Holy crap I have nothing to offer

“The group project is to encourage the ability to work collaboratively and effectively in groups; to manage conflicts appropriately and ethically; and to pool knowledge and abilities to produce a superior report of research and analysis, including a critique of published research.”

Holy crap I have nothing to offer.

Take deep breathes, stay calm, you can do it.  I’m sitting here at my desk, for the first time in the whole holidays writing a pros and cons list of why and why not I should take a second major in psychology.  There are so many opinions running through my head that make me just want to break down and have a good cry.  I just really need to figure out what it is that I want to do this year.

Well I want to get good grades and transfer, but also discover and learn new things that may open my mind to new possibilities (this is important because I still don’t know what I want to transfer into).  I hope writing out some thoughts that don’t fit into my pros and cons list is productive, I’ll just say it is because otherwise I will surely have an anxiety attack.

I’m just confused.  And I can’t even categorise it into what I’m confused about, that’s how confused I am.  Am I confused about myself?  My passions?  My abilities?  What I like?  Sometimes people say, you can do anything.  But then on the other hand, people will say to me, you’re doing arts, you can’t do science, good luck with statistics next semester, and laugh.  The thing is, can I do different things?  People say you can, try new things all the time, at least give it go.  I’ve given it a go, psychology and statistics, I did it last semester.  But did I really give it a good try?  Because I didn’t study the entire year, why did I not study?  I tried to in the beginning, and then just conked out.  Does this mean university isn’t for me?  I used to think I was smart, at least pretty smart and not an idiot, but now I’m beginning to think that I’m actually stupid.  I mean, even if I was a bit smart before in high school, I feel like I’ve completely lost any sort of academic intelligence.  Do I just need to ‘retrain’ myself?  Or am I just stuck being stupid.  But I don’t believe that anyone is ever stuck.  When people ask me for advice I always know what to do (well generally).  But sometimes I wonder, do they want to know what I would do.  I give advice, in a way where it’s kind of the epitome of ‘goodness,’ and I’ll usually add in what I would do personally in that situation.  Giving advice is hard because the person who actually needs it is the only one who can really know what is best for them.  But when I give advice to myself I always back hand the ‘good’ advice with something less encourage-able, a more dire outlook on life.

So maybe I should try and give advice to myself as I would give to others in my situation.  So me as my outer self is giving me as my inner self advice: Should I study psychology?  It’s really hard, it has statistics, and I’ve always almost prided myself to be a non-maths and non-science person even though I used to love science when I was little.  Science has always interested me, but I was never much good at it, I’d always prefer studying for music or doing practicals in textiles, drawing, or even learning languages or thinking deeply about concepts in english.  I guess now I see that those are the things I love, but I’m not doing any of those things anymore which to be true to myself, is really quite sad.  The most I do is sing in the shower, play the piano when no ones home, and the last time I did anything to do with textiles was alter my birthday dress (which I had great fun doing) and cutting tops into crop tops.  Though I think languages weren’t really my forte since I didn’t pick it up as an elective, even though I was acing French like a boss, still can’t hold on to a French accent though, or any, maybe with practice.  This will also seem like a petty reason, which it is, it’s that continuing with psychology will mean I have to deal with a clashing lecture.  I’ll probably have to listen to the stats lecture online, which I’m not sure, it could be detrimental to my learning.  For PSYC2011 we have an in-tutorial quiz every few weeks, I’m scared.  Reading the course outline makes me scared.  There’s a group assignment and I’m so scared I’ll let my class mates down, I really sucked last year, and I’m scared even if I try really hard I won’t be able to it.  I wonder if I try to pretend to be positive I will end up being positive, and succeeding.  Or on the other hand I will fail miserably and probably fall into some sort of deep depression.  Writing this is making me so sad.  Should I try and give myself advice now?  Get ready for some pump up talk (this is going to get weird I can feel it already).

Dear self, I know you’re having troubles right now, believing in yourself, but you can do it if you put your mind to it.  You can achieve anything.  You’ve got your entire life and you’re only nineteen, you can’t give up now because what will happen for the rest of your life?  You can’t be complacent.  Nothing is easy.  And everything that is easy gets harder, but that’s what makes it worth while, makes life worth living.  Pursue your short term goals and they’ll evolve into long term goals, into your career, into your passion, and into your life. Do what makes you happy.  If you don’t know what makes you happy, then try new things, how about you try actually trying this year.  Don’t give up.  If you’ve fallen behind, don’t go anywhere, don’t do anything, study, get back on track, and maybe reward yourself.  It doesn’t matter if your timetable is difficult right now, you have to do what you have to do.  I think you should do psychology and listen to stats online, it’ll give you time to process what they’re saying, pause and listen, take notes, especially if it’s hard.  You just have to make sure you listen every week.  Set some classes on Tuesday and go to uni, and listen to the lecture afterwards.  Doesn’t matter if you’re tired, you’re always tired because you’re a bit of a major lazy shit.  It’s time to get up early and just go.  You used to get up at 7:15am for high school, what makes university different?  Get up, get ready, go to uni, or take your time and have a proper breakfast, meet up with people before you head off, if you’re at uni early go to the library and revise your readings, don’t be late to class.  It doesn’t matter if you only have class for a tiny bit in the morning on Tuesdays and it’s your only class and you have to go because it’s a tutorial, you will study afterwards.  It doesn’t matter that you’ll have one less day to work, and one less day to make money for an overseas trip because uni is more important, it’s how you’ll make money in the future, and real career professional money, not retail base rate teenager pay.  If you study hard and properly you won’t let your class mates down.  Just try your best, that’s all you can do.  Uni is a full time job, five days a week, you’ll have a work shift now and then but don’t let that make you tired and think, no studying for today.  Study everyday, everyday of your fucking life.  Do what needs to be done, do more than needs to be done.  Study at least six hours a day.  You need to study otherwise you’ll fail like last year.  You are smart.  And you can do it.  If you work hard you can achieve anything.  You aren’t born smart, you’re made smart, you can make yourself smart.  (Okay that just sounded a bit derp but whatever).  YOU CAN DO IT.

