The churning stomach…


What an emotional day.  It was the end of an era, the end of everything, The Office finale…  Oh how I cried.  But another post on that later.  I just checked my psychology essay results, and my internet has been running slow for the past few days, possibly because of all the windows and tabs I have open for online shopping.  Anyway, blackboard is always super slow on the turn it in thing, and whilst waiting for it to load, my stomach was actually churning.  I’m not sure that it’s ever churned before…  Unless churning is also what you call what your stomach does when you’re really hungry.  
In my tutorial on Wednesday my tutor was pretty…I’m pretty sure she hinted that we didn’t do very well, and that means, people failed.  I was sure I’d fail.  But then there’s also that tiny tiny part of me that hopes that maybe I am so naturally talented in some area and don’t even know it that I pass…  Well that feeling wasn’t that prominent this time.  And to kill the suspense, I failed.  Horribly.  Well I didn’t fail horribly, but I did fail.  My raw mark was a high pass, it makes me wish that I’d handed it in a week earlier and I would’ve at least passed the essay…but now I’ve failed.  I guess I can take this into account as, I’m not a complete failure, well my work isn’t.  But meh.
I think overall I was pretty prepared to see a whole lot of comments.  And I did.  To be honest I read the first three and couldn’t be bothered anymore.  It’s not even that they were making me feel sad, or bad about myself.  I just assume all the comments will be about similar mistakes, like I’ve stated facts that are actually wrong…  Not that I’m expecting any positive comments, but I doubt I’ll have any of those anyway.  An email went out a few days before saying that the tutors will mark hard?  Actually I don’t think it said hard, but they wouldn’t hold back from pointing out flaws, in order to improve.  And also that the essay isn’t a mark of your potential, or you as a person.  The fact that the coordinator or whoever stated that specifically was comforting to me and made me feel better.  But all in all, I think after writing all this, I feel sad.  I still haven’t started any of my two essays, and in an attempt to start later, I decided to check my results after remembering that they were released at noon.  
I don’t even know.  It makes me so sad that I have to do assignments.  Well essays.  I don’t even know…  I went to the bathroom and thought…  Arts is all academic, all about academic essays.  I was thinking of picking up film studies, but then I also realised that that too was about analysis and academic writing.  All the subjects are.  Then I thought about journalism, at UTS or at Usyd, and realised even though it’s not particularly academic, the writing is still supposed to be sophisticated…I don’t really know.  Then I thought about fashion, writing is important, but it’s not the major factor.  Should I be doing that?  I don’t know.  I imagined myself transferring to UTS…not sure how I feel about that.  The only thing I really love about Usyd is the campus, how it’s massive (even though walking is a con) it reminds me of going to uni in America or something.  UTS is literally one ugly and tall building, with ‘campuses’ separated by commercial blocks…  I love Usyd.  Some people say to me, they don’t actually love Usyd, but then others say they love it.  I was sitting in a lecture thinking, I wish all I had to do was listen and take notes, not have to write essays, not have to do exams.  My exams are in less than three weeks and I haven’t even handed in my last two assessments.  Life.
Not to mention tomorrow I have my second day of work.  I didn’t actually tell you how my first day was.  It was last Sunday and I worked five hours…  I work at my old tutoring place.  I don’t really know what I expected, I kind of thought I’d be teaching primary school students.  But tomorrow I have to assist a year twelve class, I don’t even know what to do.  To be honest, I mean I’ve always known and thought this, but I’m not that good at english…  Not good enough to teach other students.  And these students are only a year younger than me, in the position I was in not only a few months ago, and now I’m (sort of) entrusted with their future.  I’m supposed to mark essays and stuff.  I remember having tutors help me with mine, they gave me examples, what to put in my essay, things I need to expand on and points.  My tutor even gave me and my friend essays to mark one time, I literally had no suggestions and have no idea.  