Holy crap I have nothing to offer

“The group project is to encourage the ability to work collaboratively and effectively in groups; to manage conflicts appropriately and ethically; and to pool knowledge and abilities to produce a superior report of research and analysis, including a critique of published research.”

Holy crap I have nothing to offer.

Take deep breathes, stay calm, you can do it.  I’m sitting here at my desk, for the first time in the whole holidays writing a pros and cons list of why and why not I should take a second major in psychology.  There are so many opinions running through my head that make me just want to break down and have a good cry.  I just really need to figure out what it is that I want to do this year.

Well I want to get good grades and transfer, but also discover and learn new things that may open my mind to new possibilities (this is important because I still don’t know what I want to transfer into).  I hope writing out some thoughts that don’t fit into my pros and cons list is productive, I’ll just say it is because otherwise I will surely have an anxiety attack.

I’m just confused.  And I can’t even categorise it into what I’m confused about, that’s how confused I am.  Am I confused about myself?  My passions?  My abilities?  What I like?  Sometimes people say, you can do anything.  But then on the other hand, people will say to me, you’re doing arts, you can’t do science, good luck with statistics next semester, and laugh.  The thing is, can I do different things?  People say you can, try new things all the time, at least give it go.  I’ve given it a go, psychology and statistics, I did it last semester.  But did I really give it a good try?  Because I didn’t study the entire year, why did I not study?  I tried to in the beginning, and then just conked out.  Does this mean university isn’t for me?  I used to think I was smart, at least pretty smart and not an idiot, but now I’m beginning to think that I’m actually stupid.  I mean, even if I was a bit smart before in high school, I feel like I’ve completely lost any sort of academic intelligence.  Do I just need to ‘retrain’ myself?  Or am I just stuck being stupid.  But I don’t believe that anyone is ever stuck.  When people ask me for advice I always know what to do (well generally).  But sometimes I wonder, do they want to know what I would do.  I give advice, in a way where it’s kind of the epitome of ‘goodness,’ and I’ll usually add in what I would do personally in that situation.  Giving advice is hard because the person who actually needs it is the only one who can really know what is best for them.  But when I give advice to myself I always back hand the ‘good’ advice with something less encourage-able, a more dire outlook on life.

So maybe I should try and give advice to myself as I would give to others in my situation.  So me as my outer self is giving me as my inner self advice: Should I study psychology?  It’s really hard, it has statistics, and I’ve always almost prided myself to be a non-maths and non-science person even though I used to love science when I was little.  Science has always interested me, but I was never much good at it, I’d always prefer studying for music or doing practicals in textiles, drawing, or even learning languages or thinking deeply about concepts in english.  I guess now I see that those are the things I love, but I’m not doing any of those things anymore which to be true to myself, is really quite sad.  The most I do is sing in the shower, play the piano when no ones home, and the last time I did anything to do with textiles was alter my birthday dress (which I had great fun doing) and cutting tops into crop tops.  Though I think languages weren’t really my forte since I didn’t pick it up as an elective, even though I was acing French like a boss, still can’t hold on to a French accent though, or any, maybe with practice.  This will also seem like a petty reason, which it is, it’s that continuing with psychology will mean I have to deal with a clashing lecture.  I’ll probably have to listen to the stats lecture online, which I’m not sure, it could be detrimental to my learning.  For PSYC2011 we have an in-tutorial quiz every few weeks, I’m scared.  Reading the course outline makes me scared.  There’s a group assignment and I’m so scared I’ll let my class mates down, I really sucked last year, and I’m scared even if I try really hard I won’t be able to it.  I wonder if I try to pretend to be positive I will end up being positive, and succeeding.  Or on the other hand I will fail miserably and probably fall into some sort of deep depression.  Writing this is making me so sad.  Should I try and give myself advice now?  Get ready for some pump up talk (this is going to get weird I can feel it already).