Sigh.  I feel slightly better and bit lame.  Anyway, I think I’ll do what I told myself to do, because I know that’s what’s best.  Let me learn my lesson by saying that I could’ve been having the time of my life studying Fashion at UTS right now, but because I was stupid, and even though I knew what I should’ve done, I made the wrong decision and now I’m here doing Arts.  Arts is cool, just not for me.  Even though UTS is ugly and stupid, it was better and I should’ve put that as my first choice.  I am an idiot for putting Arts first when the ATAR was so fucking low.  But at least I’m trying to do something, to change it, to be better.  Back to thinking, I will fix my timetable, apply for jobs, find someone to swap shifts with me, and organise my shelves, make a list of stationary to buy, and hopefully buy that tomorrow.

Also I’m having major hair issues and food craving issues I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Stay strong, me.

Ty,
Just Another Woo Girl

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Scrolling through my Facebook timeline

I was scrolling through my facebook timeline, having a few laughs with myself…  I used to post a status everyday, more than one and mostly about Glee, Nick Jonas, food or being bored.  The comments I used to reply sound so dry when I read back on them, even though at the time I was so happy with everything in general, must’ve been my cool, laid back, “idgaf” facebook persona.

But mostly, aside from cheesy lines and some really weird sexual posts, I’m sad that 19 year old me hasn’t achieved anything that 14 year old me once dreamed of.  I posted about wanting to go to Juilliard and going on a gap year to Italy.  All those things of which didn’t  even cross my mind in year twelve.  I mean it occurred to me I could go on a gap year only because some friends were going on a gap year of their own, but to me, it wasn’t a real option.  And even though this year I want to travel, it seems like Italy hasn’t even crossed my mind as an actual possibility.  Before I would’ve gone there, just to Italy, stayed and lived there for a few months and just probably gone back home to Sydney, with a possible spontaneous road trip to the next country.  But now, I feel like I wouldn’t even travel to Italy by itself, I would have to travel all or at least one side of Europe in one go, and that’s only due to money.  But I feel as though, why should money be the reason that I don’t travel to a single place, at this moment in my life?  Is it because I’ve grown up and realised money is essential to actually doing things, for life?  Or is it because I’ve lost the thrill and the dream of travelling for the pure pleasure and new experiences?  Well, I feel that maybe now that I’m five years the wiser (what a long time that is…) I’ve realised that there are restrictions to what I can do.  But then I tell myself, and people say, the only things restricting you are the restrictions you place on yourself.  So if I think of it that way, I can do anything that I want.  In respects to travelling, I guess it’s just a balance between the need for money and the seeking of thrills and experiences.

I just keep thinking of the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.  Blake Lively went to Italy, right?  Some European country I think it was anyway.  And for a few months?  Seems amazing.

But onto Juilliard.  Obviously I would never go there, I couldn’t.  I mean, even if I tried for the rest of my life, I doubt I’d make it in.  It doesn’t really appeal to me anymore in that sense.  But is that because subconsciously I’ve set it aside because I think it’s far too out of my league anyway?  Or is it because that career and the passion for singing isn’t with me anymore?  I love singing, is it a passion?  I don’t think I’m good enough to make anything of it anyway, yet I often think about living the life of a popstar, what kind of tolls it would have on me as a person, travelling non-stop for almost a year touring, not seeing friends and family.  Right now I’m studying Arts, and let’s not turn this into another existential crisis about my university course, but obviously it’s not something I want to do or pursue the rest of my life.  And I say pursue, because every career is an endless pursuit, you can always better yourself, learn more, and I feel as though anything or any career that has a distinct ending point is pointless.  I mean, I define a career as a job that is your passion, and a career is something where you always have more to achieve.  But don’t think of it in a negative light where you’ll never finish, because if it’s your passion you never even want it to finish.  You don’t look at is as an infinite number of stages where you’ll never be the best, but you should look at your career as things you have achieved already to get to where you are, and where you are is your best, it’s the best you can be at the point in time, and rather it should excite you that you haven’t reached the end.  Because once you’ve reached the end, you’ve reached the end of your passion, and if it’s your passion, probably the end to any meaning to your life (in that respect, of course you should also have actual people relationships…derp).

Anyway, so what I mean is that, my life right now, it seems all a bit purposeless.  High school is fine, everyone has a purpose, it’s to discover who you are, what you love, what you want to be, and all that.  But university, or whatever it is that you decide to pursue after your usual obligatory years in high school, is supposed to be all the more meaningful, the start of a new era in your life where you can discover yourself surrounded by your passions and the people you actually care about, the time where you really start to grow and learn.  To be honest, I feel like the same person.  Actually, sorry, no I don’t, that just sounded more dramatic.  I mean, I feel different than before, but yet I still feel the same.  Let me think about how so…  I’m not all too sure.  For one, like I said before, I don’t know what my passions are.  But are passions just hobbies that you’ve grown to love and are dedicated to?  Is music my passion?  Is singing my passion?  Is fashion my passion?  (Lol).  Is makeup my passion?  Those are the only things I really like to do for the sake of only that it’s fun and I think I’m pretty awesome.  But I’m can’t sing that high, or that uniquely.  I don’t follow avidly any fashion blogs at all, and I’m not up to date with high end fashion.  And I don’t see how makeup can take me on a never-ending life journey…  Well actually it could, I always imagined it to be like being a celebrity makeup artist, travelling the world with them.  But what would I do when I don’t want to travel around constantly anymore?  Will I become a glorified sales assistant?  Will I start my own makeup school?  Makeup brand?  And also I’ll have to defer or be a college drop out to become a makeup artist.  But this is all silly.  I shouldn’t limit myself.  Why do I have all these doubts.  I should try to be a free thinker.  I will become a free thinker and do what it is I want to do.

Yeah I was going to say something else but I’ve forgotten.  Now that I’ve not even been working I have realised what the lives of the unemployed is truly like.  I mean, I thought I’d experienced it before, but now, I really have.  Last time, I was just going out, having fun.  But this last week, I’ve literally been sitting on my ass all day.  Not even that, lying in bed watching random shit on the internet and scrolling endlessly through newsfeeds.  I’ve feel as though I’ve gotten lazier and lazier now that I have no structure to my life.  And now I can understand the vicious cycle of unemployment and the real will that they all lack to find a job.  I have a resume, yet I haven’t applied anywhere properly yet.  I am the worst.  But I can be better.  I’m still deciding whether I want to work retail, hospitality, or the truly mundane, call centre things.  To be honest, I’d work any if it was high paying (except maybe hospitality, that might be do much physical endurance for me, although it probably has weight loss benefits).  I think I’d most prefer to work high end retail, it’s a higher pay, better work environments, though there’s also much more client care and commitment, which I don’t mind, and probably enjoy.  Call centres and such will probably be much too boring for me, not enough human contact, plus, weird hours.