It’s because I’m not at all confident or opinionated about these things, I have no idea what the author is trying to say, or what they are saying.  So how can I possibly help others…  Not to mention again that the class splits into two, one on Hamlet and one on Yeats.  I don’t even know what the fuck Yeats is.  I think I have to research or read up on it before tomorrow.  And read up on techniques that I’ve forgotten…  One of the girls who I’m assisting said that I have to get used to teaching stuff I don’t know at this tutoring place.  This makes me sad.  I suck seriously.  I’m considering resigning because I literally don’t think I have what it takes to teach or even assist or even mark HSC essays…  I don’t know how I’m going to survive the two hours tomorrow, bullshitting my way through, pretending to be smart.  
I was watching BeautyCrush on youtube again today, of her behind the scenes of fashion shoots (link here).  It made me realise that I’ve got to learn to get used to this feeling because all my life it will be like this.  Sammi was helping with styling at the shoot with people I assume she’s never met.  Caught a plane alone to Ibiza to meet with people she’s never met.  Had to have lunch and make small talk with them.  Feeling like a newbie, which is what I feel like at work, and sometimes at uni.  I say sometimes at uni because I don’t feel like that all the time, but I am still a fresher and literally think it in my mind.  Yeah I don’t really know where I was going with this or if I’ve already made my point but whatever…
Oh watching the video also made me want to be a model (lol).  It just looks so fun!  Not that I’d ever be one.  It reminds me of being an actor or something because you have to audition all the time and you’ll get rejected and things like that…
Sigh, I’ve also run out the Tim Tams my mum bought…  So no more delicious Tim Tams with tea…  I don’t know if I told you but I finally found Yorkshire tea!  It was in Coles I think.  I was getting more tea after I’d run out of English Breakfast and saw it just sitting there!  Finally when I wasn’t looking for it, it appears!!  And then I wikipedia-ed it in store to see if it was the actual one, and it was!  So yorkshire tea is the brand, and it makes black tea, so there is no other Yorkshire tea.  That’s just what I’ve gathered…  Here’s the attractive picture I took.
Image
I actually think this picture is attractive, not sarcasm.  Well actually this is far too big, I can really see it all in it’s not so glorious form.  I think shopping would make me feel a lot better…  But there’s no time for that.  I really can’t fucking be bothered.  I can’t go now since all the stores will close/have closed.  I can’t go tomorrow since there’s not enough time before work.  I have to start my assignment tonight and also read up on Hamlet, Yeats and techniques.  That’s for tonight and tomorrow morning.  Then I have to work until two, and then probably walk around my local stores and see nothing worthy compared to the top shop pants I want.  Maybe I should just trek it out there tomorrow on a fucking Sunday to buy them if the weather is good…  Shops close early on Sunday as well…  I don’t know.  It’s really pissing me off that I can’t make the picture smaller.  It’s either me or wordpress, but either way it’s pissing me off.  Minus one to wordpress, fuck.  I woke up at like twelve today and realised it was sunny outside, opposed to the rainy weather report.  Annoyed…!!!!  I should’ve gone to the library but I thought it’d be raining and I don’t like going outside when the weather is that miserable.  Lugging around an umbrella is the worst.  I really need to buy a new umbrella, some sort of compact one, but not enough money to spare for that.  My mum is so annoying, I don’t ask her for money for things I want, like clothes and stuff, nor do I go shopping with her because every time I regret it.  Anyway, so one time she was like, just tell me what you want and I’ll give you money, and you concentrate on studying.  I think this was in reference to me not having a job before and not having any money because literally no one would hire unexperienced me.  I really wanted to work in Sportsgirl or General Pants or even Glue.  I think one person kept saying to me, General Pants is so exclusive, and I was thinking, I fucking know, but there’s no harm in still applying…!!  Yeah well my mum hasn’t really done anything to support what she’s said.  Plus she only says things like that when other people are around.  Meh.
Cya bitchez,
Just Another Woo Girl
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Pointless