Dear self, I know you’re having troubles right now, believing in yourself, but you can do it if you put your mind to it.  You can achieve anything.  You’ve got your entire life and you’re only nineteen, you can’t give up now because what will happen for the rest of your life?  You can’t be complacent.  Nothing is easy.  And everything that is easy gets harder, but that’s what makes it worth while, makes life worth living.  Pursue your short term goals and they’ll evolve into long term goals, into your career, into your passion, and into your life. Do what makes you happy.  If you don’t know what makes you happy, then try new things, how about you try actually trying this year.  Don’t give up.  If you’ve fallen behind, don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything, study, get back on track, and maybe reward yourself.  It doesn’t matter if your timetable is difficult right now, you have to do what you have to do.  I think you should do psychology and listen to stats online, it’ll give you time to process what they’re saying, pause and listen, take notes, especially if it’s hard.  You just have to make sure you listen every week.  Set some classes on Tuesday and go to uni, and listen to the lecture afterwards.  Doesn’t matter if you’re tired, you’re always tired because you’re a bit of a major lazy shit.  It’s time to get up early and just go.  You used to get up at 7:15am for high school, what makes university different?  Get up, get ready, go to uni, or take your time and have a proper breakfast, meet up with people before you head off, if you’re at uni early go to the library and revise your readings, don’t be late to class.  It doesn’t matter if you only have class for a tiny bit in the morning on Tuesdays and it’s your only class and you have to go because it’s a tutorial, you will study afterwards.  It doesn’t matter that you’ll have one less day to work, and one less day to make money for an overseas trip because uni is more important, it’s how you’ll make money in the future, and real career professional money, not retail base rate teenager pay.  If you study hard and properly you won’t let your class mates down.  Just try your best, that’s all you can do.  Uni is a full time job, five days a week, you’ll have a work shift now and then but don’t let that make you tired and think, no studying for today.  Study everyday, everyday of your fucking life.  Do what needs to be done, do more than needs to be done.  Study at least six hours a day.  You need to study otherwise you’ll fail like last year.  You are smart.  And you can do it.  If you work hard you can achieve anything.  You aren’t born smart, you’re made smart, you can make yourself smart.  (Okay that just sounded a bit derp but whatever).  YOU CAN DO IT.

Sigh.  I feel slightly better and bit lame.  Anyway, I think I’ll do what I told myself to do, because I know that’s what’s best.  Let me learn my lesson by saying that I could’ve been having the time of my life studying Fashion at UTS right now, but because I was stupid, and even though I knew what I should’ve done, I made the wrong decision and now I’m here doing Arts.  Arts is cool, just not for me.  Even though UTS is ugly and stupid, it was better and I should’ve put that as my first choice.  I am an idiot for putting Arts first when the ATAR was so fucking low.  But at least I’m trying to do something, to change it, to be better.  Back to thinking, I will fix my timetable, apply for jobs, find someone to swap shifts with me, and organise my shelves, make a list of stationary to buy, and hopefully buy that tomorrow.

Also I’m having major hair issues and food craving issues I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Stay strong, me.

Ty,
Just Another Woo Girl

Advertisements

Today I saw my future self

Today, in fact I think even maybe this very second as I sit on the train defeated, I’ve seen my future self. I mean maybe face wise. It’s not good. My face has deteriorated and can no longer hold itself up. My eyes are puffy. I don’t want to get old. More specifically, old and ugly. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with getting old. Of course except that I’d rather be young forever. But I think we can all agree that me and my features will not withstand the test of time. And as they all say, Asians deteriorate at an increasingly steep rate all of a sudden. There are heaps of attractive old, and by old I mean grannies, out there whose features still seem to peer through the wrinkles and sagginess. I, however, have a dire future ahead of me. Oh my god. Seriously, I don’t think I want to live if everyday I have to see myself with wrinkles and slowly watch my youth seep slowly from my being. As if everyday I were to wake up and know that another little particle of myself is gone forever.

Obviously this is a rather extreme and superficial outlook on life. But let me be clear, this is only how I see life in the far future from this very moment. It’s almost impossible that I will keep this perspective as I continue to mature and grow, my mind that is.