Oh yes, what I was going to say is that maybe I want to be a psychiatrist, which is linked to my current studies in psychology.  I thought maybe it would be good because you have ongoing relationships with your patients, you get to know them, so you can understand them and truly help them.  You’re helping people in a meaningful way.  But I’m not sure whether I want to because I just finished watched the first season of My Mad Fat Diary.  It’s really good by the way, a British series.  I found out about it on tumblr, and I was like what the hell, I so want to watch this.  It’s about this fat girl who basically ends up with the hottest guy in school, so basically, I can relate and can fantasise about this minute possibility.  Also the guy, Finn, is gorgeous and so cute.  Classic bad boy, with a good heart and is really sweet and actually really kind.  Yeah, so when I saw all these GIFs of it, I was like, huh, these names sound so familiar, and the characters as well.  It looks like this book I bought and read ages ago.  AND IT WAS!!!  It’s the adapted version of My Mad Fat Teenage Diary which I read in maybe year seven.  I loved that book.  I can’t tell if it was actually great or just a good teen drama.  I think it was the latter.  But seriously, watch the whole first season, it’s only six episodes.  At first I was a bit like, this is alright…  But you get to know the characters, it’s a bit like Misfits in the cinematography.  Finn is sexy as fuck.  I cried so much in the last few episodes, that’s how good it is.  Love it.

Anyway, I’m getting two of my wisdom teeth out tomorrow.  I haven’t been dreading it much.  But that’s probably because I’m too stupid to actually imagine and comprehend the read pain I will be in tomorrow.  Stop it, me, I’d rather be half oblivious than wretchedly scared.  Okay fuck, I think I’m getting that TSI or whatever hand thing from typing too much, I really hope I don’t get arthritis in my fingers when I’m older.

I’m going to watch the Lilo and Stitch films now.

G2g,
Just Another Woo Girl

A boring list that you shouldn’t read if you value your life

It’s so weird reading back on some of the blogposts I made last year.  A lot of them had to do with complaining and stressing about assignments, all extremely interesting…  I didn’t post that much either, I mean a few posts down and you’re already back in March in around the first few weeks of uni.  Oh how the excitement has worn off.  Apparently you don’t really talk to other people in tutorials, which I thought you were supposed to and I was some sort of unfriendly weirdo.  I’m not sure I’m looking forward to uni that much this year, I plan to work harder though at least.  But now that I think of it, when I say plan, I really haven’t planned anything yet.  Maybe I’ll make a list right now!!

How I’ll ace uni this year:
1. Fix up a good timetable ASAP when they come out.  And re-evaluate subject choices and arrange timetable accordingly.
2. Order readers online, then pick them up during O-week.
3. Order any textbooks needed online, have them delivered to home.
4. Start readings a week early.
5. Always read lecture slides before the lecture.
6. Revise lecture slides after the lecture.
7. Complete tutorial exercises.
8. Compile written notes of interesting points (especially in Philosophy).
9. Write out summarised notes for psychology, compiling lecture slides and notes with textbook information.
10. Pay attention in lectures and tutorials and take a lot of notes on your laptop! (Which you’ll compile later into written notes, and then typed summaries for exams).

Well that was a boring fucking list.  At least I wrote it somewhere though…

Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

In a state of oblivion

Am I angry right now? Annoyed? Nope, I’m none of those things. In fact, I feel just a bit like nothingness. I’m in one of those weird states where everything seems like it’s either moving really fast or really slow… I’m writing this on my phone and, I have to say that, it kinda sucks. I have to double space on my phone and it’s weird. And then I’m thinking, fuck, should’ve just made the complete effort to use my laptop which is thirty centimetres away from me. Oh maybe one plus is that it autocorrects or autospells when I can’t be bothered figuring out how to spell a word.

You know what, when I’m marking shit at work and I’m writing a comment at the end, oh man. I have to refrain myself from using words such as incorporate or unnecessary because I’m scared I will spell them wrong. And damn it I’m marking English! I always think its encorporate, but obviously that’s wrong since it just got underlined in red.

So wassup y’all. I just wanna make doe so I can go out and see all my friends. Big ass sigh. Mates went out on Wednesday, last night and were going to tonight (me only for drinks, but no one out of my friends are going anymore).

Let me just say, I have no problem, I’m not angry or annoyed. And don’t think I am just because I stated that I wasn’t. But I do feel bad because it’s my friends birthday. But obviously not bad enough to just go. Am I a bad person? Anyway, some may go but they’ll be going out to da clubz after and I can’t go (once again cos no cab moolah, I want to use an emoticon where my eyes are waterfalls of tears but…I’m trying to be slightly intellectual here, okay?).

Okay, what I really wanted to say from the beginning of that paragraph: I really have experienced the utter awkwardness of going to a party, or a hangout, where you’re friends, but you’re not close friends. I went to this party and yeah, none of my close group of friends were invited (oh my god so popular) and it was okay, but really, it kind of ended up being awks. Okay, maybe you’re supposed to just not feel awkward and pose in pictures, imposing on other people’s close group of friends pictures… Anyway, at one point in the night, I seriously was saying the same damn things and basically clinging on to people, it was so embarrassing. Oh Lordy lord.

Now of course, this is a little different cos they were more apart of all our groups, but still, the same concept applies. Yesterday I spent ten dollars on just junk food, it makes me sad. Oh man, I’m such a broke ass bitch. Sitting here in my bed, at 3:30pm, in some fat ass winter or ski jacket, oh man… Also I can’t get Miley’s new song out of my head since I watched her live performances on YouTube. I forgot what an actually good singer she is, and live as well. To be honest, Selena Gomez sucks live, so I suppose she also kinda just isn’t that great at singing then.

Whatevz.