So hello, I am so not in the mood for life.  I collected my philosophy essay today after my tutorial.  My tutor told our class that no one failed, so yay, I was happy to hear that.  Other than that, I got my essay back, and to be honest, I saw the mark and thought, meh.  I didn’t want to read the comments because I was with a friend, and was hungry and rather not be bummed out from the comments.  I mean, I scraped a pass with my ten mark loss, so the comments wouldn’t be praising.  I was already in the pass zone without the penalty, so you can probably guess how low I scored…
I love my tutor though, he’s so cool.  Such an awesome tutor.  If I compare him to my other two tutors, he is better infinitely…  I’m seriously rethinking taking philosophy next semester, I’m obviously shit.  In fact, I scored ‘poor’ on referencing and bibliography.  That’s not all that crucial to the content, but he also commented that I said that other academics said something that they actually didn’t…  Fml.  That’s pretty important.  And basically I suck at everything.  Although, he ended the comments with, good work!  I’m not sure how to take that.  I wonder what he says on HD essays, “Incredibly amazing young Einstein!”  Fml.  If he’s saying good work to make me feel better, then, I don’t know.  If he says it but actually means it in a mediocre way that is representative of my work, meaning he thinks my shit is actually good, then that’s sad for me.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.
Also the comments he left where quite vague, and I guess I’m not good at all with criticism even though I know my essay sucks.  I don’t even have the will or want to do my two late essays now.  This is the worst time of my life.  It was tough enough for me to do the philosophy and psychology essays, let alone anthropology and sociology essays that were due on the same day.  In fact, it will be a ten mark penalty by tomorrow.  If these were the first essays to do, I’d probably have a more optimistic outlook and pull an all nighter.
The thing is, I just can’t be fucked, but then I don’t want to fail.  If I attempt the essay I could scrape by with a pass.  But now, I don’t even know if I will since it’ll be so late.  I don’t want to live if living is like this.  What can I do?  I don’t mean this as, what can I do – do my essay.  I mean, what can I do – this course is not for me.  Or maybe these subjects are not for me.  
Will I go out this week?  I kind of just feel like chilling, and if it’s at night, chilling at a bar with live music and going home at like eleven or twelve…  Nothing really calls to me.  The last time I went clubbing was to Pontoon (an asian club) and basically, meh, that encapsulates the whole night.  I’m not sure whether it’s the club (highly likely and influential since, blurgh) or just that it’s not as fun as it was when I went out the first time.  Also, every time I go out, I would only go if I know how I’m getting home.  And now, even when people who live near me go out, they go home a different way with other people so it’s kind of a hopeless and stupid situation.  
Actually it’s weird.  I feel like everyone wants to go out clubbing but all I want to do is go shopping and chill.  It’s like a complete turn around from last holidays…  Life.  But I don’t have any money.  I had a lot of money last holidays.  Meh.  I wonder why I feel so down, is it because I’m going to get my period soon?  Is it because I’m failing uni?  Is it because I have no money which is stopping me from fulfilling my material wishes?  To be honest, if I had a lot, I mean even more than what I had last holidays, I would be able to go out and just get a cab home, but I can’t.
So what I learnt today in psych is to live in the present.  It’s kind of a generic motto.  But the real question is how do you live in the present?  What I’m doing now, writing in my blog, doesn’t seem that fulfilling or amazing, it’s not propelling myself into some sort of awesome future.  
Actually I read this really creepy and distressing story on reddit, I’ll link it here.  It could also be a reason why my mood is not lifted… (Click to read the scary story).  It really is an intense story, gets you right in the thick of it all…
And fuck, I forgot to do my weekly psychology quiz.  Fuck my life.  I’d set an alarm for Sunday afternoons, and I always do it, but I saw the alarm, and forgot about it…
Arts…  What a waste.  Unless you are amazing at one field, it’s so pointless.  My life is pointless…  My studies are pointless…  I don’t think I have clinical depression but I read somewhere people who sleep a lot could be depressed…  
And as I sit here typing feeling sorry for myself, I could start on my sociology essay.  I’m really going to fail.  I really, truly, am.  I will.  I can’t even hold an optimistic view…  My hair gets so greasy to quickly now.  I’m pretty sure I washed it yesterday and now it feels a bit oily.  Maybe it’s because I sprayed it with hairspray…  Putting on some Jedward to make me feel better.
Oh I love listening to Lana Del Rey when I’m walking or going places, it makes me feel like I’m in a movie or something, soundtrack to my life!  Fun.
Life,
Just Another Woo Girl