Why can’t I have it all? I watched some interviews of Aaron Johnson on YouTube and wow has he aged. But he’s still young, he’s supposed to be around 22 or something. But he’s got all crows feet around his eyes. And yes, crows feet are from smiling a lot but, how? Is his wife sucking the youth out of him? Ah yes, that is quite cruel of me and I can try and suppress these superficial thoughts but no matter what, I think it anyway which means there’s no point trying to hide it from everyone. The only reason you would hide thoughts like these is to prevent people from thinking badly about you, that’s self preservation and image issues. But then that can decay your relationships so really, I should keep things like that to myself. But in my defence, everyone is thinking it and they said it about Britney Spears and Madonna…so yeah.

Also the lady who I thought could be my future self was chomping down on a sushi in a single bite. I don’t do this but…I probably would if I was by myself. It’s like how I don’t eat my pork roll unless I’m by myself or with people who I don’t care what they think. That didn’t really make sense but my brain is hurting right now…

It was also awkwardly hot today. It’s winter now and I’m wearing a long sleeve chiffon shirt with a short sleeved sweater over with my anorak. I stepped out of the door today and immediately it was hot. But I didn’t have time to go back and was half an hour late to my lecture anyway…. I don’t even know. I can’t even deal with this sociology essay even though it’s a substitute. This is bad. I really can’t find any good articles. Not even good-but relevant articles!!!!!!!!

I’m tired.

Bye,
Just Another Woo Girl

A substantial crisis

So for the past few days I’ve had somewhat of a substantial crisis.  Some of you may agree, and some of you may not.  Meh.  Anyway, so I’ve had these two essays due for sociology and anthropology.  Both of which, were due on the same day, I think exactly two weeks ago! And basically, the protocol for late assessments (well my understanding) is that you can only hand them in with the normal penalty, before the date they’re handed back to everyone else. I think I’m actually so stupid, or so weary over study things right now…  But anyway, a few nights ago I was thinking to myself, holy shit, it’s actually been almost two weeks now and that means minus twenty marks for me!

And knowing this, it’s pretty draining.  By this time, I find it impossible for me to actually achieve a pass, which means I will fail.  Psychology is an example of this.  But if I look at my anthropology assignment one, I got a high credit, so I could possible still have a chance of passing that unit.  But whatever.

Anyway, last night I checked my uni email and there was one from my lecturer.  It basically stated some facts about the course, upcoming things like exams.  But one in particularly, became the bane of my existence.  The sociology essay was being handed back on Thursday.  You know what that means.  I quote, the “hard deadline” is tomorrow.  Which in present terms, is today.  I was like holy shit, my life.

To be honest at that point, I didn’t realise the extremity of my position and what actual implications it meant for my future.  But after deliberating with my friends at 4:30pm today, 5.5 hours before it was due, I realised it meant I would automatically fail the unit, if I didn’t hand it in.  Which means I’d either have to take five units in a semester which is 16 hours for me, or do an extra year/semester.  No way.  So the email from my lecturer said, so nicely, “If you don’t think you can meet the deadline, email me and we can discuss a solution.”  Even though it was a gentle and kind leeway, I was still afraid to email him.

I mean, I see my lecturer as a distant figure, a tiny person at the bottom of the hall, chattering away.  Kind of like a celebrity.  I don’t talk to them.  Even when they look at you, how can you know if they’re looking at you.  You don’t smile at them when they look at you in a lecture, you just continue to listen intently and maybe stare back at them.  I find the relationship to be much like a famous musician at a concert, and I, a tiny speck in the crowd.  A tutor is more relatable and approachable.  I mean, for sociology, my lecturer has this thing after a lecture where he shouts students coffees a Taste.  I’ve never gone.  Don’t really plan on going.  But kind of sad that I’ve never gone, seeing as I don’t plan on doing sociology next semester.

You know what, I was so set on doing psychology into senior years, even though I flunked out and it was really hard, I still found it so interesting.  But now I find out you have to do some entire big thing on statistics, and maybe neuroscience.  This could be the death of me! I know if I put the time and effort in, I can do it, but…  No!  I can’t think like that!  Next semester, it’s all in, all brains!  Your brain is a muscle and it needs to be trained, otherwise it turns to moosh!!  True stuff.