Laterz,
Just Another Woo Girl

Mould1001

So yes.  My room is currently the most messy it has ever been, to my recollection.  Now, it’ not even just messy, it’s actually disgusting.  I don’t want to go into all the details because it will just gross you out and make you all think I am really disgusting and messy…  So anyway, as you would’ve known, the past few weeks (maybe not the most recent few) have been hectic with assignments.  Now, it’s not even that I pull all-nighters consecutively before the due date, which would probably be more beneficial, but a single all-nighter before the day I hand it in, whether it’s (not ever) on time or days/weeks after.  So yes, I had the phase with the tim tams.  Recently though, I haven’t been doing that.  I think I may be put off on that for at least a few months.

I’d been drinking a lot of tea in an attempt to boost energy and caffeine levels to no avail.  And so, seeing as these past few weeks I’ve just given up, I had just left these mugs of half drunken tea in my room.  Fermenting, as you will.  To be honest I think they’ve been in my room for maybe two weeks.  And my room is strewn with my clothes because every morning I don’t know what to wear.  I’ve worn this top this week already and I don’t want to look like a dirty hoe who wears the same clothes everyday with obviously no time to wash them.

So anyway, they’ve just been sitting there.  And for some reason just now I decided to finally take them downstairs to the kitchen.  But before doing that I had a tiny peak inside…  EWWWWWWWW MOULD!!!!!!!!  EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh my god it was excruciatingly cringeworthy!  Oh how I cringed!  I saw it and quickly put the lid back on.  As I’m writing this I am cringing, eughhHH!!!!!!  There were like black green circles of mould sitting on the top, and I think the tea had turned into some acidic translucent colour.  Most likely due to the soy milk in it.  Oh so gross.  At first when I looked in I thought it might’ve been the tea bag, but it was peaking out from two ends of the cup, and that was when I realised it was mould and shut it!

I’m not sure, but this might be the most disgusting experience of mould I have ever experienced!  Equalling this other time…

The other time was in probably year eight I think, when I was thirteen.  My mum used to pack me sandwiches for lunch and sometimes I wouldn’t eat them because instead I’d buy something from the canteen.  Usually, one of my friends would be hungry and they’d end up eating my sandwich.  I think on this particular day, I forgot about it and I’d already arrived home from school, the sandwich still in my lunch box.  Of course I couldn’t leave it there, otherwise my mum would’ve gotten me in trouble for not eating and also might’ve made me eat it then and there.  So I snuck it out of my back and stashed it in this massive plastic storage container I had with all these old books and girly files that you’d write in.  And then, I guess I forgot about it.

Sometime later, I don’t really know how long, I opened this container for some reason and holy mother of god, how it stank of death.  Oh man, it smelt so bad, it was sour and strong, like an actual garbage dump.  I opened up the paper bag, and there was the sandwich.  Soooooooo grossssssssssssss.  All mouldy.  Not sure which is more gross, the mould growing on the sandwich or the mould floating on the tea.  Fuck.

Mould is like the one thing that is actively revolting.  It’s not even the type of gross thing that is so gross but you just can’t help looking at it.  It’s the gross thing that is just like eugh, get out of my face and out of my memory.  So bad.

Yeah so I took that downstairs and left it on the counter.  My mum cleaned it.  Lol.  If I was living alone I would’ve just thrown the cups and everything touching it into the garbage bin.  So damn disgusting.  Well, I don’t know what she did with it, maybe she threw it as well.  But I supposed I can’t ever drink from those cups again.  Fml.  Well not really fml, but just so gross.

My room is a mess.  I haven’t started writing the essay that is a substitute.  It was due Friday and now I want to hand it in on Monday before 6pm so I don’t accrue even more than two late marks.  I suck.  And I have work tomorrow…  I’m so bad at work.  I’m just so bad at what I’m supposed to do.  Oh fuck, I am going to fail all my exams.  I can feel it.  I told my mum I want caffeine pills.  She said no…  I must pull an all-nighter on Sunday.  Otherwise I won’t be able to start studying for my exams.  Oh I am going to fail.  

Lol my parents are trying to talk to me right now.  My dad bought me some stuff for my dry skin, oh it’s so dry.  It’s literally like vaseline that he’s bought me.  Lol my dad’s telling my mum that his brother, I think, had a baby and for her to congratulate them or something.  She’s like go away, you’re disturbing everyone.  Because I’m supposed to be studying right now.  I think she’s like, I’m not going to, because they didn’t congratulate her?  I don’t know. Oh right, it’s because they had a baby boy.  And my parents didn’t have a boy.  My mum’s like, I’m the only one who didn’t have a boy, what can I do…  Lol.  I don’t even know.  Kind of depressing really.  Oh well.  Oh well.  Oh well…

Eugh I think they wanted me to be a boy.  Oh well.  Eugh, I think I would’ve made a particularly ugly boy.  I don’t know, it’s much easier for a girl to improve their looks with makeup but for boys, it’s au naturale.  Meh.  I wonder how I would be if were a boy.

Anyway, I should try and get back to my essay which I haven’t done.  I haven’t even read the articles yet.  Fuck.

Cya all,
Just Another Woo Girl

Don’t try and tell me you don’t want to see what it would be like to grow old with me

YOU’RE IN LOVE EVERY OTHER DAY COS YOU SMILE AT ME LIKE YOU’RE DYING TO SAY THAT YOUR HEARTBEAT STOPS WHEN I’M WALKING AWAY SO DON’T WALK AWAY – YOU’RE IN LOVE!

Imagine drinking wine incessantly and you’ll be kissing me on New Years Eve…

I’m listening to You’re In Love by Betty Who thanks to Tyler Oakley!  It’s been stuck in my head all day but for some reason I’ve got to listen to it on SoundCloud because shitty iTunes won’t let me put it on my phone without syncing…  It’s such an eighties sound and I love it.