Pity party raise the roof

So not to sound completely self-pitying and probably not at all self-loathing, but I seriously suck turd.  Wow, saying the word turd in my head made me feel a lot better.  And saying word and turd together makes me feel even more better because they rhyme!  Maybe I should take a break and watch some Spongebob.  I’ve never been a religious Spongebob fan, I mean, I probably only watched it sometimes when it was on Saturday Disney.  It’s weird how Saturday Disney was the Australian branch of Disney.  I seriously love Disney and still would have loved to be a Disney kid. In fact yesterday, instead of doing my essay (…), I was watching clips of the Mickey Mouse Club.  Seriously though, Justin was the biggest cutie ever showing us around his hometown Memphis!  And Britney, holy moly was she so cute and adorable!  So pretty too!!  After she showed us how to eat crawfish I had a dream about eating them, looks so yum!  And one of the older, unsuccessful Mouseketeers was saying how Britney was hot at eleven years old.  She actually was…  They were all so talented!
Anyway, so I failed.  Well I predict I will fail.  I missed the second deadline, so now I’m on negative twenty marks.  This is detrimental.  It weighs on my soul.  After the HSC had finished, I literally felt to light and free, not a care in the world.  So much more happy, like I had been when I was like twelve, so less cynical.  I even wrote a blog post about it!  I mean, I thought I might have changed for the sadder, but I had regained power!  Anyway, now I feel like shit again.  Everything is so out of hand!  One thing led to another, and now everything I’ve had to hand in so far has been late.  When I think about it, my first referencing tutorial participation assignment was late as well!  I had to run to class, arrived half an hour late because fuck you Fisher Library staff.
So yes, I think I’m looking at getting around maybe thirty to forty percent for this psychology essay, including deducted marks.  And that’s if I’m lucky.  I mean, if I’m really unrealistic and ignorant, I would just say, I’ll get full marks, and end up with a distinction.  But get real, me, you will never get full marks.  That’s not even a harsh statement (lol), I’m pretty sure full marks is a rarity.  I mean on actually important assessments.  Or maybe it is actually just me.  Anyway, my average has been seventy, so…  I’m looking at getting a pass, or fail.  Sigh pie.
I actually really want to buy some study drugs.  Not sure what they’re called yet, but that can easily be googled.  But then again, I have no income, so, yeah.  I can’t even buy drugs.  I’ve wondered recently whether my dad might condone my use of drugs if it were to help my studies.  But realistically, he wouldn’t.  He would say, you have to work hard.  And I must!  I wonder what extents it would take me to actually learn…  Meh.  Life is life.  Wait, don’t be complacent!  Well, I’m actually just thirsty.
I actually feel drunk.  I slept for five hours last night and still didn’t finish the essay, and it’s only a thousand words!!  Why, why?!?!  Yeah, I saw an ad on television that said if you’re awake for more than seventeen hours a day, basically, you’re drunk (lol).  So I’ve been trying to function and write an essay drunk.  I wonder how many mistakes there are in this blog post…  Should I not proof read it so you can count?  Nah, that just disrupts the flow.  Or maybe I will, as in I won’t proof read, I’ll decide late and let you know in the p.s.  Now I’m thinking I mightn’t even remember to put that in.  Oh fucking well.
I missed uni today, well skipped.  So I think-oh my fucking god, I’ve actually skipped all my tutes this week and didn’t even fucking finish the essay!!  THIS LIFE IS HOPELESS!!!  But I will say, I did miss the first one by accident…  Well, I’ll try to make it up tomorrow by going to all my lectures!  I want to go to this interfaculty pub crawl, I mean it sounds fun, but it’s such a hassle thinking of how I’m going to get home, so I don’t think I’ll go…  I’m so tired/drunk I’m just going to do what I don’t want to (insert sad face).  That was it.  That was what I didn’t want to do.
Oh life oh life oh life.  Am I Squidworth?  Is that even how you spell his name?  I can’t be bothered to even google it.  Google…  I just want to lie on top of a cloud and be done with the world.  I mean, I’d say uni, but then it kind of leaves my life pointless.  I mean, dragging my lardy body around all day, eating, not even delicious eating, just junk or healthy shit around the house.  Mehhhhhhhhhh.
I watched The Wanted’s new music video, it made me like the song more, especially the end where they’re singing the chorus with the…oh my god I don’t even remember what the thing that’s different from the chorus and verse is called!  I’m getting dumber every moment I’m alive!!  Or every moment I’m on the internet!!  Is venting making me less intellectual?!  Wow I seriously don’t remember.  Anyway, the boom boom part.  So I was thinking I’d write a ‘review’ of my fangirling of it, but then, yes, I realised I’m so not in that mood.  All the feels would be underscored if not overpowered by cynical, blurgh-ness.  Eugh.  Eugggghhhhhh.
Also, a note on Selena Gomez’s new music video, amazing cinematography.  The scenes were so incredibly beautiful and she herself was amazing and gorgeous.  What would’ve made the video more interesting and a thousand times better is if there was an actual story line, and maybe seeing the guys face…
I’m outta hurrrr,
Just Another Woo Girl
P.s.  I will proof read.  Also, I’m gonna take a break and try and cheer up with some SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS!  Every time I laugh when I’m watching funny shows by myself I keep thinking of this thing I read which said: lonely people laugh a lot at things that aren’t that funny.  But I think it’s funny…but what if it isn’t that funny and I’m really just a loner?  (Lol).  So foonzay.
P.p.s.  Whilst proof reading I realised, it’s called the bridge!!!  THERE’S STILL HOPE FOR ME YET!!