Back to the essay.  Anyway, I ended up emailing him with the help of my friends guiding me with what to say.  And he replied to me saying that I can do a substitute assignment, even though it’s completely different.  Fine with me!!  So yeah, pretty ecstatic!

I think the whole point of this post was to say, that this was really and extremely bad, I thought I’d have ages to do the essay before the hard deadline, but turns out I didn’t.  I was even more fucked than I have ever been.  More fucked that handing in an assignment so late the penalty marks end up failing it.  I mean, this would have meant I’d automatically fail the entire course.  So I’m glad.

Except now, I was kind of really chirpy when I was starting this post.  But now I realise, I can’t be.  This is only the beginning.  I’ve still got to do my entire anth essay before Monday morning.  I’ve got two things on this weekend so I’ve got to work hard.

Another thing.  I was planning to go to both my tutes today (since I had a presentation in one and missed my limit for the other) and then going home straight after to finish the essay and hand it in before 10pm.  But I got a text from my friend asking me if I was going to my lecture.  How convenient.  I hadn’t decided yet, but that made my decision all the more easy.  No I wasn’t.  So I hung out with her, and my other friend came from the lecture we were supposed to be in.  She also does sociology, and she was the one who said, I have to email him!  So if I hadn’t decided to be a bad student and not go home and do the essay, I wouldn’t of had an important discussion with my friend that would have allowed me to not fail the unit! I mean realistically, I highly doubt I would’ve been able to finish a really crappy essay anyway.  So what’s the moral of this story?  What is the lesson?  It seems that being bad has rewarded me…  (Oooo philosophical).

Anyway, I should do my anth essay now.  I’m actually at my local library right now!  Haven’t been here since the HSC.  It’s kind of weird.  So many HSC students, I feel out of place.  Wish I had my anth reader with me…  I’ll figure something out.  Or I’ll do my SONA stuff.  I signed up for some study about medicine, it’s online, it’s 2 hours long and fucking the most boring shit ever…  So I guess I’ll do more of that.

Out sistas,
Just Another Woo Girl

The churning stomach…

What an emotional day.  It was the end of an era, the end of everything, The Office finale…  Oh how I cried.  But another post on that later.  I just checked my psychology essay results, and my internet has been running slow for the past few days, possibly because of all the windows and tabs I have open for online shopping.  Anyway, blackboard is always super slow on the turn it in thing, and whilst waiting for it to load, my stomach was actually churning.  I’m not sure that it’s ever churned before…  Unless churning is also what you call what your stomach does when you’re really hungry.

In my tutorial on Wednesday my tutor was pretty…I’m pretty sure she hinted that we didn’t do very well, and that means, people failed.  I was sure I’d fail.  But then there’s also that tiny tiny part of me that hopes that maybe I am so naturally talented in some area and don’t even know it that I pass…  Well that feeling wasn’t that prominent this time.  And to kill the suspense, I failed.  Horribly.  Well I didn’t fail horribly, but I did fail.  My raw mark was a high pass, it makes me wish that I’d handed it in a week earlier and I would’ve at least passed the essay…but now I’ve failed.  I guess I can take this into account as, I’m not a complete failure, well my work isn’t.  But meh.

I think overall I was pretty prepared to see a whole lot of comments.  And I did.  To be honest I read the first three and couldn’t be bothered anymore.  It’s not even that they were making me feel sad, or bad about myself.  I just assume all the comments will be about similar mistakes, like I’ve stated facts that are actually wrong…  Not that I’m expecting any positive comments, but I doubt I’ll have any of those anyway.  An email went out a few days before saying that the tutors will mark hard?  Actually I don’t think it said hard, but they wouldn’t hold back from pointing out flaws, in order to improve.  And also that the essay isn’t a mark of your potential, or you as a person.  The fact that the coordinator or whoever stated that specifically was comforting to me and made me feel better.  But all in all, I think after writing all this, I feel sad.  I still haven’t started any of my two essays, and in an attempt to start later, I decided to check my results after remembering that they were released at noon.