Anyway, I literally can’t find any fucking articles on Google Scholar for my substitute sociology assignment and it’s really getting me frustrated and angry!  My breathing is stressed even while I’m typing this!  I’m using all the relevant key words but nothing good comes up!  I’ve got two articles which are alright…

I’m sitting in the law library and when I walked in, it was so quiet.  It was scary.  My friend even wanted to go into the Cone of Silence, the ‘quiet study area’.  I’ve read all the confessions and spotted things on facebook and people get dirties for turning a page too loudly, and breathing.  No way was I going in there.  My friend had described this such phenomenon to me before, and she said that during the day time the sun shone directly from above the cone (there’s like a massive sun roof) and it’s as if there’s a godly beam of light streaming down that should be accompanied by an “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Anyway, I should get back to studying again seeing as this is my substitute assignment.  I was at my sociology lecture today with Salvatore, he is the greatest lecturer ever because he is so kind!!  Everyone says that sociology is really easy, and I can’t really say because I haven’t done the work, but the real reason why it’s so easy is because of Salvatore!  He is so kind and sympathetic!  Basically the exam is multiple choice and really simple and straightforward, unlike the psych exam which is full of tricks.  And the lowest mark you can get is 40/100!  Even if you get zero you’ll still get 40% because he says, that even in an essay, if you actually attempt it properly but it’s crap you won’t get under 40.  Only if it’s not a real attempt will you get under!  So that makes me feel a whole lot better!  So great!  But kind of annoying some two guys behind me kept remarking how they were getting HDs and how Salvatore was nice.  Just shut up, or learn how to whisper.  You know you’re doing it right when no one else can hear you.  And obviously they were doing it wrong.

My friend was like, what are you doing? (while I was typing).  I said, “writing in my blog.”  She like, “Oh, that’s why you were typing so fast.”  I don’t think I could ever even imagine myself typing so fast when writing an essay.   Eugh, even thinking about writing an essay in an exam is giving me anxiety!  I literally know nothing about anything.  Life.

Oh my god Game of Thrones last night.  Fuck, it was crazy!  But so perfect.  The credits with the silence, godly.  We were discussing it, as you do, and basically I was like to my friends, don’t tell me, no spoilers!  And they continued to talk about it ‘without spoilers’ but they spoiled it.  I never want to talk about Game of Thrones with anyone it fucking ruins everything.  And then they try to take the spoiler back, but they can’t.  Eughhh!!!!  Erks me man.

Also, I was gonna watch Gatsby with my old tutoring class but now they’ve all seen it, and I don’t really want to watch it by myself (technically not true).  Life.  Oh life.

I can’t do uni.  Mehhhhhhhhhhhh.

Cya,
Just Another Woo Girl

A substantial crisis

So for the past few days I’ve had somewhat of a substantial crisis.  Some of you may agree, and some of you may not.  Meh.  Anyway, so I’ve had these two essays due for sociology and anthropology.  Both of which, were due on the same day, I think exactly two weeks ago! And basically, the protocol for late assessments (well my understanding) is that you can only hand them in with the normal penalty, before the date they’re handed back to everyone else. I think I’m actually so stupid, or so weary over study things right now…  But anyway, a few nights ago I was thinking to myself, holy shit, it’s actually been almost two weeks now and that means minus twenty marks for me!

And knowing this, it’s pretty draining.  By this time, I find it impossible for me to actually achieve a pass, which means I will fail.  Psychology is an example of this.  But if I look at my anthropology assignment one, I got a high credit, so I could possible still have a chance of passing that unit.  But whatever.

Anyway, last night I checked my uni email and there was one from my lecturer.  It basically stated some facts about the course, upcoming things like exams.  But one in particularly, became the bane of my existence.  The sociology essay was being handed back on Thursday.  You know what that means.  I quote, the “hard deadline” is tomorrow.  Which in present terms, is today.  I was like holy shit, my life.

To be honest at that point, I didn’t realise the extremity of my position and what actual implications it meant for my future.  But after deliberating with my friends at 4:30pm today, 5.5 hours before it was due, I realised it meant I would automatically fail the unit, if I didn’t hand it in.  Which means I’d either have to take five units in a semester which is 16 hours for me, or do an extra year/semester.  No way.  So the email from my lecturer said, so nicely, “If you don’t think you can meet the deadline, email me and we can discuss a solution.”  Even though it was a gentle and kind leeway, I was still afraid to email him.

I mean, I see my lecturer as a distant figure, a tiny person at the bottom of the hall, chattering away.  Kind of like a celebrity.  I don’t talk to them.  Even when they look at you, how can you know if they’re looking at you.  You don’t smile at them when they look at you in a lecture, you just continue to listen intently and maybe stare back at them.  I find the relationship to be much like a famous musician at a concert, and I, a tiny speck in the crowd.  A tutor is more relatable and approachable.  I mean, for sociology, my lecturer has this thing after a lecture where he shouts students coffees a Taste.  I’ve never gone.  Don’t really plan on going.  But kind of sad that I’ve never gone, seeing as I don’t plan on doing sociology next semester.

You know what, I was so set on doing psychology into senior years, even though I flunked out and it was really hard, I still found it so interesting.  But now I find out you have to do some entire big thing on statistics, and maybe neuroscience.  This could be the death of me! I know if I put the time and effort in, I can do it, but…  No!  I can’t think like that!  Next semester, it’s all in, all brains!  Your brain is a muscle and it needs to be trained, otherwise it turns to moosh!!  True stuff.

Back to the essay.  Anyway, I ended up emailing him with the help of my friends guiding me with what to say.  And he replied to me saying that I can do a substitute assignment, even though it’s completely different.  Fine with me!!  So yeah, pretty ecstatic!

I think the whole point of this post was to say, that this was really and extremely bad, I thought I’d have ages to do the essay before the hard deadline, but turns out I didn’t.  I was even more fucked than I have ever been.  More fucked that handing in an assignment so late the penalty marks end up failing it.  I mean, this would have meant I’d automatically fail the entire course.  So I’m glad.

Except now, I was kind of really chirpy when I was starting this post.  But now I realise, I can’t be.  This is only the beginning.  I’ve still got to do my entire anth essay before Monday morning.  I’ve got two things on this weekend so I’ve got to work hard.