Yesterday I was so mindfucked

Yesterday I was so mindfucked.  As always, I set my alarm super early the night before in hopes that I’ll wake up at seven o’clock and embark on a vigorous study journey before uni.  And as always, I snooze the alarm every half an hour, and if I’m diligent, every ten minutes.  Pretty much, I’m depriving myself of actual REM sleep by letting my alarm attempt to wake me up every half an hour instead of actually sleeping.  Plus, once the first alarm as woken me up I tend to be half awake whilst sleeping anyway, thinking of the latest time possible I can wake up.
So yesterday I start uni at one in the afternoon.  It’s a tutorial so I have to go.  I know I have to go.  And I want to go because I have to.  So I’m thinking to myself, I’ll wake up at eleven, give myself an hour to get ready and an hour to get to uni.  Pleased with myself, I drag my lazy ass body out of bed at around eleven twenty, there’s still major time, I think to myself.  Blah blah blah I miss the train, so I’m power walking, now, really actually power walking to the next train station.  I’ve made it in time, and even bought my weekly ticket in less than a minute!  I’m quite happy with myself.
I walk to uni, and I need to pee, I look at my watch, there’s still ten minutes till class starts, perfect.  I go to the toilet and am about to cross city road when I look at my watch.  It’s two pm.  It’s two pm?!?!?!  What the fuck?!  My tute starts at one!  I check my phone, it’s two pm!!  I feel like, what the fuck is happening?!  I come all the way to uni to go to this one boring ass tute and I’ve completely missed it?!?!  I was so sure I was going to be on time, from the moment I woke up!  I didn’t miss the train, in fact, I was faster than I have ever been from home to uni!  I want to ask someone what the time is, but I don’t; too weird.  So I call my friend, she doesn’t pick up.  How nice.  So I walk towards the building my tute is in, hoping that maybe my time is wrong and that everyone is waiting outside the classroom waiting to go in.  But no, as I’m walking, I see my friend whose also in my tute.  What the fuck?!  She’s leaving!!  Sigh pie.  I literally didn’t even know what happened.  I was so completely clueless, it was just like, why, why did this even happen.
She tells me that the tutor said this is the second tute that I’ve missed.  I don’t particularly remember the first one…  Anyway, what a waste.  I had and still have that psychology assignment to do, I still haven’t started writing it properly and it’s due tomorrow at four!  Well actually it was due last week at four, but I have to get it in tomorrow!  Oh my god!!  Tomorrow is today!!!!!  Far out.
Anyway, I was thinking about this the whole of yesterday, how on earth did I miss the tute?  Did I read my analogue clock wrong?  Was the clock downstairs wrong?  Were the clocks off all together.  Then I finally realised, it was because I am stupid.  I mis-calculated the times, and thought I had to be at uni by two instead of one.  Basically, I was still at home when the tutorial had already started.
Fml,
Just Another Woo Girl