I don’t even know.  It makes me so sad that I have to do assignments.  Well essays.  I don’t even know…  I went to the bathroom and thought…  Arts is all academic, all about academic essays.  I was thinking of picking up film studies, but then I also realised that that too was about analysis and academic writing.  All the subjects are.  Then I thought about journalism, at UTS or at Usyd, and realised even though it’s not particularly academic, the writing is still supposed to be sophisticated…I don’t really know.  Then I thought about fashion, writing is important, but it’s not the major factor.  Should I be doing that?  I don’t know.  I imagined myself transferring to UTS…not sure how I feel about that.  The only thing I really love about Usyd is the campus, how it’s massive (even though walking is a con) it reminds me of going to uni in America or something.  UTS is literally one ugly and tall building, with ‘campuses’ separated by commercial blocks…  I love Usyd.  Some people say to me, they don’t actually love Usyd, but then others say they love it.  I was sitting in a lecture thinking, I wish all I had to do was listen and take notes, not have to write essays, not have to do exams.  My exams are in less than three weeks and I haven’t even handed in my last two assessments.  Life.

Not to mention tomorrow I have my second day of work.  I didn’t actually tell you how my first day was.  It was last Sunday and I worked five hours…  I work at my old tutoring place.  I don’t really know what I expected, I kind of thought I’d be teaching primary school students.  But tomorrow I have to assist a year twelve class, I don’t even know what to do.  To be honest, I mean I’ve always known and thought this, but I’m not that good at english…  Not good enough to teach other students.  And these students are only a year younger than me, in the position I was in not only a few months ago, and now I’m (sort of) entrusted with their future.  I’m supposed to mark essays and stuff.  I remember having tutors help me with mine, they gave me examples, what to put in my essay, things I need to expand on and points.  My tutor even gave me and my friend essays to mark one time, I literally had no suggestions and have no idea.  It’s because I’m not at all confident or opinionated about these things, I have no idea what the author is trying to say, or what they are saying.  So how can I possibly help others…  Not to mention again that the class splits into two, one on Hamlet and one on Yeats.  I don’t even know what the fuck Yeats is.  I think I have to research or read up on it before tomorrow.  And read up on techniques that I’ve forgotten…  One of the girls who I’m assisting said that I have to get used to teaching stuff I don’t know at this tutoring place.  This makes me sad.  I suck seriously.  I’m considering resigning because I literally don’t think I have what it takes to teach or even assist or even mark HSC essays…  I don’t know how I’m going to survive the two hours tomorrow, bullshitting my way through, pretending to be smart.

I was watching BeautyCrush on youtube again today, of her behind the scenes of fashion shoots (link here).  It made me realise that I’ve got to learn to get used to this feeling because all my life it will be like this.  Sammi was helping with styling at the shoot with people I assume she’s never met.  Caught a plane alone to Ibiza to meet with people she’s never met.  Had to have lunch and make small talk with them.  Feeling like a newbie, which is what I feel like at work, and sometimes at uni.  I say sometimes at uni because I don’t feel like that all the time, but I am still a fresher and literally think it in my mind.  Yeah I don’t really know where I was going with this or if I’ve already made my point but whatever…

Oh watching the video also made me want to be a model (lol).  It just looks so fun!  Not that I’d ever be one.  It reminds me of being an actor or something because you have to audition all the time and you’ll get rejected and things like that…

Sigh, I’ve also run out the Tim Tams my mum bought…  So no more delicious Tim Tams with tea…  I don’t know if I told you but I finally found Yorkshire tea!  It was in Coles I think.  I was getting more tea after I’d run out of English Breakfast and saw it just sitting there!  Finally when I wasn’t looking for it, it appears!!  And then I wikipedia-ed it in store to see if it was the actual one, and it was!  So yorkshire tea is the brand, and it makes black tea, so there is no other Yorkshire tea.  That’s just what I’ve gathered…  Here’s the attractive picture I took.

