I was scrolling through my facebook timeline, having a few laughs with myself… I used to post a status everyday, more than one and mostly about Glee, Nick Jonas, food or being bored. The comments I used to reply sound so dry when I read back on them, even though at the time I was so happy with everything in general, must’ve been my cool, laid back, “idgaf” facebook persona.
But mostly, aside from cheesy lines and some really weird sexual posts, I’m sad that 19 year old me hasn’t achieved anything that 14 year old me once dreamed of. I posted about wanting to go to Juilliard and going on a gap year to Italy. All those things of which didn’t even cross my mind in year twelve. I mean it occurred to me I could go on a gap year only because some friends were going on a gap year of their own, but to me, it wasn’t a real option. And even though this year I want to travel, it seems like Italy hasn’t even crossed my mind as an actual possibility. Before I would’ve gone there, just to Italy, stayed and lived there for a few months and just probably gone back home to Sydney, with a possible spontaneous road trip to the next country. But now, I feel like I wouldn’t even travel to Italy by itself, I would have to travel all or at least one side of Europe in one go, and that’s only due to money. But I feel as though, why should money be the reason that I don’t travel to a single place, at this moment in my life? Is it because I’ve grown up and realised money is essential to actually doing things, for life? Or is it because I’ve lost the thrill and the dream of travelling for the pure pleasure and new experiences? Well, I feel that maybe now that I’m five years the wiser (what a long time that is…) I’ve realised that there are restrictions to what I can do. But then I tell myself, and people say, the only things restricting you are the restrictions you place on yourself. So if I think of it that way, I can do anything that I want. In respects to travelling, I guess it’s just a balance between the need for money and the seeking of thrills and experiences.
I just keep thinking of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Blake Lively went to Italy, right? Some European country I think it was anyway. And for a few months? Seems amazing.
But onto Juilliard. Obviously I would never go there, I couldn’t. I mean, even if I tried for the rest of my life, I doubt I’d make it in. It doesn’t really appeal to me anymore in that sense. But is that because subconsciously I’ve set it aside because I think it’s far too out of my league anyway? Or is it because that career and the passion for singing isn’t with me anymore? I love singing, is it a passion? I don’t think I’m good enough to make anything of it anyway, yet I often think about living the life of a popstar, what kind of tolls it would have on me as a person, travelling non-stop for almost a year touring, not seeing friends and family. Right now I’m studying Arts, and let’s not turn this into another existential crisis about my university course, but obviously it’s not something I want to do or pursue the rest of my life. And I say pursue, because every career is an endless pursuit, you can always better yourself, learn more, and I feel as though anything or any career that has a distinct ending point is pointless. I mean, I define a career as a job that is your passion, and a career is something where you always have more to achieve. But don’t think of it in a negative light where you’ll never finish, because if it’s your passion you never even want it to finish. You don’t look at is as an infinite number of stages where you’ll never be the best, but you should look at your career as things you have achieved already to get to where you are, and where you are is your best, it’s the best you can be at the point in time, and rather it should excite you that you haven’t reached the end. Because once you’ve reached the end, you’ve reached the end of your passion, and if it’s your passion, probably the end to any meaning to your life (in that respect, of course you should also have actual people relationships…derp).
Anyway, so what I mean is that, my life right now, it seems all a bit purposeless. High school is fine, everyone has a purpose, it’s to discover who you are, what you love, what you want to be, and all that. But university, or whatever it is that you decide to pursue after your usual obligatory years in high school, is supposed to be all the more meaningful, the start of a new era in your life where you can discover yourself surrounded by your passions and the people you actually care about, the time where you really start to grow and learn. To be honest, I feel like the same person. Actually, sorry, no I don’t, that just sounded more dramatic. I mean, I feel different than before, but yet I still feel the same. Let me think about how so… I’m not all too sure. For one, like I said before, I don’t know what my passions are. But are passions just hobbies that you’ve grown to love and are dedicated to? Is music my passion? Is singing my passion? Is fashion my passion? (Lol). Is makeup my passion? Those are the only things I really like to do for the sake of only that it’s fun and I think I’m pretty awesome. But I’m can’t sing that high, or that uniquely. I don’t follow avidly any fashion blogs at all, and I’m not up to date with high end fashion. And I don’t see how makeup can take me on a never-ending life journey… Well actually it could, I always imagined it to be like being a celebrity makeup artist, travelling the world with them. But what would I do when I don’t want to travel around constantly anymore? Will I become a glorified sales assistant? Will I start my own makeup school? Makeup brand? And also I’ll have to defer or be a college drop out to become a makeup artist. But this is all silly. I shouldn’t limit myself. Why do I have all these doubts. I should try to be a free thinker. I will become a free thinker and do what it is I want to do.
Yeah I was going to say something else but I’ve forgotten. Now that I’ve not even been working I have realised what the lives of the unemployed is truly like. I mean, I thought I’d experienced it before, but now, I really have. Last time, I was just going out, having fun. But this last week, I’ve literally been sitting on my ass all day. Not even that, lying in bed watching random shit on the internet and scrolling endlessly through newsfeeds. I’ve feel as though I’ve gotten lazier and lazier now that I have no structure to my life. And now I can understand the vicious cycle of unemployment and the real will that they all lack to find a job. I have a resume, yet I haven’t applied anywhere properly yet. I am the worst. But I can be better. I’m still deciding whether I want to work retail, hospitality, or the truly mundane, call centre things. To be honest, I’d work any if it was high paying (except maybe hospitality, that might be do much physical endurance for me, although it probably has weight loss benefits). I think I’d most prefer to work high end retail, it’s a higher pay, better work environments, though there’s also much more client care and commitment, which I don’t mind, and probably enjoy. Call centres and such will probably be much too boring for me, not enough human contact, plus, weird hours.
Oh yes, what I was going to say is that maybe I want to be a psychiatrist, which is linked to my current studies in psychology. I thought maybe it would be good because you have ongoing relationships with your patients, you get to know them, so you can understand them and truly help them. You’re helping people in a meaningful way. But I’m not sure whether I want to because I just finished watched the first season of My Mad Fat Diary. It’s really good by the way, a British series. I found out about it on tumblr, and I was like what the hell, I so want to watch this. It’s about this fat girl who basically ends up with the hottest guy in school, so basically, I can relate and can fantasise about this minute possibility. Also the guy, Finn, is gorgeous and so cute. Classic bad boy, with a good heart and is really sweet and actually really kind. Yeah, so when I saw all these GIFs of it, I was like, huh, these names sound so familiar, and the characters as well. It looks like this book I bought and read ages ago. AND IT WAS!!! It’s the adapted version of My Mad Fat Teenage Diary which I read in maybe year seven. I loved that book. I can’t tell if it was actually great or just a good teen drama. I think it was the latter. But seriously, watch the whole first season, it’s only six episodes. At first I was a bit like, this is alright… But you get to know the characters, it’s a bit like Misfits in the cinematography. Finn is sexy as fuck. I cried so much in the last few episodes, that’s how good it is. Love it.
Anyway, I’m getting two of my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. I haven’t been dreading it much. But that’s probably because I’m too stupid to actually imagine and comprehend the read pain I will be in tomorrow. Stop it, me, I’d rather be half oblivious than wretchedly scared. Okay fuck, I think I’m getting that TSI or whatever hand thing from typing too much, I really hope I don’t get arthritis in my fingers when I’m older.
I’m going to watch the Lilo and Stitch films now.
Just Another Woo Girl