Another thing.  I was planning to go to both my tutes today (since I had a presentation in one and missed my limit for the other) and then going home straight after to finish the essay and hand it in before 10pm.  But I got a text from my friend asking me if I was going to my lecture.  How convenient.  I hadn’t decided yet, but that made my decision all the more easy.  No I wasn’t.  So I hung out with her, and my other friend came from the lecture we were supposed to be in.  She also does sociology, and she was the one who said, I have to email him!  So if I hadn’t decided to be a bad student and not go home and do the essay, I wouldn’t of had an important discussion with my friend that would have allowed me to not fail the unit! I mean realistically, I highly doubt I would’ve been able to finish a really crappy essay anyway.  So what’s the moral of this story?  What is the lesson?  It seems that being bad has rewarded me…  (Oooo philosophical).

Anyway, I should do my anth essay now.  I’m actually at my local library right now!  Haven’t been here since the HSC.  It’s kind of weird.  So many HSC students, I feel out of place.  Wish I had my anth reader with me…  I’ll figure something out.  Or I’ll do my SONA stuff.  I signed up for some study about medicine, it’s online, it’s 2 hours long and fucking the most boring shit ever…  So I guess I’ll do more of that.

Out sistas,
Just Another Woo Girl

The churning stomach…

What an emotional day.  It was the end of an era, the end of everything, The Office finale…  Oh how I cried.  But another post on that later.  I just checked my psychology essay results, and my internet has been running slow for the past few days, possibly because of all the windows and tabs I have open for online shopping.  Anyway, blackboard is always super slow on the turn it in thing, and whilst waiting for it to load, my stomach was actually churning.  I’m not sure that it’s ever churned before…  Unless churning is also what you call what your stomach does when you’re really hungry.

In my tutorial on Wednesday my tutor was pretty…I’m pretty sure she hinted that we didn’t do very well, and that means, people failed.  I was sure I’d fail.  But then there’s also that tiny tiny part of me that hopes that maybe I am so naturally talented in some area and don’t even know it that I pass…  Well that feeling wasn’t that prominent this time.  And to kill the suspense, I failed.  Horribly.  Well I didn’t fail horribly, but I did fail.  My raw mark was a high pass, it makes me wish that I’d handed it in a week earlier and I would’ve at least passed the essay…but now I’ve failed.  I guess I can take this into account as, I’m not a complete failure, well my work isn’t.  But meh.

I think overall I was pretty prepared to see a whole lot of comments.  And I did.  To be honest I read the first three and couldn’t be bothered anymore.  It’s not even that they were making me feel sad, or bad about myself.  I just assume all the comments will be about similar mistakes, like I’ve stated facts that are actually wrong…  Not that I’m expecting any positive comments, but I doubt I’ll have any of those anyway.  An email went out a few days before saying that the tutors will mark hard?  Actually I don’t think it said hard, but they wouldn’t hold back from pointing out flaws, in order to improve.  And also that the essay isn’t a mark of your potential, or you as a person.  The fact that the coordinator or whoever stated that specifically was comforting to me and made me feel better.  But all in all, I think after writing all this, I feel sad.  I still haven’t started any of my two essays, and in an attempt to start later, I decided to check my results after remembering that they were released at noon.

I don’t even know.  It makes me so sad that I have to do assignments.  Well essays.  I don’t even know…  I went to the bathroom and thought…  Arts is all academic, all about academic essays.  I was thinking of picking up film studies, but then I also realised that that too was about analysis and academic writing.  All the subjects are.  Then I thought about journalism, at UTS or at Usyd, and realised even though it’s not particularly academic, the writing is still supposed to be sophisticated…I don’t really know.  Then I thought about fashion, writing is important, but it’s not the major factor.  Should I be doing that?  I don’t know.  I imagined myself transferring to UTS…not sure how I feel about that.  The only thing I really love about Usyd is the campus, how it’s massive (even though walking is a con) it reminds me of going to uni in America or something.  UTS is literally one ugly and tall building, with ‘campuses’ separated by commercial blocks…  I love Usyd.  Some people say to me, they don’t actually love Usyd, but then others say they love it.  I was sitting in a lecture thinking, I wish all I had to do was listen and take notes, not have to write essays, not have to do exams.  My exams are in less than three weeks and I haven’t even handed in my last two assessments.  Life.

Not to mention tomorrow I have my second day of work.  I didn’t actually tell you how my first day was.  It was last Sunday and I worked five hours…  I work at my old tutoring place.  I don’t really know what I expected, I kind of thought I’d be teaching primary school students.  But tomorrow I have to assist a year twelve class, I don’t even know what to do.  To be honest, I mean I’ve always known and thought this, but I’m not that good at english…  Not good enough to teach other students.  And these students are only a year younger than me, in the position I was in not only a few months ago, and now I’m (sort of) entrusted with their future.  I’m supposed to mark essays and stuff.  I remember having tutors help me with mine, they gave me examples, what to put in my essay, things I need to expand on and points.  My tutor even gave me and my friend essays to mark one time, I literally had no suggestions and have no idea.  It’s because I’m not at all confident or opinionated about these things, I have no idea what the author is trying to say, or what they are saying.  So how can I possibly help others…  Not to mention again that the class splits into two, one on Hamlet and one on Yeats.  I don’t even know what the fuck Yeats is.  I think I have to research or read up on it before tomorrow.  And read up on techniques that I’ve forgotten…  One of the girls who I’m assisting said that I have to get used to teaching stuff I don’t know at this tutoring place.  This makes me sad.  I suck seriously.  I’m considering resigning because I literally don’t think I have what it takes to teach or even assist or even mark HSC essays…  I don’t know how I’m going to survive the two hours tomorrow, bullshitting my way through, pretending to be smart.

I was watching BeautyCrush on youtube again today, of her behind the scenes of fashion shoots (link here).  It made me realise that I’ve got to learn to get used to this feeling because all my life it will be like this.  Sammi was helping with styling at the shoot with people I assume she’s never met.  Caught a plane alone to Ibiza to meet with people she’s never met.  Had to have lunch and make small talk with them.  Feeling like a newbie, which is what I feel like at work, and sometimes at uni.  I say sometimes at uni because I don’t feel like that all the time, but I am still a fresher and literally think it in my mind.  Yeah I don’t really know where I was going with this or if I’ve already made my point but whatever…

Oh watching the video also made me want to be a model (lol).  It just looks so fun!  Not that I’d ever be one.  It reminds me of being an actor or something because you have to audition all the time and you’ll get rejected and things like that…

Sigh, I’ve also run out the Tim Tams my mum bought…  So no more delicious Tim Tams with tea…  I don’t know if I told you but I finally found Yorkshire tea!  It was in Coles I think.  I was getting more tea after I’d run out of English Breakfast and saw it just sitting there!  Finally when I wasn’t looking for it, it appears!!  And then I wikipedia-ed it in store to see if it was the actual one, and it was!  So yorkshire tea is the brand, and it makes black tea, so there is no other Yorkshire tea.  That’s just what I’ve gathered…  Here’s the attractive picture I took.