Image

I actually think this picture is attractive, not sarcasm.  Well actually this is far too big, I can really see it all in it’s not so glorious form.  I think shopping would make me feel a lot better…  But there’s no time for that.  I really can’t fucking be bothered.  I can’t go now since all the stores will close/have closed.  I can’t go tomorrow since there’s not enough time before work.  I have to start my assignment tonight and also read up on Hamlet, Yeats and techniques.  That’s for tonight and tomorrow morning.  Then I have to work until two, and then probably walk around my local stores and see nothing worthy compared to the top shop pants I want.  Maybe I should just trek it out there tomorrow on a fucking Sunday to buy them if the weather is good…  Shops close early on Sunday as well…  I don’t know.  It’s really pissing me off that I can’t make the picture smaller.  It’s either me or wordpress, but either way it’s pissing me off.  Minus one to wordpress, fuck.  I woke up at like twelve today and realised it was sunny outside, opposed to the rainy weather report.  Annoyed…!!!!  I should’ve gone to the library but I thought it’d be raining and I don’t like going outside when the weather is that miserable.  Lugging around an umbrella is the worst.  I really need to buy a new umbrella, some sort of compact one, but not enough money to spare for that.  My mum is so annoying, I don’t ask her for money for things I want, like clothes and stuff, nor do I go shopping with her because every time I regret it.  Anyway, so one time she was like, just tell me what you want and I’ll give you money, and you concentrate on studying.  I think this was in reference to me not having a job before and not having any money because literally no one would hire unexperienced me.  I really wanted to work in Sportsgirl or General Pants or even Glue.  I think one person kept saying to me, General Pants is so exclusive, and I was thinking, I fucking know, but there’s no harm in still applying…!!  Yeah well my mum hasn’t really done anything to support what she’s said.  Plus she only says things like that when other people are around.  Meh.

Cya bitchez,
Just Another Woo Girl

Lunch date at Moo Burgers!

Yesterday I kind of, most probably, had the best Moo Burger experience of my life!  Seriously delicious and I hope you all drool with envy over this feast…  So many FEELS!

Image
Yummy and delicious Moo burgers!  From top left: Cheese Moo, bucket of onion rings, haloumi burger, and my own Big Moo!  Plus strawberry milkshake and Fanta, with the cutest cow print straws!

Image
Close up of my Big Moo!  Egg, beef patty, extra pineapple!, beetroot, caramelised onions, tomato, lettuce, cabbage? and home-made mayo!  Seriously, I wish that was in my mouth right now…!!

Image
The Aftermath: my friend top left was annihilated.

Well hope you enjoyed this lunch series, because, fuck, I wish that was me again, everyday…

Strive for food excellence,
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s. This was at Moo Burgers Newtown!  They also have restaurants in Coogee, which I always go to when I’m at the beach!  And other places, I think Manly, Bondi…

The morning after

HELLOOOOO!!  So finally, last night, or should I say, this morning, I finished my philosophy essay!!  I put my mind to it and got it done!  Which I know, doesn’t really count since it was due a week ago, but never mind that!  On Wednesday night I had 240 words down, and was planning to get up early on Thursday to finish the remaining and hand it in.  Obviously, that didn’t work out.  So that day, yesterday, I vowed, well didn’t vow, but thought in the back of my puny mind, “I have to finish this and get it in tomorrow!  Otherwise it’ll be 12 marks lost… FML.”

Anyway, so I had dinner, and watched Friends and Futurama on TV.  And decided that, like when I was doing my HSC exams, I’d go downstairs on the unused dining table to cram out an essay. I’d spent that day basically rolling around pointlessly because I couldn’t muster the courage to sit at the computer with that itching feeling when you have no idea what to do or where to start.  My advice to others and myself, JUST START!  When I actually started writing, I realised what points I needed to put in, the flow of ideas, and the word count just kept on rolling in!  When I hit an obstacle, for example not knowing how to structure a paragraph to make the ideas flow, I just sat there in that itchy state and worked through it, in my mind.  Got up and few times and talked weirdly to myself about ideas…

Anyway, I finished at 8am this morning!  I went straight, from 8pm last night, to 8am!  That’s 12 hours!!  MATH!!!  Though to be honest, my conclusion is pretty roughly strung together and the end points of my essay seem a bit scarce, but FUCK THAT I DON’T CARE!  I went to sleep, and woke up at 1:30pm in order to get ready, print my shit, and travel all the way to fucking uni and hand it into a box.  Sigh.