Sleepy is cute but it’s not tired

I was just procrastinating and reading through some of my old blog posts from September last year, one specifically entitled, Dermatology win!  To be honest, I did win, but I didn’t even do anything about it.  My dad gave me a referral letter and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost it.  I mean, this was at least six months ago, and I’ve changed my room around, and everything’s different.  I really do wonder where I put that letter…  I bet I put it in my skinny bookshelf when I got it, like behind some books because I had a habit of slotting all the school, board of studies, and uni letters there.  It’s normal, I think, I mean, I don’t even get that many letters so where the hell would I put them?  I should probably start researching a way to keep my letters in check, seeing as I’m finally growing up!  I don’t know if I’ve let the bloggosphere know, but I applied for my own debit card a few months back.  It was pretty invigorating…  That’s not the right word, but you get the gist.  

Also, blogger, I’ve made other accounts on tumblr and wordpress:
justanotherwoogirlblog.tumblr.com
justanotherwoogirl.wordpress.com

I’m still not sure which out of the three I like best.  I love how wordpress has prettier themes, uses categories, and widgets, but then you have to pay for actual customisable themes.  And I’m so broke right now, I have no money in my bank.  But yay!  My old english tutor offered me a job as his assistant, so I’ll see how that goes, I’m excited!  I like tumblr because I think it’s more accessible, but then maybe my blog-style isn’t suited to it.  I like the themes on tumblr too, they’re alright.  Blogger is just ugly, or really boring and generic, also it doesn’t have categories, widgets, it’s probably harder to use, and a con for me is that it’s so simplistic.  But I love the stats page, it’s so easy.

Meh.  I have a psych essay to write for Wednesday.  It was due last Wednesday.  Fuck my life.  I feel so, meh all the time.  I’ll try to source references and articles tonight and read them tomorrow morning.  I’ll only have less that 24 hours including procrastination time to finish it.  And I absolutely have to finish it, I can’t lose another ten marks on top of my current negative ten.  It makes me sad.  I feel so stupid saying that, “I’m sad.”  Lol.  I can’t believe I’ve been “lol-ing” on my blog, I never wanted to.  I should probably just stop and try expressing myself better like I used to.  I want to say it again.

I’m tired.  I read a tumblr post that was like, “sleepy is such a cute word, why don’t we just always say sleepy instead of tired?!”  (I thought sleepy was so cute before this post, I’m not hipster).  And then someone’s like “I’m fucking sleepy of your shit.”  And that was so funny.  I laughed so tiredly.  The reason we don’t say sleepy instead of tired is because there’s actually a fucking difference.  I don’t mean to call the person who posted it a douche bag because sleepy is actually a cute word, but it is no replacement for tired.  Sleepy is associated with happiness, like you’re so sleepy from having an amazing but relentless day.  Tired is bad, it sucks, I associate it with being in the state I’m in now.  Tired from doing shit that wasn’t all that enjoyable, or specifically to my case, tired from doing jack shit.  Tired from sitting on the computer half-assedly attempting to do an essay.  Tired because I’m to pussy to try and figure out what I’m supposed to do because it’s just too hard.  Hard.  Hard.  Tired…

1:15am.  I thought to myself, try and think of it as due tomorrow morning.  But then I continued to write this post.  So it didn’t work.  After this post, I’ll close all these bullshit procrastination windows and try and fucking use PsychINFO.  Seriously, the fuck.  PsychINFO is so hard to use, if everyone is such a genius why don’t they make it a user-friendly interface, fucking hell.  I’m so tired.  PsychINFO, fuck you.  I love Google Scholar, it was so easy.  I took it for granted, fuck you PsychINFO, just, fuck you.  Fuck yourself.  

Life, 
Just Another Woo Girl