Image

I actually think this picture is attractive, not sarcasm.  Well actually this is far too big, I can really see it all in it’s not so glorious form.  I think shopping would make me feel a lot better…  But there’s no time for that.  I really can’t fucking be bothered.  I can’t go now since all the stores will close/have closed.  I can’t go tomorrow since there’s not enough time before work.  I have to start my assignment tonight and also read up on Hamlet, Yeats and techniques.  That’s for tonight and tomorrow morning.  Then I have to work until two, and then probably walk around my local stores and see nothing worthy compared to the top shop pants I want.  Maybe I should just trek it out there tomorrow on a fucking Sunday to buy them if the weather is good…  Shops close early on Sunday as well…  I don’t know.  It’s really pissing me off that I can’t make the picture smaller.  It’s either me or wordpress, but either way it’s pissing me off.  Minus one to wordpress, fuck.  I woke up at like twelve today and realised it was sunny outside, opposed to the rainy weather report.  Annoyed…!!!!  I should’ve gone to the library but I thought it’d be raining and I don’t like going outside when the weather is that miserable.  Lugging around an umbrella is the worst.  I really need to buy a new umbrella, some sort of compact one, but not enough money to spare for that.  My mum is so annoying, I don’t ask her for money for things I want, like clothes and stuff, nor do I go shopping with her because every time I regret it.  Anyway, so one time she was like, just tell me what you want and I’ll give you money, and you concentrate on studying.  I think this was in reference to me not having a job before and not having any money because literally no one would hire unexperienced me.  I really wanted to work in Sportsgirl or General Pants or even Glue.  I think one person kept saying to me, General Pants is so exclusive, and I was thinking, I fucking know, but there’s no harm in still applying…!!  Yeah well my mum hasn’t really done anything to support what she’s said.  Plus she only says things like that when other people are around.  Meh.

Cya bitchez,
Just Another Woo Girl

Pointless

So hello, I am so not in the mood for life.  I collected my philosophy essay today after my tutorial.  My tutor told our class that no one failed, so yay, I was happy to hear that.  Other than that, I got my essay back, and to be honest, I saw the mark and thought, meh.  I didn’t want to read the comments because I was with a friend, and was hungry and rather not be bummed out from the comments.  I mean, I scraped a pass with my ten mark loss, so the comments wouldn’t be praising.  I was already in the pass zone without the penalty, so you can probably guess how low I scored…

I love my tutor though, he’s so cool.  Such an awesome tutor.  If I compare him to my other two tutors, he is better infinitely…  I’m seriously rethinking taking philosophy next semester, I’m obviously shit.  In fact, I scored ‘poor’ on referencing and bibliography.  That’s not all that crucial to the content, but he also commented that I said that other academics said something that they actually didn’t…  Fml.  That’s pretty important.  And basically I suck at everything.  Although, he ended the comments with, good work!  I’m not sure how to take that.  I wonder what he says on HD essays, “Incredibly amazing young Einstein!”  Fml.  If he’s saying good work to make me feel better, then, I don’t know.  If he says it but actually means it in a mediocre way that is representative of my work, meaning he thinks my shit is actually good, then that’s sad for me.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.

Also the comments he left where quite vague, and I guess I’m not good at all with criticism even though I know my essay sucks.  I don’t even have the will or want to do my two late essays now.  This is the worst time of my life.  It was tough enough for me to do the philosophy and psychology essays, let alone anthropology and sociology essays that were due on the same day.  In fact, it will be a ten mark penalty by tomorrow.  If these were the first essays to do, I’d probably have a more optimistic outlook and pull an all nighter.

The thing is, I just can’t be fucked, but then I don’t want to fail.  If I attempt the essay I could scrape by with a pass.  But now, I don’t even know if I will since it’ll be so late.  I don’t want to live if living is like this.  What can I do?  I don’t mean this as, what can I do – do my essay.  I mean, what can I do – this course is not for me.  Or maybe these subjects are not for me.

Will I go out this week?  I kind of just feel like chilling, and if it’s at night, chilling at a bar with live music and going home at like eleven or twelve…  Nothing really calls to me.  The last time I went clubbing was to Pontoon (an asian club) and basically, meh, that encapsulates the whole night.  I’m not sure whether it’s the club (highly likely and influential since, blurgh) or just that it’s not as fun as it was when I went out the first time.  Also, every time I go out, I would only go if I know how I’m getting home.  And now, even when people who live near me go out, they go home a different way with other people so it’s kind of a hopeless and stupid situation.

Actually it’s weird.  I feel like everyone wants to go out clubbing but all I want to do is go shopping and chill.  It’s like a complete turn around from last holidays…  Life.  But I don’t have any money.  I had a lot of money last holidays.  Meh.  I wonder why I feel so down, is it because I’m going to get my period soon?  Is it because I’m failing uni?  Is it because I have no money which is stopping me from fulfilling my material wishes?  To be honest, if I had a lot, I mean even more than what I had last holidays, I would be able to go out and just get a cab home, but I can’t.

So what I learnt today in psych is to live in the present.  It’s kind of a generic motto.  But the real question is how do you live in the present?  What I’m doing now, writing in my blog, doesn’t seem that fulfilling or amazing, it’s not propelling myself into some sort of awesome future.

Actually I read this really creepy and distressing story on reddit, I’ll link it here.  It could also be a reason why my mood is not lifted… (Click to read the scary story).  It really is an intense story, gets you right in the thick of it all…

And fuck, I forgot to do my weekly psychology quiz.  Fuck my life.  I’d set an alarm for Sunday afternoons, and I always do it, but I saw the alarm, and forgot about it…

Arts…  What a waste.  Unless you are amazing at one field, it’s so pointless.  My life is pointless…  My studies are pointless…  I don’t think I have clinical depression but I read somewhere people who sleep a lot could be depressed…

And as I sit here typing feeling sorry for myself, I could start on my sociology essay.  I’m really going to fail.  I really, truly, am.  I will.  I can’t even hold an optimistic view…  My hair gets so greasy to quickly now.  I’m pretty sure I washed it yesterday and now it feels a bit oily.  Maybe it’s because I sprayed it with hairspray…  Putting on some Jedward to make me feel better.