Because my mum’s car was crashed pretty badly, we now only have one car, which my dad drives to work.  So unluckily for me, my mum can’t drive me to the train station.  So I was walking, dead, tired, yet slightly chirpy from having a weight lifted!  I was waiting for the train thinking if I should proof read my essay one more time…  But then I thought fuck it, there’s nothing I can change if I see something confusing or wrong anyway…

I was waiting at the lights, so tired, and I realised, I had felt exactly like this before.  But not like all those all nighters in the HSC for textiles and english, but from the morning after a night out.  Literally, the next morning after a night out, I don’t get hangovers.  However, I get home at like 5am, and sleep until usually 1pm, and when I wake up, I feel so freaking heavy.  My throat is cloggy, my body is sore, and I’m really hot…  I always thought I was sweating alcohol or something.  But now I realise that it’s due to exhaustion.  But how would I even get so tired from a night out?  I guess dancing, walking around in heels, drinking, really takes a toll on a young girl (it really shouldn’t).  Meh.  So tired.

Weeeeee my dad gave me money to buy my mum a Mother’s Day present, for this Sunday.  So I went shopping after spending an hour at uni handing in my shit.  Instead, I bought I bag for myself…  Not with my dad’s money of course, but yeah, tomorrow, I have to go and buy something.  Fml, and I have to do my psychology assignment as well which I have to hand in by Wednesday.  Otherwise I’m doubly fucked, I mean it’s going to be a week late, so I’m fucked already.  Life.

Anyway, I love my new bag!  It’s from Sportsgirl!  It’s one of those petite backpacks, like the ones from the 90s and in Clueless!  It’s faux leather I think, and it’s got a draw string, and gold clasp, I love it!  I want to use it for uni, but I’m not sure if it’ll fit anything without falling open.  Also, the straps are the ones where it’s not fully connected to the bag, so if I grab one strap without the other, it just falls straight through.  I used to have a bag like that, it was so fucking annoying.  I’m going to have to figure out a way to fix it without sewing it like I did for the other bag.  It’s so pretty though!  Here’s a pic!

Image

It’s got studs on the bottom, leopard print lining, a zipped pocket, a shoulder strap that goes at the top, but it’s not adjustable.  The straps are adjustable, and it’s super cute!  Love it!

Seriously though, today I was planning to wear something easy and comfy, so I wore my usual boots and high waisted dress shorts with my khaki anorak that I love (it’s from Aritzia in Soho) and wear all the time.  The only thing I did different was I wore a plain tee, well it’s not plain, it’s the tee I bought from the merch stand when I went to see Love Never Dies (AMAZING!!!!).  And to make it cooler, I wore this rose gold chocker necklace that was super cheap and on sale at Diva.  Anyway, now I feel bad, because I really liked my outfit today and I’ve wasted it on a uni day when I didn’t even have classes.  Yes, lol at me all you like, but I haven’t bought clothes for months, this bag is the first thing I’ve bought!  Sighpie.

It was freezing when I went to sleep this morning, and when I woke up!  Although, my feet were still cold but my face was so hot!  It’s burning up!

Mehhhhh, I feel good but tired, but now I know I have three essays to write.  Better get started.

What a dampener,
Just Another Woo Girl

I must find peace

I was really inwardly stressed about this week.  I had my philosophy essay due on Friday which I missed the deadline for.  I was planning to hand it in today before 4pm and have it only be a day late.  But obviously, it is now 11:13pm, it didn’t happen.  Would I say it’s wishful thinking that I would hand it in, not even on time, but three days late?  I did even say today that it was.  What I really meant to say, and what probably is the true of this situation, is that I really just didn’t try hard enough.  By 3am last night, I decided, fuck it.

And this is why.  My philosophy paper is worth 30% of my final mark.  Yes, this is a shitload compared to my preliminary assessments of anthropology and sociology which were only worth around 15% I think?  (Take into account, I have two major essays for these classes due on the same day in two weeks, so not really a win).

