this post, I’ll close all these bullshit procrastination windows and try and fucking use PsychINFO.  Seriously, the fuck.  PsychINFO is so hard to use, if everyone is such a genius why don’t they make it a user-friendly interface, fucking hell.  I’m so tired.  PsychINFO, fuck you.  I love Google Scholar, it was so easy.  I took it for granted, fuck you PsychINFO, just, fuck you.  Fuck yourself.

Life,
Just Another Woo Girl

I must find peace

I was really inwardly stressed about this week.  I had my philosophy essay due on Friday which I missed the deadline for.  I was planning to hand it in today before 4pm and have it only be a day late.  But obviously, it is now 11:13pm, it didn’t happen.  Would I say it’s wishful thinking that I would hand it in, not even on time, but three days late?  I did even say today that it was.  What I really meant to say, and what probably is the true of this situation, is that I really just didn’t try hard enough.  By 3am last night, I decided, fuck it.

And this is why.  My philosophy paper is worth 30% of my final mark.  Yes, this is a shitload compared to my preliminary assessments of anthropology and sociology which were only worth around 15% I think?  (Take into account, I have two major essays for these classes due on the same day in two weeks, so not really a win).

May I just interlude with, this is Arts!  It’s JUST Arts!  It’s a single Arts degree, nothing more, nothing less, so why is it so hard?  The ATAR cut-off for a single Arts degree is so low.  I remember my year seven PDHPE teacher asking me what I was doing next year, I said, “just Arts.”  Basically, it was just to clarify that I wasn’t doing anything else with it.  She said to me, “No, Alina.  It’s not JUST Arts.  Be proud of what you’re doing.  Arts is a hard degree.”

What I thought to myself at the time was, “but I’m not proud of my degree.”  The only thing I’m proud of (and I’m not even proud) is that I’m going to Usyd.  I also thought, “Arts isn’t a hard degree, why would the ATAR so low if it’s so hard.”

Now I realise it’s probably just because there are so many available positions it’s not exclusive or whatever, I can’t think of the word I’m looking for…

Anyway!  Back to the point.  The philosophy paper is 30%, whilst my psych paper is 25%.  Psych is apart of the Science faculty so it’s policies on late work is different.  For Arts, it’s a 2% penalty for each WORKING day.  And I think for psych, it’s a 10% penalty per week.  Which actually ends up being the same thing.  So since it’s Monday night, and both of them haven’t been done, the psych paper hasn’t even been started.  I began to think.  With my brain.  I feel like I’ve done a lot of thinking the past few days, but it’s really been backward, I’ve been thinking hard about ways to hand in my assignments late rather than just doing them…

There’s basically no way I’m going to finish my psych essay on time.  I would have had to finish it on Tuesday night in order to hand it in online before uni on Wednesday.  That would leave me (now) one night, that would be tomorrow night.  So it’s basically impossible.  No, it is, impossible.

If I hand my psych essay in late, I may as well give myself the week since it’s penalised weekly.  So I’ll hand it in next Wednesday.  I will lose 2.5% of my overall mark.  But on the paper, it will say, “-10” which will make me very sad and want to jump in front of a train.

Now that leaves my philosophy essay.  Now I actually have to hand this in to the fucking office.  If I hand it in on Thursday before 4pm, I will have lost 2.4% of my final mark.  If I actually had the time to finish my psych essay on time, this would be worth it.  I’d work on my psych essay until I hand it in, and then spend Wednesday night completing the entire phil essay.  I would lose nothing for psych (except maybe quality) and only 2.4% of phil rather than 2.5% for psych if that were late.

Anyway blah blah blah, my new goal is to finish my philosophy essay ASAP.  The latest by Thursday, and the earliest achievable, by Wednesday early night.  That will give me around 6 days to complete my psych essay, including research (mother fucker) and writing.  Psych is so hard, but interesting.

I’m really thinking I might have to transfer.  But I don’t even think I can since my grades are so low.  I got a credit for my first essay, which was also late.  I might want to go to UTS to do fashion, or journalism, subjects which I can actually visualise myself getting a distinction or higher.  I can’t imagine that I’ll achieve that in my current course with these classes.

For this weeks tasks, I really just have to find peace with what I’ve decided, because it’s the best choice out of the ones I have remaining.  The best series of events is that I would have handed my phil in on time, and got on to my psych.  Or even better, done them weeks ago.  Somehow, I have to find peace, find peace with seeing those massive numbers make my grade go down a whole degree.  10 marks for psych is literally the difference between each grade.  If my work is only a pass, I am going to fail.  This means I have to at least make it a credit.  Or best case scenario for all my late works, to get an 87, and then down to 77, and get a distinction since I’ve had extra time.

Now that’s, wishful thinking.

How do I become a better student?  How?  The question is stupid, I should just work to become one, and figure out how at the end of the process…  Or maybe that’s the problem in a nutshell.  Maybe I’m always looking for the quickest and easiest way to do things and figure out what’s been done at the end.  I mean, I told myself during the HSC, meh, ATAR doesn’t matter, I’ll just do better in uni, and basically flunked out.  I can’t let this attitude rule my life.  I MUST CHANGE!  But all these things are just words, there is no action.  In fact, the action I’m doing right now is the complete opposite of what my words are saying.  I’m just tricking myself.  But I really need to vent these thoughts, these mundane thoughts that are stupid.  Or maybe that’s just another excuse to do what I’m not supposed to.

S.O.S.,
Just Another Woo Girl