Oh I love listening to Lana Del Rey when I’m walking or going places, it makes me feel like I’m in a movie or something, soundtrack to my life!  Fun.

Life,
Just Another Woo Girl

Pity party raise the roof

So not to sound completely self-pitying and probably not at all self-loathing, but I seriously suck turd.  Wow, saying the word turd in my head made me feel a lot better.  And saying word and turd together makes me feel even more better because they rhyme!  Maybe I should take a break and watch some Spongebob.  I’ve never been a religious Spongebob fan, I mean, I probably only watched it sometimes when it was on Saturday Disney.  It’s weird how Saturday Disney was the Australian branch of Disney.  I seriously love Disney and still would have loved to be a Disney kid. In fact yesterday, instead of doing my essay (…), I was watching clips of the Mickey Mouse Club.  Seriously though, Justin was the biggest cutie ever showing us around his hometown Memphis!  And Britney, holy moly was she so cute and adorable!  So pretty too!!  After she showed us how to eat crawfish I had a dream about eating them, looks so yum!  And one of the older, unsuccessful Mouseketeers was saying how Britney was hot at eleven years old.  She actually was…  They were all so talented!

Anyway, so I failed.  Well I predict I will fail.  I missed the second deadline, so now I’m on negative twenty marks.  This is detrimental.  It weighs on my soul.  After the HSC had finished, I literally felt to light and free, not a care in the world.  So much more happy, like I had been when I was like twelve, so less cynical.  I even wrote a blog post about it!  I mean, I thought I might have changed for the sadder, but I had regained power!  Anyway, now I feel like shit again.  Everything is so out of hand!  One thing led to another, and now everything I’ve had to hand in so far has been late.  When I think about it, my first referencing tutorial participation assignment was late as well!  I had to run to class, arrived half an hour late because fuck you Fisher Library staff.

So yes, I think I’m looking at getting around maybe thirty to forty percent for this psychology essay, including deducted marks.  And that’s if I’m lucky.  I mean, if I’m really unrealistic and ignorant, I would just say, I’ll get full marks, and end up with a distinction.  But get real, me, you will never get full marks.  That’s not even a harsh statement (lol), I’m pretty sure full marks is a rarity.  I mean on actually important assessments.  Or maybe it is actually just me.  Anyway, my average has been seventy, so…  I’m looking at getting a pass, or fail.  Sigh pie.

I actually really want to buy some study drugs.  Not sure what they’re called yet, but that can easily be googled.  But then again, I have no income, so, yeah.  I can’t even buy drugs.  I’ve wondered recently whether my dad might condone my use of drugs if it were to help my studies.  But realistically, he wouldn’t.  He would say, you have to work hard.  And I must!  I wonder what extents it would take me to actually learn…  Meh.  Life is life.  Wait, don’t be complacent!  Well, I’m actually just thirsty.

I actually feel drunk.  I slept for five hours last night and still didn’t finish the essay, and it’s only a thousand words!!  Why, why?!?!  Yeah, I saw an ad on television that said if you’re awake for more than seventeen hours a day, basically, you’re drunk (lol).  So I’ve been trying to function and write an essay drunk.  I wonder how many mistakes there are in this blog post…  Should I not proof read it so you can count?  Nah, that just disrupts the flow.  Or maybe I will, as in I won’t proof read, I’ll decide late and let you know in the p.s.  Now I’m thinking I mightn’t even remember to put that in.  Oh fucking well.

I missed uni today, well skipped.  So I think-oh my fucking god, I’ve actually skipped all my tutes this week and didn’t even fucking finish the essay!!  THIS LIFE IS HOPELESS!!!  But I will say, I did miss the first one by accident…  Well, I’ll try to make it up tomorrow by going to all my lectures!  I want to go to this interfaculty pub crawl, I mean it sounds fun, but it’s such a hassle thinking of how I’m going to get home, so I don’t think I’ll go…  I’m so tired/drunk I’m just going to do what I don’t want to (insert sad face).  That was it.  That was what I didn’t want to do.

Oh life oh life oh life.  Am I Squidworth?  Is that even how you spell his name?  I can’t be bothered to even google it.  Google…  I just want to lie on top of a cloud and be done with the world.  I mean, I’d say uni, but then it kind of leaves my life pointless.  I mean, dragging my lardy body around all day, eating, not even delicious eating, just junk or healthy shit around the house.  Mehhhhhhhhhh.

I watched The Wanted’s new music video, it made me like the song more, especially the end where they’re singing the chorus with the…oh my god I don’t even remember what the thing that’s different from the chorus and verse is called!  I’m getting dumber every moment I’m alive!!  Or every moment I’m on the internet!!  Is venting making me less intellectual?!  Wow I seriously don’t remember.  Anyway, the boom boom part.  So I was thinking I’d write a ‘review’ of my fangirling of it, but then, yes, I realised I’m so not in that mood.  All the feels would be underscored if not overpowered by cynical, blurgh-ness.  Eugh.  Eugggghhhhhh.

Also, a note on Selena Gomez’s new music video, amazing cinematography.  The scenes were so incredibly beautiful and she herself was amazing and gorgeous.  What would’ve made the video more interesting and a thousand times better is if there was an actual story line, and maybe seeing the guys face…

I’m outta hurrrr,
Just Another Woo Girl

P.s.  I will proof read.  Also, I’m gonna take a break and try and cheer up with some SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS!  Every time I laugh when I’m watching funny shows by myself I keep thinking of this thing I read which said: lonely people laugh a lot at things that aren’t that funny.  But I think it’s funny…but what if it isn’t that funny and I’m really just a loner?  (Lol).  So foonzay.

P.p.s.  Whilst proof reading I realised, it’s called the bridge!!!  THERE’S STILL HOPE FOR ME YET!!