May I just interlude with, this is Arts!  It’s JUST Arts!  It’s a single Arts degree, nothing more, nothing less, so why is it so hard?  The ATAR cut-off for a single Arts degree is so low.  I remember my year seven PDHPE teacher asking me what I was doing next year, I said, “just Arts.”  Basically, it was just to clarify that I wasn’t doing anything else with it.  She said to me, “No, Alina.  It’s not JUST Arts.  Be proud of what you’re doing.  Arts is a hard degree.”

What I thought to myself at the time was, “but I’m not proud of my degree.”  The only thing I’m proud of (and I’m not even proud) is that I’m going to Usyd.  I also thought, “Arts isn’t a hard degree, why would the ATAR so low if it’s so hard.”

Now I realise it’s probably just because there are so many available positions it’s not exclusive or whatever, I can’t think of the word I’m looking for…

Anyway!  Back to the point.  The philosophy paper is 30%, whilst my psych paper is 25%.  Psych is apart of the Science faculty so it’s policies on late work is different.  For Arts, it’s a 2% penalty for each WORKING day.  And I think for psych, it’s a 10% penalty per week.  Which actually ends up being the same thing.  So since it’s Monday night, and both of them haven’t been done, the psych paper hasn’t even been started.  I began to think.  With my brain.  I feel like I’ve done a lot of thinking the past few days, but it’s really been backward, I’ve been thinking hard about ways to hand in my assignments late rather than just doing them…

There’s basically no way I’m going to finish my psych essay on time.  I would have had to finish it on Tuesday night in order to hand it in online before uni on Wednesday.  That would leave me (now) one night, that would be tomorrow night.  So it’s basically impossible.  No, it is, impossible.

If I hand my psych essay in late, I may as well give myself the week since it’s penalised weekly.  So I’ll hand it in next Wednesday.  I will lose 2.5% of my overall mark.  But on the paper, it will say, “-10” which will make me very sad and want to jump in front of a train.

Now that leaves my philosophy essay.  Now I actually have to hand this in to the fucking office.  If I hand it in on Thursday before 4pm, I will have lost 2.4% of my final mark.  If I actually had the time to finish my psych essay on time, this would be worth it.  I’d work on my psych essay until I hand it in, and then spend Wednesday night completing the entire phil essay.  I would lose nothing for psych (except maybe quality) and only 2.4% of phil rather than 2.5% for psych if that were late.

Anyway blah blah blah, my new goal is to finish my philosophy essay ASAP.  The latest by Thursday, and the earliest achievable, by Wednesday early night.  That will give me around 6 days to complete my psych essay, including research (mother fucker) and writing.  Psych is so hard, but interesting.

I’m really thinking I might have to transfer.  But I don’t even think I can since my grades are so low.  I got a credit for my first essay, which was also late.  I might want to go to UTS to do fashion, or journalism, subjects which I can actually visualise myself getting a distinction or higher.  I can’t imagine that I’ll achieve that in my current course with these classes.

For this weeks tasks, I really just have to find peace with what I’ve decided, because it’s the best choice out of the ones I have remaining.  The best series of events is that I would have handed my phil in on time, and got on to my psych.  Or even better, done them weeks ago.  Somehow, I have to find peace, find peace with seeing those massive numbers make my grade go down a whole degree.  10 marks for psych is literally the difference between each grade.  If my work is only a pass, I am going to fail.  This means I have to at least make it a credit.  Or best case scenario for all my late works, to get an 87, and then down to 77, and get a distinction since I’ve had extra time.

Now that’s, wishful thinking.

How do I become a better student?  How?  The question is stupid, I should just work to become one, and figure out how at the end of the process…  Or maybe that’s the problem in a nutshell.  Maybe I’m always looking for the quickest and easiest way to do things and figure out what’s been done at the end.  I mean, I told myself during the HSC, meh, ATAR doesn’t matter, I’ll just do better in uni, and basically flunked out.  I can’t let this attitude rule my life.  I MUST CHANGE!  But all these things are just words, there is no action.  In fact, the action I’m doing right now is the complete opposite of what my words are saying.  I’m just tricking myself.  But I really need to vent these thoughts, these mundane thoughts that are stupid.  Or maybe that’s just another excuse to do what I’m not supposed to.

S.O.S.,
Just Another Woo Girl